Thanks Lily-it always helps to hear from you. I'm just on the rollar coaster today of wether or not the man is telling me the truth! His actions do not reinforce any kind of security in me except the ILY's I get, and how he reaches for my hand in the car. He talks to me but not about R stuff. Not the reassurance I want. It's taking ALL I have today not to call him and have a R talk which I know I cannot do of course. The anxiety is back in full force today because of my doubts. Maybe C will help tonight. We always have R talks there, and I will get some kid of feeling of where he's at, becasue I'm clueless right now. Rachael M.
Me too! I'm not calling him-that's a huge step. I want to but I know I'm WAY too needy right now and he's at work and he does not like to deal with stuff from work. He does not like to dela with stuff from anywhere!
One thing I do have to keep in mind when I start getting those "bad" thoughts when thinking about our love life is that my H is 57 and I do understand that sometimes the "drive" slows down when you start to "age". I know my H loves me and desires me but I sometimes need the reassurances. According to a lot of stuff I have read we are above average (3 times a week). I never really thought much about it until it died down back when we were having our "unhappy period" (that's what I'm calling it). We were still intimate but it was once a week. That stayed the same even when he started the A (but I figure he was only seeing her once a month and that only lasted 4 months so there was no reason for it to decrease any further). For some reason I really had no problem with resuming the intimacy after the A. I know a lot of women do but I guess the way I felt was that I loved him and that was part of my loving him. Oh,I was insecure at times but never when we were being intimate (thank goodness it didn't hit me at those times!). One thing that also helped was I saw a picture of this woman. She wasn't much different from me!! She was just a plain everyday average normal looking woman (maybe a bit "plump"..which I was then but now I've shed 80 pounds!also she was only 5 years younger than me). Had she been this young,slim,gorgeous thing my self esteem would have completely vanished!! We actually talked about the sex thing sometime after the A ended. He told me that it wasn't "just for sex"..she was listening to him and understanding him and stroking his ego by telling him how wonderful he was,etc.,etc.,etc. I guess for some men (and women)it is about sex. I often wonder if the ones that cheat for sex are the ones that cheat often.
I also know a lot of my H's "slow down" is because of the long hard hours he's had to put in at work,he had to start working nights for a couple of months and he has a very stressful job. I do know that it is different now. I can feel a difference when we are intimate. Before when we were both so unhappy there were times when I could have cared less . It's kind of hard to explain a "feeling".
No one can tell you when the trust will come back. In my case I just have this feeling in my heart that things are good with us,we are happy and I am taking care of all his wants,needs and desires so he has no "reason" to go looking for those things somewhere else. Even other people have remarked how much happier we both have been this past year and a half and how it seems that we have "fallen in love all over again". So I feel that it's not just my imagination or "wishful thinking"!
I hope that everything works out for you. Just keeping moving forward,take those "baby steps" and take one day at a time. Remember that "actions speak louder than words" and remind your H of that too!! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Pat
Pat, Our sex life slowed way down when he was in the A,but I was not aware he was at the time. It lasted 2 and a half yrs so the sex thing kept dropping off and I got the feeling he was avoiding me or he finally just gave up trying to be intimant with me. I had this uneasy feeling that we were drifting further and further apart, and I'd try to talk to him about it sometimes but he would get defensive and it would usually end up in a fight. It was during this time that I asked him a couple of times if he was haivng an affair. He lied of course,asking "when would I have time"? I chose to believe him . Finally we had a big fight one night and that's the night he left. He was gone 6 months and I could not understand why he was so distant from me ( although we remained intimant, mostly at my prompting) and why he would not come home or go to C. to try and work on us. At the end of the 6 months he finally agreed to go to counceling after a particulary emotioal night and it was 2 sessions into the C. that he admitted to the affair. I had to pull it out of him and say someone I knew saw him with this woman. IT was awful. I let him have it big time. HE called me crying and apologizing,promising to break it off with her. I was leaving the next week to take our S, D, and grandson to Florida for spring break. It was our S. 16th birthday while we down there and Adrian and my son In Law showed up that night of Adam's birthday party at the restaurant unexpectedly. They had driven 19 hrs straight to get there. He did not know how I would react, but he did not want to miss our S birthday. I was floored he would show up. We have been together ever since and he broke it off with the OW before he came to FLorida. He only saw her one other time, when she called him to come nad pick up his electric saw from her house. He did -I think she must have tried to seduce him or somethihg because the C asked if there had been any hanky panky nad he said no, definately not-that she had gotten VERY angry with him, and told him never to call her agian which according to him he has not nor has she called him. IT's going on 5 months now and we are gettting along great. The sex is getting better. It was great when he first came hom, then it does down some and now it is getting better little by littel. HE has always had a strong sex drive, and I didn't have any becasue of the antidepressants I was on. NOw I have changed AD and I don;t have that problem so all those needs are being met. His other thing was my moods. Now I am not moody at all-I am alwyas plesant and nice when he comes home-he does not have to wonder what kind of mood I'll be in. MY insecurities still come in waves. and I have a hard time trusting him sometimes, but I know that is to be expected. He reassures me, and is very loving most the time. Once in a while he is distant and I get nervous, but I imagine it could have alot to do with just about anything. We have talked about the OW and how he does not want to be with her. He has assured me he is where he wants to be and is backing it up by his actions. C. has been a GOd send fro us. Our C is wonderful and has brought us to the point where we can talk without arguing, and she gives us homework to do-all very tangible things for us to do to improve our R. HE gave me some wonderfu compliments last sessionadn it made me cry to know that he felt that way about me again. Actually he never stopped he said-he just felt so alone and unloved and made a VERY bad chooice and regrets it with all his heart. We have promised that nothing like this will ever happen again. I won't go through another A and Adrian knows this. He is home for good and slowleee we are building a solid marriage that is going to be with open communication and love that just keeps growing every day. I still wish he'd try and seduce me when he drops by home during the day like he used to, but right now he is just so busy at work there's not enough hrs in the day to accomplish all he needs to do. He is kind of preoccupied during the work day, but its still a goal I have in my head that I want us to meet. He does not know this and when he does I will be very happy! I'm so glad things are working out so well for you. It sounds like you went through Hell Like me. Its has been the worse time of my entire life, hands down, but unless it would have happened we may have gone on in a dead marriage forever and that would not have been any good either. The end result is what matters. This ending is going to be a happy one! Keep enjoying the blessings you have recieved-it sounds like you already do!! Rachael M.
Jumping on your thread to say, "THANKS!" Not sure if you remember me or not, you posted to me a couple of times a few months ago when I was desperate for help. Well, I think things are going pretty well now, with the OW out of the picture. Just letting you know that I won't forget that time and the help you gave me. Thinking about moving to a new thread on this forum, just want to make sure in my mind that it's really over first.
KTF...Was so happy to read your post! I am glad that in some way I was some help to you. I know you are being cautious about things right now. It has been a year and 5 months since my H broke off his A but there are times when this little voice in my head goes places I really don't want it to go. I try everyday to believe what my heart is telling me.."I can trust him". Only someone who has been where we have can understand that. I know in my heart I forgave him but trusting again is the hard part. My heart is telling me he has not been in touch with her or heard from her since July 2001 when he wrote and told her they could not even be friends but sometimes my head starts making me wonder. I never tell him about those times. He has tried everything he can to reassure me and I know other than not having contact there is really nothing else he can do. It is up to me to believe him and it is up to me to find my way to the point of complete trust. I am happy to hear that the XOW is out of your lives. I know when my H finally got the message that an EA was just as bad as a PA and put the XOW completely and totally out of the picture it was like a load had been lifted from my heart.
Like your name says...KEEP THE FAITH!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to pray that everything contiues to move forward for you and your H!!!! pfroglady (Pat)
Pat-its been so ong since your H has promised to be faithful and yet you still have moments of doubt. Mine has been back 5 months and has not given me any reason to doubt he is telling the truth that it is over-I believe him because I know of the circumstances, and he does not want her life. Still......once trust is broken it takes a very long time to rebuild I am learning. The first 9 months all I did was have panic and anxiey attacks. I seem to be getting better with those as I trust him more. DId you have them? Tell me your process of getting to where you trusted again and what you did when those darn self doubts came up and you were just sure he was calling her even though yout head said you have no proof and he's acting like he wants to be home. The whole affair erodes so much. It takes our reasonble thinking away from us for such a long time. I am REALLY working on letting go and just beleivieng he is telling the truth. I just need some help with those times I start obsessing. ANd the big red stop sign does not work very well for me becausee I go into panic mode and need reassurance from him,but I can't call him all the time asking him for it. When its really bad I do call him and he is good about talking to me and reassuring me and then you still wonder....he lied for so long..is he still? and then you think we had 27 yrs of faithfullness-this just hapened and I have to deal with it-so..since your further down the road than me can you help on this at all?? Thanks, Rachael M.
Rachael...I wish I had a solution for you! I tried the big red stop sign idea but it didn't work for me. I wish I knew the trick for stopping unwanted thoughts from popping into one's head or once they pop up getting them to leave!! I finally reached a point where when thoughts of the A or the XOW popped into my head I just let them go through. For the first several months I cried everytime I thought about it! Then as time went on the crying prety much stopped. I would tell myself that the XOW wasn't worth my tears or my thoughts. I would tell myself that my H did not love her,he loves me and he wanted to stay with me. I think I would have been farther along in the trusting process had I not discovered 4 months after he ended the A that he was still hearing from her and responding to her emails! That really set me back!! There I was thinking that he was keeping his promise to let me know if he heard from her (I even asked him a few times and he told me he wasn't!)and starting to try to work on trusting. I knew he wasn't seeing her anymore (she lived out of town)so I really never worried about that. He went on his big golf trip close to where she lives,but he did a lot to reassure me and even though I had a "set back" while he was gone it wasn't about thinking he was seeing her..I really didn't think he would do that.
When he wrote a letter telling the XOW that they could not even be friends and that there could be no more communication,she gave her daughter my screen name and she IM'd me one day. She started telling me all these things that my H told her mother and I told her they were all lies. Then she started calling my H all kinds of nasty names (some of which he deserved). I told her that I was not interested in anything she had to say and that I hoped her mother would get on with her life and leave my H alone. Her daughter said that "she will now that she knows what a lying *&%$#@*%$#@& he is". Evidently her mother was there with her (or maybe it was even her)and was reading everything I said. Anyway,I feel like because I told her the truth about the lies my H had told her,she realized that she didn't even want to have anything more to do with him. I also feel that the daughter would take great delight in telling me if he had coontacted her again.
I don't panic or get anxiety attacks when I start having the ocassional doubt. I am just "paranoid" and I tend to imagine things!! I am better though!! I don't mention the doubts to my H and I never ask him anymore if he has heard from her. He said the last time we talked that he had put it all behind him and he I know he hates to talk about it. So,I am dealing with the doubts myself but I realize that he has done all he can to reassure me that it is completely over,that she means nothing to him and he has put his all into our R. He can't make the doubts go away...I have to do that myself. I have to decide if I can trust him or not. I have decided I can and I know that in time the doubts will stop..especially since he is doing nothing to even arouse my suspicions!
I pray everyday for the strength to put it completely behind me and I can honestly say that I can feel it happening. I am learning to "trust my feelings" when they tell me that I can trust him,that he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me that way again. It's really kind of hard to explain. I guess it's like when you see the little cartoons where someone has the devil on one shoulder and the angel on then other. One is telling me "trust your heart,trust your feelings,trust your H" and the other is saying "he cheated on you,he made you a promise and he broke it and lied to you..how can you trust him after all that?" I have really started tuning the "devil" out!! I just tell myself to stop thinking that way and believe in what I feel! It works and I honestly feel lighter inside when I don't allow the doubts to take over.
I know I haven't been much help to you but to be honest I really can't tell you how to make the doubts stop. You have to find what makes you feel better and what gives you the peace of mind you need. Everyone is different and everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. I hope that maybe someone else out there might know a trick or two that would help. All I can tell you is to take it a day at a time,trust your instincts and feelings,when you start to feel nervous or panicky,stop,take a deep breath and remember that your H is with you and he loves you and he wants your M to work. Time does heal!!
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I try everyday to believe what my heart is telling me.."I can trust him". Only someone who has been where we have can understand that. I know in my heart I forgave him but trusting again is the hard part. My heart is telling me he has not been in touch with her or heard from her since July 2001 when he wrote and told her they could not even be friends but sometimes my head starts making me wonder. I never tell him about those times. He has tried everything he can to reassure me and I know other than not having contact there is really nothing else he can do. It is up to me to believe him and it is up to me to find my way to the point of complete trust. I am happy to hear that the XOW is out of your lives. I know when my H finally got the message that an EA was just as bad as a PA and put the XOW completely and totally out of the picture it was like a load had been lifted from my heart.