53JOHN, After an A trusting your spouse again is a hard thing and it does take time. To have a "set back" really hurts and you feel like you have gone back to "square one". My H broke off his A with the OW and he promised me that it was completely over and not only would he never see her again (she lives out of town thank goodness) but he'd have no communications with her and if she emailed him,sent him cards or letters or called him he would not respond and he would tell me. He broke off the R in March of 2001 and we began rebuilding our R. We were both happier and things were going so good. We were working on problems and he understood how hurt I was and how hard I was working to learn to trust again. Well,several times I asked him if he'd heard anything from her and he said no. Once I told him I was writing a letter to her to say some things I felt I needed to say to her. I thought he looked funny and then he said to do whatever I felt I had to do. I told him I decided against writing the letter because I felt he might feel the need to get in touch with her and warn her I was writing and he looked funny again and wouldn't look me in the eye (should have realized then that things weren't right). Then the 4th of July I discovered he had sent her an email card (won't go into how I found out). I called him at work crying and very upset. He told me it was just a birthday card but I told him that I couldn't understand why he even sent it. He came home and we had a long talk. I told him that I felt like he had betrayed me all over again and that all the months I had worked so hard to build up trust were all a lie. He swore that things were great with us and that he was through with her. He really couldn't explain to my satisfaction why he broke his promise and then lied to my face about it. All he'd say was that she sent him a birthday card and had emailed him and asked if they could be "friends".(guess his computer didn't have DELETE on it [Razz] !!) He said he felt bad that he had lied to her,used her and hurt her that he didn't think it would hurt to every now and then respond to an email from her to keep from hurting her more. So I asked him had he not thought about the fact that in order to avoid hurting her more he had hurt me. He said that he didn't think I really meant it when I had asked him to tell me if he heard from her and that he decided to not tell me in order to keep from me geeting upset! I finally told him that if he wanted her in his life that he'd lose me. I couldn't contine to work on our R if she was in the picture in any shape form or fashion. He said that she wasn't in his life (is the man dense or what?). I said even if you aren't seeing her,if you communicate with her at all,she is in your life. After I explained that he had to choose he wrote to her and told her that friendship was impossible and that for him to continue to work on his R with me and for everyone to move on they could not stay in touch at all. She sent him a good bye email and I have no reason to believe that he has heard from her or been in touch with her since. An A is a horrible thing to go through and if you forgive the spouse that cheated and they are truly sorry they will put that person out of their life and if the OP gets in touch the spouse shoud let their partner know immediately. Yes,you might get mad but if the spouse tries to "protect" you by lying it is even worse. I hope your W understands that she has to be COMPLETELY HONEST with you in the future and she should do everything it takes to show you she can be trusted and the OM is not important. Glad to hear you "called" him on coming around! Hope you scared the c**p out of him!! The guy must be a real "slimeball"!! GOOD LUCK and let us know how it goes!