How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

GH,
Thank you for your feedback, it's much appreciated.
I've been posting in Newcomers since about Jan/Feb when I found the DR in the library. Since I don't really have the time to figure out how to attach my thread :-) I'll give you a little background on my sitch...

Me 38
H 28
M 6yrs
S3.5

Bomb dropped Oct-2005, immediately started MC, A continued, kicked H out Nov-12. H claims to have met Ow Sept 5th 2005 and 1 month later was "in love". H's lies were constant in the beginning and have recently seemed to taper off. He claims I am not the same person he fell in love with, he stopped being attracted to me, felt he could never voice his opinion, etc. Takes almost zero verbal responsibility for our marital problems or his A, but obviously feels immense shame and guilt, seems depressed. He's gone from wearing suits and ties, always fashionable and groomed to long, straggly hair and unkempt. I don't suspect drugs/alcohol, but his interest in the Goth world is very, very clear. H has always been interested in "Goth-like" movies, some music, literature, etc. But Ow has definitely allowed him to jump into the whole "scene". I do agree that he is someone who conforms to other's - he does not have any "voice" of his own. BUT...this came all as a shock to me last Oct because H was really good at putting up a front. He never once gave me the impression that he was so seriously unhappy. In fact, about 6 mos prior to bomb he wrote a love letter to me stating how I was the woman for him, etc. To say that he is confused is an understatement.

7 months later...
We have been attending MC for past 4 mos "for the sake of co-parenting". Recently I suggested that we stop MC after he announced unequivocally that he "cannot be in this R anymore", "we're not compatible" and "I have been waiting for you to find a F/T job before bringing up D". He did back-pedal a bit on the money issue in an email the next day, but I still took the whole convo as a "done deal". I think I feel this way because up until that point he had always seemed so ambivalent and would say things like "I don't know what's going to happen" and if I brought up D he would say "well, that's your decision, that's not mine". Etc..

We had our "last" MC appt recently but he suggested we continue once/month. I fired our MC but agreed to find someone new (long story).

We see each other Tues,Th/Fri evenings at my place w/ S3.5. I make dinner and then often find something to do on my own (in or out) until S's bedtime. We read stories together and then H says goodnight and leaves. He lives 30 min's away. Then he comes Sun, all day. I leave in the morning and typically come home for dinner. Again, aft' dinner I find other things to do. But H seems to want to talk to me when I'm doing the dishes or cooking or whatever.

I find that I can make small talk or talk about our S, but if I start to feel uncomfortable I find a "polite" way to leave the room.

What have I been doing for myself? A lot! :-) I feel like I've rediscovered myself in these last several months. My H was right, I wasn't the same woman he married. But there's nothing I can do to change the past, so I'm just making my changes now. I've become more flexible, far less consumed with motherhood (although S3.5 remains a huge priority of course!!), talk to a IC once/week and deal with REAL issues, lost weight, cut my hair, bought some new clothes, go out a lot with friends, have arranged babysitting, and as of today I've found a new job. I read a lot of really good (spritual) books, use this site, and keep in contact with friends. I have definitely GAL.

I'm not in as much (daily) pain over my separation or hurt/rejection over the Ow. The hard times now are when I want to do something that was a "future goal" of ours. For example, this year I wanted to bring our S3.5 to Disneyland - a family tradition. Now I'm planning on going with a friend and her kids. It's sad. I think the grieving process will take a while.

No, I don't want H and I to be on the same path we have already been on!!! I would like us to be walking together again - as husband and wife, as partners, as best friends, as a family! I miss the man I knew and loved, but who he is today is very different and someone I would not want to be with.

I guess what you wrote confirmed what I have already been doing, leaving when i feel uncomfortable, being cordial, etc.

We are supposed to find a financial mediator to help us separate our finances. We still share 1 account and I think I will feel more at peace if I don't have to think about his side of the money.

Well, I guess I went on but needed to vent.

Thanks again for your help.