How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

Hey JokerMan,

Thanks for your feedback.

You're right, having an affair is No way to find one's true self. In fact, in my H's case, I see it as "more of the same" in terms of him living through other people.

H met Ow at a nightclub while listening to Goth music. Apparently he's always had this interest but he never felt comfortable sharing it with me. I knew he liked certain Goth movies (the Crow) and poetry, but w/ Ow he can immerse himself in the culture as much as he wants. I am certain he never would have done it alone. This is part of the identity crisis that I've referred to.

In our MC appt he admitted never fathoming having an affair..."it was the last thing I expected would ever happen"...blah, blah, blah. But in his case I think he really believed that. But I truly believe that he used the Ow (in the beginning) as a way to show me how unhappy he was...in our marriage...with everything. He was never able to tell me directly and wound up doing the one thing he knew would mean "the end" for me. It was/is very cowardly. But that's his problem I think - he's terrified of confrontation so he just went along with me (building resentment along the way).

What I wish he had trusted was that he could tell me anything, anything - even "I'm not sure I'm in love with you anymore, I'm not attracted to you anymore, etc". Whatever it was, I would have responded with understanding.

But honestly, I don't think the real problem is/was our M. I think the real problem is my H's lack of confidence, inability to express his needs directly, and the maturity to understand that each couple goes through - at some point - these dig-deep-down-to-your-core problems.

He's 10 yrs younger than I and I see that he really never had an adolescence. He wasn't "allowed" in his rigidly structured home to step outside the lines. He couldn't make mistakes or it meant something was wrong with him. The anger I believe he feels for his father is finally surfacing. Unfortunately I made some of the same mistakes his father made - I was critical, nit-picky, "perfectionistic".

I have since apologized to my H for that, and I have worked these last 8 months at changing internally. I think I've made a lot of progress in the whole "detaching with love" thing and it's made me a better person, mother, friend. I hope I get the chance again to be a better wife.

Does what I did excuse my H's affair? H*ll No! Nothing I did ever warranted that level of hurt and betrayal. Sometimes it'll hit me that my H is actually w/ Ow. I wonder what they do together, how he feels w/ her, I wonder if he ever thinks of me or if he's ever reminded of me and our M. Does he ever miss me and our life together? Does he hear a song and think of me?

Well, today he called at 6:30am to bail on coming to take care of S4 all day. I had plans with a friend in the City and was looking forward to the adult day. Instead I took my S. The good news is that I no longer feel that same immediate gut reaction of hate and disgust. He's lied so much over these past 8 months that I tend not to believe anything he says - but I've learned to Act As If. I try to respond to him as if I believe him and it makes it easier for me. I've also accepted that I am - in effect - a single mom. H is more consistent with his visits in general, but it's still about an 80%/20% responsibility factor.

Well, I've gone on long enough...needed to get all this out. Being in the City gives me the creeps because I know that's where he met Ow and that's where she lives. I had this sinking feeling all day that I might run into him w/ her...thank God that didn't happen!!

I will pray for your sitch. I guess you know this, but I feel compelled to say it...when you finally do tell your wife about A - emphasize that you were not in your right mind :-)

Take care...