Let me tell ya, I was a master. I could have worked for the CIA, would have been a great asset to the Feds. It was hard to resist b/c I was at home, and I could never tell where things were headed with H and I, and I saw it as semi-protective as well, to see if I was just getting led on or what.
Now that I'm out, and last week when I found that H was seeing another W again (I think), something inside of me snapped. I just didn't care. Now, I don't want to go in the house for fear of finding something. I assume the worst, accept and move on. I don't want details, only to torture myself, life is too volatile right now for that. Of course, this is what I say now.
The past is the past. It's done. What are the facts: H left the house, he dated another woman while still married to you, he did things he otherwise would not have....you question whether THAT was the real him or the H you knew and still know is.....you wonder if she was more fun, exciting, all that. If you have what he wants now. Yes, you do. It's not HER that was more fun, it was the lifestyle, the freedom, from something he thought was miserable and never getting better, your M. Now it is better, you make it that each day.
It's not simple. It's downright painful and complex. But, take it day by day, and try to limit snooping. Nothing you find will make you leave H, you stuck by him through the worst. Now, move on. He's trying to, you should too, and not hold him to a past he wants to shed.
I won't tell you to STOP snooping, b/c you're human and it happens, mostly out of defense. You were lied to for so long, a large part of your life was a mystery, it's natural to want to know the truth. It's just plain weird what happened.
But, stay grounded, get on with YOUR life that you had while H was away, and keep that incorporated into your M. Also, this is a fragile state, you want to be sure that you work on the M to keep it from being what it was, and to keep the hard work and changes you worked for alive....don't get sidetracked.
