How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

Grasshopper, Stilltryin, & Superstressed ~

Interesting posts, thanks

I can relate to the whole romantic thing and I definitely agree that that is just the fluff. I'm not saying it isn't important - it is! - but it sure isn't everything.

I don't think my story w/ H could get any more romantic: met in Florence, Italy (H is native Italian) on a warm July night in the Piazza Uffizi listening to a violinist play. A portrait artist in the piazza actually introduced us. We wrote to each other for the following year, sharing life stories, poetry and falling in love. H came to US and we spent 1 month together finding out whether our love was real, 6 weeks later I flew to Italy and met his family. H came back to US at that point and we were married 6 months later in a civil ceremony, then had ceremonies in the US and Italy the next year. In Italy we were married in the same church that H was an altar boy.

We are both fairly romantic, sentimental, people so little things always meant a lot. We made our own Valentines' each year and co-wrote some poetry. We enjoyed sharing the "mundane" things of life too ~ laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. We did a lot of these things together.

In Sept 2002 our son was born. We were both thrilled and instantly "in love" with him. H took a very active role, giving S3.5 his night feeding w/ a bottle and falling asleep w/ him on the couch. H once said "raising a family is the greatest acheivement one can make". I believed him (fool!).

That first year was the beginning of the end - or so it turned out. H was holding it all together and behaving as if everything was "fine". As always, we communicated our feelings/thoughts often in hours-long discussions until we came to some resolution. But...now I realize that we were just touching the surface because ~ as it seems ~ H's problems run much deeper.

What H failed to talk about (and I'm not sure he was/is even aware) is his troubled R w/ his father. H always idealized his parent's to me and to other's and - in part - is right, but parent's are human and H's father was particularly strict and sometimes abusive to H as a child.

So, the romanticism went out the window once S3.5 was born and we never got it back. In fact, we moved to Italy when S was 1yr old which I believe only stirred up his unfinished business w/ father. H is 10 yrs younger than me and never really had his "adolescent crisis"...until now!!!

Now H is the equivalent emotional age of a teenager. Thank God he has enough ego left to know that he needs to work and behave somewhat responsibly. He is most recognizable as the man I fell in love w/ when he is w/ S3.5.

By the way, I (unfortunately) snooped around one day into a website H had linked only to find picture of Ow and separate pic of H w/ a little synopsis written by H about how they met. It was very difficult to read ~ I wish I hadn't. In it he stated that Ow was the most beautiful woman in the world, her hair, etc...Yuck!! I still don't know her name and I'm very glad about that.

Tomorrow marks 8 mos since our separation. H is on business trip 'til Thursday when we were supposed to have 1st MC appt w/ new C. H was still willing to go, but I want to reschedule because of his jet-lag. I'm also thinking that he might use that appt to drop the D-bomb, so if I can postpone that a little longer...

So, romance is great, but it can't possibly sustain a R. In our case, IMO, what was lacking was the maturity to honor the commitment we made (H made) and to try everything possible to save our M before giving up/giving in to A.

I'm wondering now if I've turned over every stone myself. I see the new C as one more "stone" as well as continued patience - the product of time. How much time, I don't know. I'm hoping that if something obvious doesn't happen that I'll just know when the time is right.

In the meantime, I am rediscovering that more romantic side of myself and becoming the woman that I want to be. I don't know if it's too late w/ H, but there is at least one thing I've learned from this excrutiating experience...PUT THE R FIRST, PUT THE M FIRST, MAKE COUPLE TIME, THE CHILD WILL BE BETTER FOR IT AND SO WILL THE COUPLE. It's a costly lesson.

I pray that God will give H and I second chance, but I know that H needs to be willing for God to make that happen. All I can do is pray, take care of my side of the street, and accept the outcome.

For now I just need to focus on what I can do something about rather than what I don't have any control over. I have no control over what my H does, but I can do the footwork necessary for me to GAL.

I can truly feel the progress in myself in this 7th month and I am so glad NOT to be back there at 1st month!!