Wow - you said a mouthful! And it was all TRUE. I know that you are right and I will do my best to put the breaks on. Sometimes it just hurts so bad to know that H is with another woman. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it.
Tonight I had to go in my room to cry while H was here w/ S4 because I started thinking about how he surely was with Ow all weekend (including his birthday which was Friday). He showed up here with his laundry and took S4 to his apt in the afternoon - even after I had asked him not to because it's a 30 min drive...
I'm going to have to write later - H is on his way back in w/ S4...
Thank you for your post - I'll reply again later.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
I totally understand how you feel about H with the OW...it is painful to think that they could even think about being with another yet alone actually being with them...
The best thing you can do is STOP thinking about those things....it won't make anything better....so put up the sign....change your thoughts....when H is there he is THERE with you and DS....enjoy the moment and it will show through....and maybe...just maybe he will take note!
Hang in there....be a good mom and a good person....things will work out....it takes time...lots and lots of time...and I know this is the hardest part...not knowing the end of the matter....but when it is the end, you will know...and you will be fine
Hey there, was reading your post and could see my H doing and going through the same things your H went/is going through, the resemblance is amazing, I also never in my wildest dreams thought my H would leave me and have an OP. I've also been given the "I dont have money" while he'd put hundreds on his credit cards on outings and fun. It isn't your fault he is mispending money and he shouldnt' short change you nor son (I managed to figure out how much my H had to give me according to child services.) Don't pity him on that acct, dont' let him get away from paying what he should. I don't know how you figured how much he should give you but I know CS has a website & you can figure it out. Let him know how much is it and that you expect that much, period. Tell him you might have to file with CS since you can't let s4 go hungry because of his poor planning, that should give him a wake up call, that when you leave your family there are consecuences. I too wanted my H back but wans't going to let him screw me up financially. I'm surprised he still has his money going to your bank, watch out, my H empty our savings to get his appt.
About dating, I know your are feeling very vulnerable and want affection, reassurance and attention, but remember, that's how affairs started, that's how my H got OW, he was sad, vulnerable, confused and BLAM! she comes in like an answer, finally! someone he can open up to, a second chance to do things "right" since our M was messed up, an outlet to his misery, a distraction for his messed up head... the rest is history.
God counts every tear we shed, sending you hugs and praying that you detach, that you realize you can make it on your own and that you are STRONG, I pray that each morning you wake up with peace in your heart, knowing that God will lead you and is with you every single step of this horrible trial by fire, that you will come out the winner no matter what.
Huge hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My W left 02/04/06 w/D11, some of your descriptions sound so familiar, except reversed. I've had to try my best to get a grip and GAL, and learn to live w/out my family. in the process, met a really kool gal, that enjoys much of the same as I. Since spending time w/ some one who laughs and smiles , (AND listens to me), even after explaining how messd up I am about my W, and cant start a new relationship (fairly), with still having thoughts of reconciling w/my W, Its ended up that we seem to really enjoy eathother....
ALL OF A SUDDEN, My W says she might want to try to fix whats broken, however with as depressed and negative and guarded she is, theres nothing to laugh, smile or joke about.
I still beleive the woman I fell in love with is still in there somewhere, just wish I could find the right path.
IM sorry for all the pain your going through, this stuff really S%&ks!!
Hey Rob, it saddens me to read your post, that's how my H ended up involved with OP, the OP didn't want an R w/him, but he was at such a loss that he clinged to her desperatly to find solace somewhere. You will never find the right path to find that woman you loved in your W again if you keep seeing this "nice" friend you got. Yes, the OP my H saw also made him smile, believed it was "valentines every day", enjoyed her company a lot...
You are falling hook line and sinker into an A, is that what you really want?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
After 6 mos of Sep I emailed an ex-boyfriend who lives in another state. I found out he is also M/Sep and proceeded to fantasize how we would get back together. We exchanged 2-3 more emails and then ZILCH. He stopped writing. About 3 weeks ago I contacted another ex and we have talked on the phone a couple of times. He is in a R w/ mother of S8, yet he was quite flirtatious w/ me.
After these 2 experiences - and some of the advice/suggestions I have received here - I believe that I need to end my M before I start out a new R. That is my dilemma.
How long do I wait this out? My H shows no signs of wanting reconciliation and the pain of betrayal seems to only compound each time I see him (3-4x/wk). I am not a glutton for punishment and I don't want my H thinking that I am "ok" with his behavior. I'm afraid he thinks that - by me not asking for a D - I am some pathetic woman hanging on his every move.
Yes, I have been GAL. I've been having a pretty good Summer w/ friends, a new job, great books, re-discovering ME. I changed my hair, lost weight (through the Sep), and generally feel better about myself. I think I'm a better mom and a better person because I have learned how to let go in a totally new way. I just don't take it all so seriously anymore.
But then my H will do something that reminds me that he is carrying on a completely separate romantic life and I am burned again.
We have our 3rd MC appt w/ new (better) MC next month. The fist 2 sessions seemed to go well, H talking about his feelings and our R for the first time in a way that makes sense. MC is really good and able to get right to the point. H did express a desire to understand how it was that we got to the point that he would find Ow. He still says it was a "coincidence" that Ow was there right when our M had fallen apart (in his mind). Wow, can he really be that naive??
He does admit to still feeling confused, has not mentioned D (lately), and wants to continue MC. I'm afraid I'm the naive one now - thinking that these are all signs that he is not DONE yet. But maybe he's just not ready (or financially equipt) to file for D.
As for our joint finances - call me crazy - but I think I can still "trust" him on not depleting our account - if for no other reason but to maintain a R w/ S4. I'm sure he's aware that if he were to mess up royally with our money he would not have rights to S4. Also, we never have enough money in our account to get very far
The one thing I'm angry about right now is that (I assume) he was w/ Ow all weekend (reason for bringing laundry to my place Sunday morning) - and still pays rent for apt. Why can't he just live w/ her, at least we'd save on his rent!
Ok, better get back to work - on lunch.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
I am busy....but one thing you should know....the ability to support or not paying support can't be used for leverage on visitation....in other words just because he doesn't pay his support doesn't give you the right to restrict his visitation....they are two seperate issues and you can get in big trouble for messing with visitation becuase of money... You can go to the court and get help in recovering money from him...but just remember visitation and support are two seperate issues....
Quote: God counts every tear we shed, sending you hugs and praying that you detach, that you realize you can make it on your own and that you are STRONG, I pray that each morning you wake up with peace in your heart, knowing that God will lead you and is with you every single step of this horrible trial by fire, that you will come out the winner no matter what.
No he isn't, my H was aware he was knee deep in debt, and what did he do? he booked a plane and hotel for a trip to Vegas with OP. Don't assume ANYthing, they are very volatile and unpredictable. While my H had the on and off R with OP he'd reach out to me, I'd get him the drs he needed, would go to yoga classes because his T recommended it, etc etc, all the while he'd go back and forth into fantasy island w/OP, still trying to woe her.
Protect yourself, he is only looking for what's best for him; you have S4, you must think of him and yourself first as well. If anything, check your acct online each day.
I'm sure you've brought up during MC that you aren't ok with his A. At this point he might not be able to make up his mind, though it is a huge plus that he wants to find out why he sought out OW, but for your peace of mind I'd set a limit for yourself, set a goal, I totally understand your frustation in limbo. There was a time when Iwas there that I started to get unglued, in the outside I carried on normally, but then all these odd thought would assault me "I'm getting old" "I'm going to die" all sorts of things I never worried about obsesively before! My psyche was trying to redirect the hurt/uncertainty somewhere, and I"m telling you, I felt awful. It was my T who suggested I put a timeline for myself, so at least I had something to look forward to and so I would have a plan of action.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I also would caution watching the funds.... My H said he would take care of his family....support stopped after 5 months....then a few times he actually deposited money into OUR account but withdrew MORE....and a few times he over drew OUR account...I soon realized that he was off his rocker and canceled his ATM card...I still have the account but don't put money in them....he quit using it because it was too much trouble to go inside... He had his reasons (excuses) but I had to protect myself... now he is back and 120K in debt....good thing I had the good sense to cancel and close any joint credit card accounts....but only after I allowed 16K in debt to end up on me....my hard learned lesson... The man you trust isn't really there....he acts like him sometimes....but that is only to get what he needs...you will know when he is REALLY back...till then be careful!!!
