I agree with all of you. But, it’s all a matter of balance. My W feels that we’re balancing all of this as best we can. I want more one-on-one with her, but of course I can’t decide that unilaterally.
Like Wilma said, our lives are so crazy these days. It's a no wonder people can't connect.
Here’s a typical week in Andy’s family...
Monday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Goes rollerblading with MF. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and chats with kids. W comes home and leaves for kickboxing.
Evening: W returns. Family watches TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Tuesday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Other kids enter. General mahem. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Goes rollerblading with MF. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and chats with kids. W comes home and leaves for kickboxing. Andy drops d#2 off for singing lesson on his way to karate.
Evening: W picks up d#2 and heads home. Andy comes home where family is watchingTV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Wednesday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Then takes S#2 to karate. Stays there to do her kickboxing. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and heads off to karate (dropping d#1 off at yoga class on the way). Say’s “hi” to W at the karate school as she heads home with S#2.
Evening: Andy picks up d#1 and heads home where family is watching TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Thursday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Other kids enter. General mahem. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Then takes S#2 to karate. Waits for him to finish and returns home. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and heads off to karate.
Evening: W goes to kick. Andy say’s “hi” to W at the karate school as they pass in the hallway. Andy gets home and watches TV with the family. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W returns home to this turmoil and is instantly exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Friday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Goes rollerblading with MF. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and chats with kids. W comes home.
Evening: Andy takes S#1 to karate. Andy drives d#2 to school dance (or a movie, or a friend’s house). The reset of the family watches TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Andy picks up S#1, d#2 (who isn’t where she was supposed to be) and heads home. W is already in bed. Exhausted. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Saturday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. W tries (unsuccessfully) to sleep in. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. W starts cleaning (dishes, floors, whatever). W’s friend picks her up to go to motorcycle course. Andy takes S#1 to karate, followed by his own karate course.
Afternoon: Andy, and S#1 return home. Putter around the house.
Evening: W returns. Andy tries to locate d#2 because it’s her turn to babysit. Andy picks up d#2 at friends, and procedes to friends house with W.
Sunday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Hopes that he and W can do their “weekly” breakfast. But there’s no time. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. W starts cleaning (dishes, floors, whatever). W’s friend picks her up to go to motorcycle course.
Afternoon: Andy putters around the house.
Evening: W returns. Family watches TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
So you see, Matilda. With all of the stuff going on, our girls actually do a lot of babysitting. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time (and energy) for us to be a couple. Things have improved by virtue of the fact that W includes me in some of her activities (e.g.: Saturday night with friends), but we can’t really add much time for ourselves without being away from the kids all of the time.
Greenbar… My kids have MEGA-character. S#2’s psychiatrist was giving us advice on how to handle him. D#1 was in tears because she felt that she wasn’t raising him properly. This is not something a 16 year old girl should be taking upon herself!
FS,
The problem with my dreams is that they include my W. We had common dreams, but she’s given up on them. My dream isn’t to tour around the country in a winnibego. It is (or was) to tour around the country with my W.
And, like I said, our girls do take care of our son. I don’t think we can add riding on top of that, and W wouldn’t be willing to give up any of her other “babysitting time” to make room for me. Especially going to friend’s place.
Darmar,
quote:Originally posted by darmar: I am starting to think that it is not so much what we do for W's and such but that they know deep inside that they are important and valued. For some this might mean flowers and candy for others trips and for the very few a knowing smile. What is it for you. And I have to keep telling myself what I think it is for W is much different then what W thinks it is for W.
That’s the crux of the matter. W is perfectly willing to give me what she wants (space and time) but has neither the time or energy to give me what I want. So, all I can do is to try to give her what she wants. Does that make sense?
