I don't know all of your story, but your H sounds a lot like mine did three years ago. In the nutshell, he had an affair. He told me about it. Said he doesn't love me and didn't think he ever did. Had found his soulmate. Was happy for the first time in his life. Was going to move out. Decided to stay. Stayed for the kids and didn't love me. I continued to DB. 6 months later he couldn't hide it any longer...he loved me. Three years later we are more in love than we have ever been. Our communication skills have improved a hundredfold. We are happy, healthy, and in a deeply committed relationship again...heart and soul. It takes time and patience. His affair has not been erased from my head, but as the saying goes, we should not forget history lest it repeat itself. But that all-consuming feeling has gone and I have learned to control what I think about and when I think about it. So you are on the right path. right now he doesn't want to tell you he loves you because then that would have made everything he is feeling right now a lie. My H contrived a whole scenario in his own mind of how bad our marriage was to make what he was doing right. It is funny because we used to write each other these little notes almost on a daily basis before his Affair. When I take them out now and show them, he can't believe that he believed we were in such a bad place maritally. He contrived a lot of his unhappiness and non-loving feelings to rationalize his affair. It took a long time for him to get over his guilt and wrongdoing. And since he was willing to stay, even though in his own mind he didn't think he'd ever be happy again, he was able to see what a beautiful and special relationship we have. So take time. I learned on this website that healing time equals one month for each month of marriage. That pretty much covered the time I needed to trust my h. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the A entirely, but I am able to function very well right now and love my H completely. Keep working on yourself and put your best effort into the marriage. He'll come around. Karen
