How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

Dear Peaceful,

Wow, I like your name

I'm sorry we're meeting here, but I'm glad we're not alone!

Yes, I definitely think things would be different if Ow wasn't in the picture - but my H kept his unhappiness bottled up and I had no way of knowing that our M was hanging from such a thin thread. So, unless he had told me that before meeting Ow we had no chance anyway.

I try to look at the Ow as a "symptom" of his larger problem which, IMO, is a deep identity crisis and delayed adolescence. I am 38, he is 28, and we've been together for 8 yrs (M 6 yrs). So, I think his inability to express himself - in fact, to really know himself - came to a head and he didn't (doesn't) have the maturity to see past his own angst.

It doesn't help that he is attracted to the Goth culture - and seems to have gotten into it quite a bit. I'm not sure how much, but of course he tries to downplay it.

Anyway, the bottom line is that he is NOT the person I married right now. He's caught up in and lost in another world. The Ow is someone that he can relate to in that world because she is obviously "sick" too. I believe that we attract that which we are - so, sadly, my H has attracted another lost person to cling to, it will not last forever.

I don't know how long I can wait, I take it day by day. I'm not attracted to my H now. In fact, there are times when I am repulsed when I think of all that he has done...the betrayal, lies, etc. I try not to dwell on that. When I miss him I am missing the man that I fell in love with, I am grieving that man.

No matter what, if by some miracle my H were to come to his senses and decide he wants to save our M too, then the real work begins! I imagine it would have to be like we were meeting for the first time, two complete strangers getting to know each other, developing a friendship, maybe falling in love again...but there's no going back.

I do believe in miracles and I pray quite a bit. I pray for my H a lot (I use a book called "The Power of the Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian - it's religiously based, I'm not, but the message is what I like).

When I read your post - especially about what your mutual friend said - the thing that came to my mind is that EVERYTHING CHANGES WITH TIME.

7.5 mos ago when my H and I first S'ed I thought I was in hell. I couldn't believe the level of pain I was feeling, the uncontrollable tears, depression, etc. I thought I would die from the pain. The betrayal was unimaginable to me, the boldfaced lies, I couldn't accept it was really happening. As time went on and I started DBing I noticed a softening in tone and I found myself able to take it in smaller pieces. I had to stop thinking about the future so much and stay in the NOW. I heard "don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does". I took that literally. I know he still lies to me a lot - about really petty things usually - and now I choose to see that as his way of "saving face" with me. Deep down he feels tremendous guilt and shame, he knows he's blown it. He doesn't want to add more to it, but he doesn't know what to do. He's confused and confusing! So, I choose to nod and smile.

Interestingly he was the one who recently suggested we continue with MC. I wanted to stop and I fired our MC. But, since he suggested it I took that as a "point of entry" for us, so I found a new MC and set up an appt for 7/13. She's pro-marriage and sounds like she's on the ball. We'll see.

I have definitely discovered that - when I need it - I am blessed with an abundance of patience. Some days are easier than others. As long as I steer clear of envisioning the future "without him" I can go about my day.

God is in charge, not me. I just have to do the footwork and God will do the rest.

I hope you are really peaceful in your heart...

Hugs.