JAG, I also found letters my H wrote thinking of her, and I also wish I never had, how much affection and attachment to that whore, I trembled as I read them, I occasionally remember sentences (I ripped the letters to stop myself from reading them over again)... I have stop altogether, dont' want to know anymore either.
We'll go through this road supporting each other, this is new territory to cover, I feel like I'm entering a dark fog, not knowing what is really going to happen nor what's at the end. Let's believe that by the END of the year we've reached that goal we seek. We'll take it one day at a time, I will keep you in my prayers, only God has given me sanity this past months.
I like what you wrote one day, I was looking up your sitch: "..that I could never be "heroin" to my W again (we're not going to have that powerful first love chemical reaction in our brains again) but that I could work on making coming home less like "eating nails" and more like apple pie. Comfortable, pleasing, and warm." my H also would've described home that way! (nails) and I keep freeting that he'll never had that head-over-heels love for me that he had at the beginning. This is a new road, a different kind of love, more mature.
You are still new to this thing, it's been barely 3mths since you've been thrown into this torment, so I can see how your W isnt ready, I can remember 3mths after my H left, he barely looked me in the eye and still had a lawyer, he was still in the anger stage.
So hang in there, she needs time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Went to church this past weekend for the first time in a long time. Still feel like a stranger there - like I don't belong. I'm having a real struggle with understanding how God can put such misery in my life while other people get to merry stroll along without such problems. Doesn't seem right or fair.
Funny story though about church. Believe it or not part of the sermon the minister said that God put suffering and misery into people that he loved the most. My W leaned over and said jokingly "You must be his favorite." After Church a lady behind us handed me a note she had written during the service. It said "You are God's Favorite! Believe it!" I couldn't talk to the minister on the way out because I was crying (and so was my W after I showed her the note).
Keep that note in your wallet, JAG, and pull it out whenever you need it.
Quote: I'm having a real struggle with understanding how God can put such misery in my life while other people get to merry stroll along without such problems. Doesn't seem right or fair.
I believe that God puts this kind of situation in our paths because we have something that we need to learn, and this is the only way that we can learn it. As you move forward on this path, look for the lessons that are there for you. It may not seem right or fair to us, but there is a validreason for everything. You may never know the readon, but it is there.
Cat, I've done the same thing in terms of reading letters. I fell off the snooping wagon just recently . Oh well--we just have to pick ourselves up and start again!
Hey Jag, I understand how you feel, it hurts too much to make sense out of it. But I do encourage you to keep going to church even if it feels odd now. Jesus said that there would be tribulations for us in this world, but not to despair, because He had overcome the world. And I totally agree w/the sermon, God doesnt throw chaf into the fire to purify it, we've both learned valuable lessons through this trial by fire.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks you two. And you're right cat, I do need to continue going to church - that's why I did last weekend. And I will continue to attend even if it feels like I'm a stranger in a strange land.
I guess the thing that I'm most upset about is that I guess I'm the type of person who doesn't get the lesson until I get smacked up side the head with a crisis. I've been through this before (not with my W but another crisis earlier in my life) and I'm tired of being pushed to the brink in order to change. Maybe I just need to learn to listen more carefully so I learn the lesson God wants me to learn without having to go through so much.
Well I am 5 months into the reconciling stage with my H....he was gone physically for a 1 1/2 yrs....it is a long road.... still haven't heard "I love you" but he is here and things are getting better....he decided to stop drinking all together because he saw what it was doing to his relationships with his kids, me, and God....so I am supporting him in this and trying to not be too suspicious the nights he spends elsewhere.... Last night as we lay watching a movie I told him I was glad he was here and he said "I'm glad I'm here too."....I didn't say another word....I just savored that moment...
I have to disagree with you on something though....I don't think God causes us misery....remember the god of this system of things is Satan....he is responsible for the mess mankind came into in the Garden of Eden....why would you think anything has changed to this day....he wants us to blame God....true, God allows us to be tried by Satan...Just as he did Job...to prove we can remain faithful to him....if we do it makes us stronger, HE sees to that....if we don't we become as many who blame God for our problems or begin to believe that God doesn't care about us....which is totally not true because why would he send his son as a ransom for us if he didn't care....why allow his son to see such a horrible death for us.....he did this out of love, justice, and wisdom....
Hang in there....it does get better if we keep getting better....I know the more I learn to improve myself the more I see an improvement in our relationship....it has been slow but considering that I felt like he would never ever ever be in my life again this is a HUGE step....I always said I could wait as long as it took as long as I could see something good in it....and I am seeing that...so I will keep waiting to hear those words again and to feel the full impact of them again..."I love you" will be when I know we are okay for good....
Don't give up....the game is still on....you can still win
OMG I'm so glad I found this post. I have a WAH who is now back. He left last Spetmeber, came back in November, things got good again then I messed it up again with all my "you really hurt me, you have to tell me what went wrong, you were so lousy...rant rant rant etc". Life threw me a lesson and I lost it again. So in March it hit me again. H didn't walk away - I had already told him if he left again that was it, he told me he was unhappy again. He says he has "no passion", he is ILYBINILWY and although we share a bed there is no intimacy - he says there is a "cold space" between us. It hurts. A lot. But I am on GAL and I have set goals, given myself a timeframe etc. He doesn't look like he is going for D, that's off the table, but he isn't really ready to rebuild our R right now. So I'm in a holding pattern (there was no OW, by the way). It IS hard to let go of anger - I'm a typical redhead - and it can be hard to forgive but there is NO other option. H has already hinted that if we were to have a R again, there can be "no anger or bitterness" and this current situation isn't something he wants brought up in future arguments. I can't guarantee that will happen right now, I have to work on letting go of my hurt and anger. Something I read in an email is helping me right now, I'd like to share it:
>>The brightest future will always >>be based on a forgotten past; >>you can't go forward in life until >>you let go of your past failures and heartaches. .
I'll keep this thread in my faves, I'm rooting for you all!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
>>The brightest future will always >>be based on a forgotten past; >>you can't go forward in life until >>you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
You know Jen I really appreciated you posting this not only because its true for me, but also for my W. I think we all have to remember that our S are holding on to a vision of the past in which they were hurt or unhappy. We need to give them the time to realize that there's no benefit to them to hold onto this past. We can't make them forget, we can only give them the space and time necessary for them to work through things and forget the past.
And what better way for them to forget the past than to have a good R with their S that doesn't remind them of the past so much. If we truly change our behavior for the better, then eventually it will be easier for them to forget the past - and move forward with us!
My H said he felt no passion, no love....of course my view was different....he didn't tell me he was so unhappy until just before he left and even then didn't really tell me he was unhappy being married to me... Now I don't believe everything he said but I did stop and take a long hard look at myself (after I got absorbed in feeling sorry for me first).....and I saw some things that I had to agree would have made me unhappy....so I began working on those things in me.... In time....a lot of time I was able to get another chance....while there were opportunities to discuss his emotional-turned-physical affair I promised myself one thing.....not to throw that in his face....he had come home and for that I was to be thankful...I also would control my suspicious thoughts and not feel that everytime he was working all night.....or away from me that he was up to no good.....that type of life would have made us both miserable....he has told me that I know where he is and I am free to come by anytime....day or night.....and I have on occasion (with a good reason)and sure enough he was there or showed up shortly back at my place (we crossed paths).....I let little things reassure me.... I haven't heard "I love you" again yet but the other night I told him I was glad he was here and he said "I'm glad I am here too.".....that was music to my ears.. I really feel good that I have been able to keep from blaming him for my hurt feelings....I am glad that I am feeling trust for him again....I am glad that we are getting a second chance.... It has been a long road....a long time....but if I had held onto my pain and anger I know without a doubt my H would not be in my life.....nor would he be around for our children... And as someone mentioned ealier.....we have to remember that they felt pain too....whether it was real or imagined it hurt them too.... So keep working on you....keep forgetting the past....keep showing your spouses who you are truly capable of being... and show them you can put the past behind and work on a new future.... But none of this will happen over night....I have been piecing now for 7 months.....but it is much more rewarding to be piecing then to be crying alone every night....
