How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

Hi SS,

Sorry I've been out of touch lately - I started a new job and enrolled my S4 in new preschool so life has been busy! H has been out of town on a couple of business trips and called "sick" one Sunday. So...I've been spending a fair amount of time w/ S4 which has been good (but exhausting).

H and I had our 2nd MC appt w/ new C this week. We're going 1/month. C seems really good, she's able to get right to the heart of matters and already has us talking about our R in a way that seems very non-threatening. What I mean is, she has been able to draw a lot out of H without scaring him off. After out 1st session she gave us a homework assignment: to write up a timeline of our R. What was strange was that I had a really hard time doing it without focusing almost entirely on the negative. Luckily she didn't ask us to read them, but rather just talked in terms of our history together.

Other than that, things are status quo. H seems very involved with his job and seems to want to tell me all about it. I'm not sure if it's just his way of finding something to talk about, or there's a part of him that wants to connect with me. Don't know. I just listen, ask a couple of Q's and nod. I sort of maintain a balance in how interested I come across. I guess my fear is that he'll get too comfortable with our R on this basis - civil, friendly, co-parent's. I don't want to make it too easy on him!

Meanwhile I've talked to yet another ex-boyfriend recently - a guy I dated for a year when I was 20 and continued seeing on and off for another 5 years. We had a very passionate R and there is no question the attraction is still there (even over the phone!) but I am very aware that there were good reasons we didn't stay together. Bottomline is that I contacted him to somehow rediscover a little about the person I was when I was with him. He told me that he always saw me as carefree and brought up a lot of memories that really helped me to remember that "carefree girl" inside. You know?

I've been feeling sort of numb about my H - it's very weird. It's like I can't tap into my strong feeling of love for him anymore. I know I am still extremely hurt and the fact that he continues on with this Ow is like salt in the wound. I suppose it's easier to NOT FEEL. I don't know.

I just take it day by day. I have faith that God will continue to walk me through this and that the answers will eventually come. For now there has been no further talk of Divorce, I'm not pursuing nor am I going dark, I'm friendly yet not too friendly, I'm private and I go on with my life.

I honestly don't know whether I could ever be happy w/ H again, that's a tough one. All I can do is pray that God will reveal the right direction to take.

How are you doing???

Thanks for checking in!