How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Hi, it sounds like you've been in a really tough sitch. Fortunately for me, my H's OW lives in another state, so he's only gotten to see her 3 times, but unfortunately, it's with someone he already dated before me, and thought that she was the one for him, but for some reason they didn't stay together.

Well, I have been reading a lot of books lately, mostly Michele's but I've recently read another called "Love must be tough", by Dr. James Dobson. I believe it was written before Divorce Busting and Remedy, and he uses some of the same concepts. However, he does believe in not letting the person "walk-over" you. I believe that it was a helpful book to read. He is a christian, so he does look at the M from a biblical standpoint, but I'm christian too, so I felt it very reassuring and comforting.

I believe your focus needs to be on making yourself happy. You need to show him by your actions that you are happy with yourself and feel good about yourself. I really know that becoming confident and happy about myself is the reason my H is coming around. He's actually been all over me sexually several times! Of course I don't think you should allow your husband to have sex with you, because he is constantly with OW, and I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing by sleeping with my H even though OW is in another state and he's only able to text/talk on phone with her.

Have you ever had a conversation with H about his sin, and that you do not approve of what he is doing because it is against God and the law, but you made a vow to him and to God and you do not take that lightly and that God has shown you how miserable your marriage has become (I say miserable, because that's what my H called our marriage, and we need to validate them about how they felt about the marriage) and that you plan on being the best wife, mother, woman that you can be and you are excited about the changes God is making in your life. And you know exactly what you plan to do with your life, with or without H. You are the one that makes you happy, not him.

I ask that, because I said pretty much the same thing (wrote a letter). Basically because he was still in the same house with us and I wanted him to know exactly what I felt about what he was doing and that I was still going to be the best wife I could be because that is what God had called me to do. I didn't want him to think I was OKAY with his A.

I don't know if this is what you should do or not. But it seems you need to do something different if you really feel like nothing is changing. I do believe that he hasn't laid the D bomb because he truely doesn't know if that's what he really wants, otherwise he would have done it. And the fact that he is initiating the C is unbelieveable to me. My H said to me "I don't need a C".

I want you to think back on these last months and really think if you've been making GAL changes that have shown him how much more confident you are about yourself and how much happier you are. If you've been bouncing up and down emotionally in front of him, then I believe you haven't given him a chance to see the real change in you and that's why you haven't notice a change in him. You also have to think of this perspectively: both persons had something to do with the R problem. I realize in my own, I had become so obsessed with being the wife and mother and I didn't focus on my own happiness. I basically put myself in the trash, so eventually I became bitter and angry and every little thing bothered me. Of course it wasn't my fault that he had an A, it is never the victims fault, but we are both responsible for the R of our M. With that said, what are the things about yourself that you realize now you shouldn't have been doing? Being bitter, angry, controlling, nagging, withdrawn, depressed etc? Even though the H might have started it (which I believe mine did), but we are only in control of ourselves, not them. So we need to look back on our lives and see what we had been doing that was not healthy and change that. If we don't, we will just become slave to our old behaviors whether we meet someone else or stay with our H.

Unfortunately, we never know what will happen in the end, and no one can guarantee that the H will come back, but at least we did everything we could and we can hold our head up high.

Oh, and someone told me not to text or call unless really important cause it's like your keeping tabs on them, or like your needing validated by H. How often are you the one making the calls or contact to H?

Good luck to you,

I don't know if you read the bible or not, but these verses helped me when I was depressed.

Psalm 25 and 31 and 91:14-16 and 118:1-9
Isaiah 54: 4-8

Sorry this was so long! You think YOU babble!

p.s. a little hint. If you force yourself to be happy, you will eventually become naturally happier, but if you force yourself to dwell on negativity, you will become a negative and sad person. Believe me, I have experienced this for myself on both spectrums.