sort of new here..WAH came back,I feel so unloved

[cat03]

I'm part of the best (so far that I've found) group on the net, it is http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/default.asp and it has helped me to no end, I understand that diet could be helpful. I now buy all my pasta from the Barilla brand (for whatever good that might do) which has extra Omega3 which is something the brain badly needs. I'm going to find the person at my church who lives by flax seeds, which is another recommended source fo Omega3.

If you go the nutricion section of that board you'll see plenty of alternatives, I yet have to fully apply those to my H's diet, but there are other choices. My H was taking Adderall but stopped, I thought it was helping, it works differently with everyone. I think a psychologist with ADHD experience would also make a great difference.
Good luck always_14, many ADHDers don't accept they need help and things go from bad to worse, accepting you could make your sitch better is half the battle. IF you haven't yet I highly recommend the books "delivered from distraction" and "driven to distraction" written by a doctor who suffers from ADHD and can't take meds.

[always_14]

I will do all of it. I want to try non-meds as much as possible, but really think that I need help to acheive the level of "life" that I want in life....you know what I mean?

Honestly, I will admit this....from an ADHD person...working on this M consistently, focused, thinking things through, controlling my emotions and being self-aware, has been the ONE thing in my life that I have worked consistently through with the same determination and focus. I can't say I even did that with work, school, friendships.

I hope it amounts to SOMETHING.

[cat03]

I'm sure it will, I KWYM. My H found out that ADHD makes him say too much (TMI) to other people, he also struggles with meaning one thing and saying another, not explaining himself as he wishes leading to misunderstandings, we are currently working on that, I already know I have to be very patient.

He also wants people to get to the gist of it which lead to frustration on my part (him hurrying me when i was trying to tell him something) I've learned now to shorten my "annectotes" or others.
There are a great group of people on that board, and you can tell by the relationships and partners section, that some people struggle greatly by spouses who refuse to acknowledge they need to work on themselves.

No matter what, I'm sure your effords will amount to a more happier you)))))

[imLIN]

Cat hang in there....I am new to this part of the board...my H has been back for a few months now...he still won't say "I love you"....I don't give up....I always hug him, I tell him he smells nice (he does too) I am sure to thank him for the little things he does, and of course the bigger things....
If something is really bothering me that he does I bring it up lightly...as a suggestion then let it drop....most of the time he makes note...but if he doesn't I have to deal with it....
About the alarm....it does sound like he is testing your unconditional love....try ear plugs if you have to...or just use the wake up time for a little extra prayer and meditation on your day....but don't say anything about it....it will give him an excuse to leave the bedroom again...
In bed my H feels no passion....but that doesn't stop me from hugging him and showing some affection....you can tell what they are comfortable with...just go with it...no pressure on them....now my H will rub my back sometimes, or my head....he will even roll over and hug me now.... baby steps....no pressure....no pushing...and definitely no nagging....and sometimes what our H's perceive as nagging is us just asking the same thing or reminding them of the same thing....say it once and let it go....
Right now I am dealing with a tough situation....my H was working from home...then things occurred at the office that required him to be there and get things organized... I have asked him that if he isn't coming home to call and let me know....this way I don't wonder if he is out on the road broke down or hurt or something....he thinks that I worry way too much....I have asked him to call me....he hasn't called the last two nights....I don't try and call him....sometimes I think he might be drinking and is staying there so I won't know....and not calling me because I can always tell by his voice if he has been drinking.....he told us (the kids and I) that he wouldn't drink anymore....so I really hope he is just working and not slipping....but if he is he is at least saving us from it....and he knows he can't be home and be drinking...so really it is something he has to deal with....not me...
Last night he didn't come home again and he had said he wouldn't forget to call....I won't say anything when he does come in....I will let him say it to me...our son stayed up til 1130 waiting to see him so I am sure he will say something...
I did ask once if he was drinking at the office...he said he couldn't afford to be doing that....could he lie?..yes but again that is his problem and he will have to live with that...
Ok...enough of me....hang in there Cat....he is home, that is the good part....just let him be....love him unconditionally....praise him when you can....in time he will come around....I know things have changed here...I am still waiting to hear "I love you"....and I am feeling more sure that I will....but it is hard, this I know....sometimes I think about the OW too....sometimes I want to tell her a few things....but like H told me one time...."do you really think she is going to care about your feelings?"....so why waste my time and energy on negative things....I need to put that to work in my M...

[HappierAndHealthier]

Cat
well, its good and bad to find you. I like to see posts from you b/c I like to know how you are doing, but I wish that you were doing better.
I know nothing about ADHD from my own experiences. I wish you the best. get yourself out to the weekend encounter. It runs through the Catholic Church, and its on a donation basis. If you can afford it, pay, b/c there are so many that need to go and cannot afford it. If you can't afford it, talk to them, they will not turn you away. There are follow up's after the weekend. Your going to find help there that nobody else can give. I say all that like and expert. Never been. Just know that it is good. The only caveat that I have ever heard is that both partners have to go into it with an open heart.
Cat, you are a wonderful caring and giving person. I will continue to pray for you every day.

[grasshopper]

Cat, I've never posted to you, nor do I know your situation very well. I have only read this thread and I have a couple things to say.

First, congrats on getting this far. It's a HUGE thing to be able to do the work necessary to remain patient, let alone all the other hard work that needs to be done.

Second, as I posted mainly as a reminder to myself, on my thread (on the Infidelity board) today, this is all about them WANTING to be back. No matter what else is going on or not going on, it's all about what each of us want and then what we are willing to do to get it. Obviously he wants to be back home to some extent, and was willing to take a huge emotional risk and leap of faith to do so. You obviously wanted this too because you choose to be in hell standing strong rather than enter purgatory on your knees. Heaven awaits but only for those who long to rise above even where their own feet can carry them.

My point is that you fought SO hard (it sounds like) and you are feeling all the natural emotions that you were prevented from feeling, either because you denied them, or didn't know how to feel them. Now all the resentment, the anger, and built up frustration is able to come out because you are not spending all your time and energy fighting this battle anymore. Now you are free to really FEEL what you went through in different ways than before.

I think if you really focus on what you have, and as my C told me yesterday, just allow yourself to believe that things are already ok, you don't have to make them so. Relationships, good ones, bad ones, reconciling one, are ALL processes and as such are constantly evolving. At some point we all have to let go a bit and allow that evolution to proceed without our tampering.

I think you know what you need to be doing. You spent a long time doing it alone, now you just need to keep doing it in the presence of this man you love, and THAT's the really hard part. Trust me, I know.

GH

[cat03]

Thank you all so much I do need to be reminded that I've come a long way, when my H left he barely looked me in the eye and had a lawyer, now he is home with me and we are communicating better.

I have come a ways since I first posted, I've understand that i can't demand nor expect his love this very second, I have my moments but then I remember the posts I read here and I shape up

The OW is pretty much banished from my mind, but I still have prob letting go with the curiosity to know about where and what he did when he was away. He was never one to go out nor do much, and I find here and there old phone numbers, addresses of places, infos of concerts and places he went to when he was away. Yes, I've gone low enough to check for every piece of paper I can get my hands on (check his pockets from the mound of clothes he brought back), look for receipts and read each of them meticulously ARGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

He's found me twice on the room where he keeps his stuff and suspects something, he is slowly opening up and my meddleing doesn't help, I find it near impossible to stop snooping! I know is bad, I will try hard to stop.

Thanks again for your support, only people who've gone through this trials could truly understand))))))))))) I keep all of you in my prayers too.

[Gwyn]

I know the battle of snooping. I find myself doing it as well. But, everytime I look at something and I want to snoop, I grab it and then before opening it I say "NO! I turned this over to the Lord and if there is something I need to know, he'll open that door without my help. He sure doesn't need me to help Him.

It's hard and sometimes, I confess, I mess up and snoop but I'm at the point now that I feel what good is to snoop? What would it change? Would I still be here? I don't know those answers that's why it isn't worth my time. In other words, if I'm not sure that I would leave if I found out something, why find something? If I found something and decide to leave, why do I need that excuse? I already have reasons to leave.

Just a thought to share. Hang in there. You're doing good.

[OneWish]

He's found me twice on the room where he keeps his stuff and suspects something, he is slowly opening up and my meddleing doesn't help, I find it near impossible to stop snooping! I know is bad, I will try hard to stop.

I know where you are coming from. I asked my wife to get rid of anything that might hurt me, i.e. phone numbers. She did her best. I snooped and found some names and I was upset and brought it up to her in a whiney manner. I didn't help me.

Ask your husband to dispose of anything that might hurt you. There is nothing that you change about the past. Let it go. I hope that you two can attend Retrouvaille.

[always_14]

Ahhh, the subject of snooping.

Let me tell ya, I was a master. I could have worked for the CIA, would have been a great asset to the Feds. It was hard to resist b/c I was at home, and I could never tell where things were headed with H and I, and I saw it as semi-protective as well, to see if I was just getting led on or what.

Now that I'm out, and last week when I found that H was seeing another W again (I think), something inside of me snapped. I just didn't care. Now, I don't want to go in the house for fear of finding something. I assume the worst, accept and move on. I don't want details, only to torture myself, life is too volatile right now for that. Of course, this is what I say now.

The past is the past. It's done. What are the facts: H left the house, he dated another woman while still married to you, he did things he otherwise would not have....you question whether THAT was the real him or the H you knew and still know is.....you wonder if she was more fun, exciting, all that. If you have what he wants now. Yes, you do. It's not HER that was more fun, it was the lifestyle, the freedom, from something he thought was miserable and never getting better, your M. Now it is better, you make it that each day.

It's not simple. It's downright painful and complex. But, take it day by day, and try to limit snooping. Nothing you find will make you leave H, you stuck by him through the worst. Now, move on. He's trying to, you should too, and not hold him to a past he wants to shed.

I won't tell you to STOP snooping, b/c you're human and it happens, mostly out of defense. You were lied to for so long, a large part of your life was a mystery, it's natural to want to know the truth. It's just plain weird what happened.

But, stay grounded, get on with YOUR life that you had while H was away, and keep that incorporated into your M. Also, this is a fragile state, you want to be sure that you work on the M to keep it from being what it was, and to keep the hard work and changes you worked for alive....don't get sidetracked.