July 6th will mark the 8th anniversary of the day H and I met. We always celebrated that day because we actually had 3 wedding ceremonies (1 civil, 1 in US, 1 in Italy). July 6th is also my favorite gandmother's birthday, so I always believed she had a hand in H and I meeting that Summer evening in Florence. I really thought that God had brought us together that evening "for a reason" and that we were "meant to be". Is it possible that we were only meant to be for a little while - long enough to bring our beautiful son into the world?
It's hard to accept that we aren't meant to be - forever - like we vowed to each other.
The other night I found an old email from H, Christmas 2001, all about his love for me, how he'd always be true, yada-yada-yada.
Was it all a lie???
Yesterday H arrived to watch S3.5 and for the 1st time in the past 7+ mos of separation he looked good. His hair was clean and he was tan. I immediately felt depressed because I thought it meant he had spent a romantic day out with Ow and now was happy. Of course, I've been praying for his happiness since he has seemed so depressed, but now I am terrifed that he is finally moving on - past the guilt and shame. I want him to, but then again I don't.
I went to the beach yesterday - to the place that we often went throughout our M. I cried and wrote and prayed. I feel like we are getting closer and closer to the end.
I start a new job this week - one more thing that I think H has been waiting for....wanting me to make more money so he could be less obligated to me.
God, I am so sad.
The holidays are always the worst for me - a time when we would almost surely have done some "family" thing.
Should I just end it before he does ~ at least that way I wouldn't think myself a complete fool.
Where do I go from here?
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
