How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

I am so hurt and sickened at the moment.

I finally went through some of my H's files on our (now my) computer. He had left some itunes and I decided to go through them. I'm disgusted.

Some of you may know my H has gone "Goth" and so most of the music I found - IMO - is disgusting and heinous. To top it off, in one of the folders - instead of music - was a picture of him entitled "feeding" w/ him sitting on our (now my!) bed, shirt off, arms behind his head holding his hair back. I'm sick. His eyes look like they mave have contacts in them, but also could have been web-cam & lighting. Don't see any evidence of "feeding" (I'm assuming it refers to some vampire thing) but the thought alone (and title) nauseates me regardless. Then I found a song "For Elizabeth" with her picture popping up in a photo box. I also some sheet music entitled "For Elizabeth, by D. (my H's initial).

My stomach is doing somersaults.

I want a DIVORCE right now, I wish I could just blink my eyes and have it be done. I don't want to wait anymore - I don't know who this person is anymore - not sure I ever did.

I'm absolutely dumbfounded because my H was such a good person when I met him and all through the years. It was only about a year or so ago that all this Goth sh*t started coming up and he changed.

I'm crying, I don't want him to be that way. He's sick.

Please - anyone who reads this - please pray for my H to come back to reality.

I don't want to be with a man who's into that kind of lifestyle. It sickens me. I don't see him ever being the kind of man again (or better, I would hope) that I could spend my life with. I am so sad.

And now I know Ow's name - something I've managed successfully to avoid these last 10 months. Damn it! Damn her! That [censored] bitch. Why did she have to help drag my H down into her Goth world.

I'm sorry, I'm just totally depressed - one more time - and I don't know where to go from here. Does it make any difference that the "feeding" pic was dated July 2005? Is this something you just grow out of - never to look back? That is my deepest prayer for my H - get away from that life and don't look back. But his song for her was also entitled "Forever Entwined". "Entwined" was a word he wanted to tattoo on his chest.

Ugh, does this ever end? I think I need to end this now. I don't want to know anything else about him, his lifestyle, or future Goth life.

I don't know if I want to continue counseling with him, although it's the only key to understanding all of this. But - afterall - is it really important to know?

I just want peace and joy and lightness in my life again. I'm tired of the heaviness he brings to my life. I feel I can't truly be ME whenever he's around, I walk on eggshells and censor my words. It's exhausting.

But there's my S4. He is so precious to me, like life itself, I can't put him in the middle. I think I've been doing a great job of supporting his R w/ his daddy, but now I think divorce has to be the solution. There's just no way we will ever reconcile and my son deserves clarity as much as I do.

I pray that God will shine a light on the darkness my H has wrapped himself in and that he will find joy and purpose in life again. He was (is?) such a good person - always considerate, loving, affectionate, thoughtful, he cared about me, he cared about our family, he wanted to share his life with me "forever". Now he's gone.

To anyone who reads this - please send your positive thoughts out into the universe - we need it.

I guess the next step is to - finally - seek a lawyer. It makes me so sad but I'm losing my faith in miracles here.