sort of new here..WAH came back,I feel so unloved

[amd]

Chuck told me once that snooping is not worth my time and that I need to do things that are life-affirming. He was right. Sometimes it helps me to study why I'm snooping. I already know that H is having an affair. I realized that I do it out of fear. Occasionally I still snoop--and it never makes me feel good. I always get angry or hurt and usually both. Now, like A14, I just assume the worst. That may not be healthy either, but it keeps me going and helps me focus on ME.

Be well.

[imLIN]

Always-14....I am so like you....had my H convinced that he was being followed by a PI because of the information I had on him....I accessed his cell phone account and activated the GPS so even though he was living hours away I could track his every move....and it totally freaked him out.....
Finally one day my DD asked me why I bothered???....I could only see where he was not who he was with or what he was doing....I had to let it go...and get on with MY life...
I felt such a freedom when I got past the initial anxiety of "not knowing".....but in the long run it allowed me to move on with my life....to be open to him still...
When he did return....about 1 1/2 yrs. later....he told me he didn't have anyone after the one I knew about....he wasn't dating.....or having one-night stands as I had imagined....and he told me things he felt I should know about the OW and why he felt attracted to her....and then said...."it is over and I want to forget all about her.... can you let me do that?"...that is when I had to make the decision to let the OW go....he had and he needed that from me so that WE could work together to rebuild what was torn down...

So...all you snoopers....make a commitment to yourself... and to your marriages....quit snooping....unless something totally jumps out at you as being wrong and you feel it in your 'gut'....just let it go....don't look for trouble, anger, anxiety, hurt, pain, depression, guilt, and all those other negative things you will find when snooping....if it is in the past....let it stay there and move on...

I know this is hard....my first step was deactivating the GPS....next was to quit viewing his phone logs online.... after that it got easy....

Start with the big stuff and work your way off...promise yourself you will do this for YOU....you will be happier and eventually more settled....and it will open the way for trust to be regained....on both sides!

Take care.....and I will be reading

[cat03]

So...all you snoopers....make a commitment to yourself... and to your marriages....quit snooping....unless something totally jumps out at you as being wrong and you feel it in your 'gut'....just let it go....don't look for trouble, anger, anxiety, hurt, pain, depression, guilt, and all those other negative things you will find when snooping....if it is in the past....let it stay there and move on

OK, you are all right, as I was-again-this weekend looking everywhere I heard a little voice in my head saying "stop it" I didnt' listen to it , but it is a start.

I promise, to rip whatever piece of paper I find that i think is "evidence", I won't let the past craziness win over me. It isnt' easy since my H is a bit messy and leaves all sorts of things around. While doing "laundry" on the spare room I found shorts that look like they are a womans', I'll ask him about it today and I"m REALLY trying to calm myself so I dont' sound like the jelous woman from hell.

It it true that men hate jelous women?

[imLIN]

Cat...they like jealousy but it has it's place....like when your out and some woman starts flirting with your husband and you step up and say "He's with me!"...that boosts the ego...

But finding a piece of paper and making a mountain out of mole hill....or digging up the past.....that makes them angry...

About the shorts....if you are recently back together....or if you know there WAS an affair...just keep your mouth shut....at the very most just ask "Do you want to keep these?".....

We have to stop being jealous about things that are OVER...and listen to your gut....if your snooping and it is telling you to stop it is because you really have NO REASONABLE REASON except for fear....and a marriage or relationship ruled by fear is doomed....

So starting today....stop being affraid....stop looking for reasons to be jealous....and rejoice in the fact that you still have a relationship to put back together!

[cat03]

grrrr! ImLIN, I never learn! I keep fooling myself thinking I'm doing it for the right reasons, to know how deep his R with OW went...

To the best of his knowledge he did get rid of any computer files and things about her, so I should remember that. I just found he had put cameras (he told me) to check on me, why would he do that? and I know he told OW about it, WTH??? found an old note saying how can can't trust the person the kids are with (me!)

Did snooping help me to make myself a better person? NO
would my H be angry if he found out? YES
did it make me feel better to see a pict of her face? NO
did I want to know how H felt that "everyday I see you (OW) it's like valentines" NO and NO

Saw a movie with H last Sat. night, it was called "the 3 funerals of Melchiades", (warning, spoiler!) this man drags this corpse for days, the body is decayed and beyond gone, yet he drags it, dusts it, tries to care for it. That's what I'm doing, dragging this corpse, its smell about me.

I'm done, truly done, I know he spent $$ and time w/ her a whole lot more than he did on the last year we were together before he left, nothing will change that, OW is a ghost and isn't part of his life now, MUST GET OVER IT, IT"S DONE

had to rant, the poison needs to come out...

[wed2alien]

Cat,

I hope you feel better. Sometimes we have to rant and beat our head against the wall to get it all out. You are right, you have a right to be upset and angry about OW. But it is in the past and needs to stay there.

I know you are ready to move forward, and leave that unhappy chapter of your M behind. Don't waste another minute tormenting yourself. It happened, its over, and move forward.

Remember your H was with YOU at the movies. He must be trying. It is hard to want the affection and romance but I believe others are right when they say it will come with time.

I called a DB counselor 2 yrs ago and one thing I remember her saying (she was a WAW) is that once she got back with her H, it took her a year to have "feelings" for her H again. A year of doing things with him, holding hands, and other stuff I presume. She said it is very gradual but feelings do follow actions.

I have to tell myself that all the time as my H is not affectionate or he tries but I can tell his heart isn't in it. Have to remember not to push or insist on our needs being met yet I guess. Hard as heck!!

So keep focusing on you and H and doing things together. If OW pops in your head, envision a big red stop sign and stop the thought!! You have control over your thoughts!!

It sounds like things are going good.

wed

[cat03]

wow, a year, it does make sense what you say, it's going to be a loooooong year never in my wildest dreams did I dream I had to wait for H to love me. guess that's all I have now.
Thanks wed I needed that today

[JAG_06]

cat03,

Am reading your thread after you posted on mine and just had to tell you that you and I are exactly in the same boat. I could have written this quote myself:

Yes, he does mention how he is here and I almost want to say "so what, your mind is on Mars"

Maybe a different planet, but I feel exactly the same way. It's like my W thinks I should be overjoyed that "she's here" even without any emotional connection.

I'll keep reading...

[JAG_06]

Just finished your thread cat. Looks like you and I have so much in common its scary. I too was an incurable snoop. I still do on occasion, but I'm fighting the urge much better these days.

I even went so far as to install a program on the W's computer that forwarded me all the email she recieved and sent. Let me tell you - I wish to God I had never seen a lot of the things I saw. Its so hard to not compare how my W reacts to me to how she reacted to OM. Those thoughts and feelings are stuck in my head now. I wish I never would have gone there - Too Much Information is a bad thing.

I've added you to my favorites as I beleive that you and I may be traveling this long road together and I hope that we can support each other.

And let me just say, OMG the thought of waiting a year for my W to respond to me in an emotional way scares the hell out of me. How does one keep moving along in a positive way waiting for that to happen?

[Delil@h]

Thanks for checking in on me.. if you have a chance read my threads in NEWCOMERS and how WE are simliar and see if my mistakes will help you see JEALOUSY is poison and will take you absolutely, positively,NOWHERE.
I have read your thread and will admit to you honey Ive been there done that and what you are doing is focusing on the problem not the solution.
Find yourself , be strong stop thinking about her,, I do it once in awhile tooo , but you are above that. She has no right to consume your thoughts whatever he said to her in the past was said due to infatuation not real lasting love. Let it go and be happy.
Make him feel special,, take time for you two and let the past go. ( it will not happen overnite but you can do it))
God Bless... Ill keep in touch.