OM shows his ugly face again

[53John]

At 7 am this morning XOM called the house and announced to me that my W has been calling his W. My W got on the extension and accused him of being a liar. I got really angry and told him to stay away from my family and hung up on the low-life.

After the call, W told me that XOM’s W called her this week and that XOM came around her workplace to talk to her recently. W was really upset and seemed genuinely sorry about the incident. What really got me was that W lied to me. I asked her last week if she had any contact with OM and she denied it. When confronted, she said that she didn’t want to hurt me and nothing happened anyway.

I began to talk to her about rebuilding trust and how important honesty is in our relationship. I told her that if I couldn’t trust her, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married to her. Well, this must have scared her because she called me twice at work today to tell me that she loved me.

This morning I changed her cell phone number and I’m going to change the phone number in the house. I also told her that if he showed at her workplace again, I will ask her to quit her job.

After all of this work and all of this progress……

[healedbutscarred]

53JOHN, After an A trusting your spouse again is a hard thing and it does take time. To have a "set back" really hurts and you feel like you have gone back to "square one". My H broke off his A with the OW and he promised me that it was completely over and not only would he never see her again (she lives out of town thank goodness) but he'd have no communications with her and if she emailed him,sent him cards or letters or called him he would not respond and he would tell me. He broke off the R in March of 2001 and we began rebuilding our R. We were both happier and things were going so good. We were working on problems and he understood how hurt I was and how hard I was working to learn to trust again. Well,several times I asked him if he'd heard anything from her and he said no. Once I told him I was writing a letter to her to say some things I felt I needed to say to her. I thought he looked funny and then he said to do whatever I felt I had to do. I told him I decided against writing the letter because I felt he might feel the need to get in touch with her and warn her I was writing and he looked funny again and wouldn't look me in the eye (should have realized then that things weren't right). Then the 4th of July I discovered he had sent her an email card (won't go into how I found out). I called him at work crying and very upset. He told me it was just a birthday card but I told him that I couldn't understand why he even sent it. He came home and we had a long talk. I told him that I felt like he had betrayed me all over again and that all the months I had worked so hard to build up trust were all a lie. He swore that things were great with us and that he was through with her. He really couldn't explain to my satisfaction why he broke his promise and then lied to my face about it. All he'd say was that she sent him a birthday card and had emailed him and asked if they could be "friends".(guess his computer didn't have DELETE on it !!) He said he felt bad that he had lied to her,used her and hurt her that he didn't think it would hurt to every now and then respond to an email from her to keep from hurting her more. So I asked him had he not thought about the fact that in order to avoid hurting her more he had hurt me. He said that he didn't think I really meant it when I had asked him to tell me if he heard from her and that he decided to not tell me in order to keep from me geeting upset! I finally told him that if he wanted her in his life that he'd lose me. I couldn't contine to work on our R if she was in the picture in any shape form or fashion. He said that she wasn't in his life (is the man dense or what?). I said even if you aren't seeing her,if you communicate with her at all,she is in your life. After I explained that he had to choose he wrote to her and told her that friendship was impossible and that for him to continue to work on his R with me and for everyone to move on they could not stay in touch at all. She sent him a good bye email and I have no reason to believe that he has heard from her or been in touch with her since. An A is a horrible thing to go through and if you forgive the spouse that cheated and they are truly sorry they will put that person out of their life and if the OP gets in touch the spouse shoud let their partner know immediately. Yes,you might get mad but if the spouse tries to "protect" you by lying it is even worse. I hope your W understands that she has to be COMPLETELY HONEST with you in the future and she should do everything it takes to show you she can be trusted and the OM is not important. Glad to hear you "called" him on coming around! Hope you scared the c**p out of him!! The guy must be a real "slimeball"!! GOOD LUCK and let us know how it goes!

John,
Your post sort of leapt out at me this morning! I'm sure that it stung that W lied to you, but I think you should probably drop the incident and just keep your eyes open. It sounds like most of the trouble is being stirred up by the other side.
W might have been afraid of how you would react if she told you about OM showing up at her place of employment. I would saying being calm and observant should do it. Be you really want MY advice given my indecision lately, huh?

rayanne

[53John]

I explained to my W that she must be completely honest with me in order for this to work. She agreed. Oh yes, her excuse was that it wasn't important and she wasn't sure how I would react. Bullshit.

She was genuinely upset about the call and she really badmouthed him after the call. We immediately changed her cell number and blocked private calls on our caller ID.

W asked me if I was going to make her grovel because of this. I told her not to be rediculous. I'm just hurt because the trust has been violated again.

rayanne, your advice is sound. You're obviously better at fixing other people's stuff. I'm not going to blow this out of proportion. We've come so far!

Btw, this weekend I'm taking W to meet with my parents who haven't spoken to her since this whole thing started. I expect it to be pretty emotional.

Thanks for the replies.

John,
Well, you know how it is. It's always easier to give advice than to take it.

The best of luck with your folks!

rayanne

[53John]

The meeting with my parents went as best as can be expected. I got a bit beat up when my W tried to explain to my folks the reasons why she walked away. It was painful to hear those words coming from my W's lips.

Newcomers to DB should take heed. My W said in no uncertain terms that she didn't think my changes were real. She said that she didn't think that a man could change after 18 years. Not until she believed that my changes were not just a show, did she start to come around. This is very important to those of you just starting out. You must live the changes, not talk about them.

It took my W only 7 months to return to our family. It seemed like forever. Be very patient. Don't push the OR stuff. Let her want to come back. Give her plenty of space. Let go!

Things started to get better fo me when W moved in with OM. It was the beginning of the end. Their honeymoon lasted only 2 weeks before W moved back home. 2 weeks after that she said she wanted to give our R a try. That was New Years Eve. Today, I can say that the divorce has been busted!

The entire process will take time. But hang in there, the rewards are worth the wait (and the work).

John

[healedbutscarred]

John, Sounds like things went pretty well with the visit to your parents. Did they warm up to your W any? Hope that seeing that you had forgiven her and you were happy to have her back in your life,they forgave her too. Your advice is good for others. You were smart to "live" the changes and not just "talk" change!! Things take time and a lot of people get impatient and push too hard. You did good and I was so HAPPY to hear that your divorce is BUSTED!!!!!!! Keep up the good work and the best to you and your family!! pfroglady

[53John]

My W said some pretty hurtful and personal things about the collapse of our marriage. Things that I wished that my parents didn't have to hear. I know that my W had to say those things so that my folks would not make her out to be the only bad guy. It still hurt.

We all hugged when it was over. I think that we are all on the road to recovery. The healing process will take time.

Thanks for the good wishes. It feels really good to be here, and I hope that my words can begin to help some of the newcomers on the board. There is hope if you adhere to the DB principles as best you can. Just a few short months ago, my W was telling me such hurtful things like she never loved me. It sounded so final. The wall was so high. It tumbled ever so slowly.

John,
That's weird that W would want to air your dirty laundry. I would be more likely to be charitable if a child's spouse just said that they messed up and were really sorry. I wouldn't think blaming you would have gotten her any Brownie points with your folks. Glad that things seem to be thawing, though!

[53John]

I don't think that she was trying to score points with my parents. I think that she was trying to justify her actions to them. I haven't spoken to my folks since Sunday, so I really don't know how they feel.

She realizes that everyone is looking at her as the bad guy and she is trying to justify her actions. She still hasn't taken full responsibility for what she has done. I don't know if I should even expect it.