I was on the "separated" board for months, got so much great input and after 7mths WAH came back. We do C every week, helps lots, but we seem to be regressing. We do good then fall down again. Yes, he is back home and doing counceling, but has said he "doesn't hate me but doesn't ...feel any other way either" We ML occasionally, some days are great, but we I lost it yesterday and today I couldnt' help it and told him how awful it felt not be loved, like he doesnt' care.
Maybe I shouldn't have said it, we are trying to start over and I guess it is like rushing him, but how it hurts to see other couples being tender and caressing each other, and remember how much he cherished me. He still remembers the bad parts and doesnt' give me the benefit of the doubt, still thinks I'm all pissed off after an argument even if I act my best from my heart.
I feel like I can't win, dont' matter if I'm truly upset or not, he still pegs me as the b*tch, of course he denies it and says "that's how I see it, maybe you dont' think so but that's how I feel" I'm just at a loss, I'm not the monster he describes, all moody and spoiling for a fight, C helped me so much and I have changed, it's like he doesn't see this.
Please help, I've been near tears all day and night, he called me and told me that we'll talk tonight, actually acting like a human being and not blaming me, he reminds me he still has lots of issues and still doesn't feel like himself (he had or still has a MLC, untreated ADHD and dealing with a new job which still isnt' 100 secure until he passes 9mths of training.
well, if anyone reads this whine, bless you
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Positive - He's home. Now the "real" work begins! Stop moping, be happy, make your surroundings happy, make him happy that he's at home. The rest will come. I know you want the romance back but right now you need to be friends, it's like courting again, take your time, talk about life, work, whatever, keep talking, keep inviting him to go the movies, walking or whatever, court him without slobering all over him. That will come. Right now make your home the best it can be. Believe me, been there and done that. If he wants to know whats up, just tell him, look I'm grateful that your home and leave it at that, then take care of YOU. Like I said, invite him along but if he declines, you go. If he declines to go do something as a couple, then do something to make YOU feel pretty, get a facial, massage, whatever - you will be surprised how these simple things will make you feel better. Please take care of yourself.
It's okay to fall apart. Lord knows I have many,many times. Try to fall apart on this board and not at home. And when you do fall apart, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Don't stay down. Remember, we're all in this together and we are here to support one another. I know how lost you fell but you're only lost if you don't know where you are and you know where you are. You're in the middle of place that none of us wanted to be, but we're here so let's build our character and rise above the challenge. Some of won't be able to fix our M, some of us will, but either way, we have become stronger and resiliant people whose heart was always in the right place. We would have nothing to hang our heads down for. I know if I lost my H I would feel like my life was sucked out of me and that I've lost my best friend. A place I would not want to go. But guess what? Even with that loss, I still have gained.
Cat03, I can begin to imagine how scary it must be , now you have him home. Maybe he doesn't see the changes yet, but he will, or maybe there is somthing you are still doing that makes him feel you haven't change. Don't regreat your mistakes, it is bound to happen, just pick yourself back , undust and keep going. Yesterday I blew it, I cry, beg, pleaded, nothign works! and I knew better but emotions are so bad sometimes. I want to feel hug and kiss and adore so bad, it is like a craving. The only thing I can do is try not to think about that and concentrate in other areas of my life, reading, my work, the gym. Anyway, going back to you, keeo yoursefl busy as much as you can, things will move little by little, don't give up, you are doing so great, I'm proud of you.
You and I are going through something very similar. My H left for a few months, then came home in April and we have been working on things. I made the mistake of thinking that things would just go right back to the way they were, but they didn't. In fact, last night he told me that all he can be right now is my friend, nothing more. It hurts like heck, as you well know...the feeling of not being wanted or loved. My H tells me that he loves me, but just doesn't feel that "passion" that a man and wife should have. That is a tough one to swallow.
I need to follow the advice I am about to give you but be happy, DB your rear off, and be his friend. As hard as that is going to be for the both of us, that is what we need to do. I am so blessed that he is home, because so many on here aren't that fortunate.
Good luck to you and email me if you ever need to talk!
jayhawk75 My H didn't leave home but we are separated, he sleeps downstairs and me upstairs. yesterday he told me exactly the same, ILY but INILWY and we can only be friends. He has no desire to be intimate with me. I'm going to see him in half an hour, we are going to counseling, don't know what to do or say.
I'm sorry you are going through something similar. The good news is that you are both going to counseling, something my H will not even consider. I have seriously thought about just going for myself, but I don't know if that will help my marriage.
Just be his friend right now like he is asking...I know that is hard but what else can we do? Hang in there!
Cat...glad you started a new thread...read what you wrote on mine and it was nice. Welcome to Piecing (well, maybe I shouldn;t be the one to welcome you in my state of things ha ha ha ha)....
I understand what your'e going through. As much as it's confusing and weird in my state (separated and 0 contact)...the phase you're in is HARD. BUT, it's good. You have him home....now, it's work. Each day, each minute, each moment is hard work with definate rewards. I promise.
I think we all acknowledge that the WAS is a rollercoaster of emotions, but SO ARE WE....you will feel lucky some days, you will feel strong some days, you will feel low and hopeless some days. So, cut yourself a break. You're feeling this way b/c you're working so hard and getting nothing (or what seems like nothing) in return.
Count the small progress:
1) The BIGGEST of all is that you are back together 2) Also the BIGGEST is that you're self-aware and changing for the better...keep this up, this is all that really matters. 3) He is at least saying some positive things.
Remember, he has his own issues that prevent him from jumping back into things right now....you mentioned several of them (ADD, new job, etc). I try to keep myself grounded from the hopeless pity party by remembering all the things I did in M and that reminds me to be patient.
Honestly, you're expecting him to be enthused like you...he's not. He's not in your stage, he's a few steps behind, don't wreck things with your impatience. As long as he hasn't filed, you still have a chance.
Respect this: he's still with you, moved back home...that takes tremendous courage and faith. Although it doesn't seem like it, he's testing you every way, watching you every minute and remembering. I didn't think my H was, and then I found he did and it all made a difference....days were TOUGH, but your hard work really does make a difference. Be patient and thankful that you have his faith, still. Make good use of it....
Remember, regardless of what he says, the changes in you are for YOU, and good no matter the outcome. So, if you like the new you (which you do), then would you give that up if someone told criticized it? No. You just go on being you. Same goes here. H will say a lot of things to test...mine does....you just validate, say "I understand why you feel that way....seemingly sudden change in someone you came to believe could never change for years is hard to believe and jump into....we're humans and we have a memory for a reason...to protect us from repeated pain, and I understand." THEN, you don't get discourages, you just turn around and keep being YOU. Keep up the good work, and wait for his actions.
There was a time when H and I got back together that HE had changed drasticallty, for the better. I understand what he's going through, because I felt the same way then....didn't quite believe it....tested it, watched it, tested it. Same goes here....it's a test of your love, patience and forgiveness. Give it to him and undersatnd that he needs this now, and your turn will come.
So, give him space and time, to work through his issues that you have no ccontrol over. Then, you go about being happy, cheery, continuing your personal path of growht and new behaviors each day. Make them sincere, not just acting, make them sustainable and rewarding for YOU. Be yourself no matter what and DETACH.....most of us think that this ends when they come home, but I realized the hard way that we need to continue this as long as things are still in the "I'm confused" category. So, detach from H's moods, emotions, words, decisions. Just be you, center yourself, each day. Push through your intense lows, and just pull yourself back up.
This WILL make a difference. It did in my sitch (which took a weird turn around, but before that H really saw the differences and liked it).
First, learn to forgive yourself, allow yourself to grow, love yourself enough to change for a better you. Stay strong to this new person, find and center yourself in peace and strength each day. Don't view H's reactions/actions as personal to YOU....he's in a weird place now.....it's simple, you made mistakes, you're making amends and changing.....now it's his turn to do his part, and you can be patient for that, can't you? Didn't you promise that when you got married?
Sounds like you have lots of potential in your case....just stay the course. Don't get distracted by him. THis is good also, b/c being pulled by H's emotions and reactions is not healthy anyway....there will be times when you need to be strong and the foundation, now is one of them.
Hey, cat! I've always said that the hardest part of DBing begins once we start noticing positive changes in our R. But that's when DBing really counts the most. Your H is home; now is the time to start *showing* him (not telling him) about your changes. As someone else stated, invite him out one night. If he doesn't go, then you go by yourself. There's nothing more attractive than an independent, happy person.
A lot of times, once we have our Ss back, we push a little harder and forget all the DB "tips." We feel like the DBing efforts are over. Wrong. They've only just begun. Work the DBing principles now more than ever, while your H is home to take notice.
You're doing fine; just keep rolling with the punches.
BTW, when my H came home, things *did* go back to the wonderful way they were months before he left ... only better. But I can assure you of something: it didn't make my lousy feelings and suspicions go away. In fact, I would argue that at times, it made things worse. I always wondered if my H was hiding something because he seemed *way* too happy to be back home ... like nothing had ever happened.
If nothing else, be happy that your H is letting you know how he feels. Even though it isn't what you want right now. At least you know where things stand at the moment. And if you know what you're up against, you're much better poised to do something about it. Just remember to keep the focus on you.
