Rachael...I wish I had a solution for you! I tried the big red stop sign idea but it didn't work for me. I wish I knew the trick for stopping unwanted thoughts from popping into one's head or once they pop up getting them to leave!! I finally reached a point where when thoughts of the A or the XOW popped into my head I just let them go through. For the first several months I cried everytime I thought about it! Then as time went on the crying prety much stopped. I would tell myself that the XOW wasn't worth my tears or my thoughts. I would tell myself that my H did not love her,he loves me and he wanted to stay with me. I think I would have been farther along in the trusting process had I not discovered 4 months after he ended the A that he was still hearing from her and responding to her emails! That really set me back!! There I was thinking that he was keeping his promise to let me know if he heard from her (I even asked him a few times and he told me he wasn't!)and starting to try to work on trusting. I knew he wasn't seeing her anymore (she lived out of town)so I really never worried about that. He went on his big golf trip close to where she lives,but he did a lot to reassure me and even though I had a "set back" while he was gone it wasn't about thinking he was seeing her..I really didn't think he would do that.
When he wrote a letter telling the XOW that they could not even be friends and that there could be no more communication,she gave her daughter my screen name and she IM'd me one day. She started telling me all these things that my H told her mother and I told her they were all lies. Then she started calling my H all kinds of nasty names (some of which he deserved). I told her that I was not interested in anything she had to say and that I hoped her mother would get on with her life and leave my H alone. Her daughter said that "she will now that she knows what a lying *&%$#@*%$#@& he is". Evidently her mother was there with her (or maybe it was even her)and was reading everything I said. Anyway,I feel like because I told her the truth about the lies my H had told her,she realized that she didn't even want to have anything more to do with him. I also feel that the daughter would take great delight in telling me if he had coontacted her again.
I don't panic or get anxiety attacks when I start having the ocassional doubt. I am just "paranoid" and I tend to imagine things!! I am better though!! I don't mention the doubts to my H and I never ask him anymore if he has heard from her. He said the last time we talked that he had put it all behind him and he I know he hates to talk about it. So,I am dealing with the doubts myself but I realize that he has done all he can to reassure me that it is completely over,that she means nothing to him and he has put his all into our R. He can't make the doubts go away...I have to do that myself. I have to decide if I can trust him or not. I have decided I can and I know that in time the doubts will stop..especially since he is doing nothing to even arouse my suspicions!
I pray everyday for the strength to put it completely behind me and I can honestly say that I can feel it happening. I am learning to "trust my feelings" when they tell me that I can trust him,that he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me that way again. It's really kind of hard to explain. I guess it's like when you see the little cartoons where someone has the devil on one shoulder and the angel on then other. One is telling me "trust your heart,trust your feelings,trust your H" and the other is saying "he cheated on you,he made you a promise and he broke it and lied to you..how can you trust him after all that?" I have really started tuning the "devil" out!! I just tell myself to stop thinking that way and believe in what I feel! It works and I honestly feel lighter inside when I don't allow the doubts to take over.
I know I haven't been much help to you but to be honest I really can't tell you how to make the doubts stop. You have to find what makes you feel better and what gives you the peace of mind you need. Everyone is different and everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. I hope that maybe someone else out there might know a trick or two that would help. All I can tell you is to take it a day at a time,trust your instincts and feelings,when you start to feel nervous or panicky,stop,take a deep breath and remember that your H is with you and he loves you and he wants your M to work. Time does heal!!
