THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER

[healedbutscarred]

I started greeting my H at the door when he got home from work with a smile,a hug,a kiss,a drink and a "how was your day?" He really seemed to appreciate that. Used to when he was late getting home I didn't even greet him at the door. I also started giving him foot rubs (he REALLY loves those :-)!!). I will ocassionally give him a massage. Sometimes it leads to sex,sometimes it doesn't. I will ocassionally mail him a card or love letter to work and I also send him email cards (sometimes very provocative sometimes just telling him I love him). I give him coupons for everything...special dinners,back rubs,foot rubs,breakfast in bed,sex,hugs,kisses and sometimes coupons that just tell him they are good for all the love I have to give. Not knowing your H I don't know if he'd like these things or not. Mine seems to appreciate them. He isn't very romantic but he sure seems to appreciate romance :-) !! I always make sure to tell him that I am proud of him,I appreciate him and I care about him!! Little things seem to really mean a lot to him.

[RMC]

I think my H would like laot of those things! I know he would like to be greeted at least with a smile and a kiss and a "How was your day?" This I am doing every day now. I frequently tell him that I missed him during the day,becasue its true. I love being with him. Its when I feel at my best. He actaully says it back to me, so it must mean he thinks about me. I am trying not to go by his office too much during the day. THings are crazy at his office-He's a contractor, and he's usually on the phone or constantly being interrupted by someone coming in his office while I'm there. He's the boss man so he has to deal with it! HE likes massgaes too! That is something new we started doing since he came home-with baby oil. I don't know if its somethin he did with OW-I doubt it because I was the one that started it. Even so, I'm sure its better between he and I!
I do need to be more vocal about appreciating him and being proud of him. He needs that affirmation wether he beleives he does or not. Who wouldn't?
SO...I'm glad you told me those things! I'll start tonight-and make it a point to say something affirming to him every day no matter what. He LOVES to be appreciated-that's a biggie for him. I know he did not feel it at all when he went into the A. I was blind, and I took him for granted. A hard lesson, but well learned. If you have any ther tidbits let me know! One thing I do is I exercise in fron of him EVERY night-I do 300 crunches and stretching excercies and even back bends! Yes, I can still do them! I have kept by body in shape and I think he really apprecaites that. Lets him know that I'm doing something consistently too. I'm usually in something slinky too! I've heard men are stimulated visually, so I figure it a good way to get my excercise and stimulate him at the same time! I'm off to lunch! Rachael M.

[healedbutscarred]

Since I lost 80 pounds I now feel much better about myself and my H has told me how pround he is of me. I bought me some really sexy things and he REALLY appreciated that !! When I bought them I was with my young daughter-in-law and she told me that she was so proud of me..the sales lady asked if the items were for my DIL and when I told her they were for me she kind of looked at me like what would a woman my age be wanting that stuff for!! I looked at her and said "I may be 54 but I feel 34 and I act 24!!" I told her to try it on her H and she might be surprised at the reaction she got!! Anyway...My H is also the type that likes to be appreciated and I had stopped doing that and eveidently the XOW filled in for me !! Believe me that will NEVER happen again!! I also make sure I tell him "thank you" when he does little things for me (even when I have to ask him to do some things). I don't know about all men but I know my H loves having his ego stroked so I tell him how sexy I think he is,I tell him how good he looks when he gets all dressed up and I tell him what a good lover he is (he really likes it when I send him a sexy email thanking him for making me feel so good !!). Sounds like you are right on track and things are going really great for you!! Keep it up!! Pat

[RMC]

My imagination is running away with me again. Tll me Pat, did it take a long time for your H to start treating you the way he did before the A? OR does he yet? Mine is still distant-maybe alot of it is my own insecurities,but how do you know if its that or if he's still having contact with her? How do you get past all this?? I want to move on and stop thinking about it,but its like I have to have some kind of reassurance that all this is not just a farce-that we're together,but he's rather be with her. Its how he acts towards me that gets me thinking this way. Cool, not saying or doing all the things he used to before the A. I have nothing to go on except that he's here and I'm not always sure its where he wants to be. My PMA is down the drain today. SOrry. Rachael M.

[healedbutscarred]

Rachael...sorry to hear your PMA is down today!! Don't let that throw you off though!! You will have days like that...I still have the ocassional one even after a year and a half. I think it is normal after what we've been through. The trick is to not let it obcess you and make things harder. Wish I had the magic formula for it but I don't. You just have to keep telling yourself that the A is over and your H loves you or he wouldn't be with you. My H doesn't communicate his feelings very well (never has..goes back to his childhood) so I have to kind of judge if he is happy (he does act happy and he is different from when we were having problems) and every now and then I have to ask if things are good for him. We had that discussion the other day and he assured me that everything is great. While we were both unhappy (before A) I noticed our sex life had slowed down but it was still good. I chalked a lot of it up to getting older and my weight problem. The during the A things stayed the same so I really had no clue he was seeing someone else (helped that she was in another state). It picked up a lot after the A. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was ready to intimate with him right away. Think that may have surprised him. During the A he never stopped telling me everyday that he loved me and he never stopped hugging and kissing me whenever he left for work and got home. I guess if those things had stopped I would have wondered. But when he told me that he had never stopped loving me I knew that was why the affection had never stopped. I wish I knew what to tell you. Everyone is different and everyone's feelings are different. Some people get over things quicker but that doesn't mean you won't get over it. You just have to stay strong,continue doing the things you have been doing if they seem to be working and as for trusting he has broken off all contact with the OW,I can only tell you that you have to make that determination for yourself. You know your H better than anyone else and only you can decide if he is being honest with you. It took me a very very long time to even start trusting and even now I have the ocassional "I wonder if..."! I don't quesion my H anymore and I never ask if he has heard from her anymore. But I know my H well enough to know that by continuing to question him is not a good thing. He feels that it is over and he has put it behind him and he doesn't like to even think about it. He is the type that once he makes a decision he sticks to it. That is one reason I feel that I can believe he has not had any contact with her. But I also believe him because I can feel it in my heart. That is something you have to feel for yourself. I know that I am doing everthing I can to make our R happy and strong and he is working at it too so that helps the trust come back. I pray a LOT and that helps me so much!! Remember that I am here for you to offer any support or help I can and I will keep you and your H in my thoughts and prayers!! PAT

[RMC]

I too am praying alot. I don't underestimate the power of it. There have been so many times when I thought my prayers were not beong heard, only to have them answered much later. God has his own timing and I know it is perfect. I feel guilty worrying,because I am a beleiver and have put my marrriage in God's hands a thousand times only to try and take it back again by worrying. IT is a constant thorn in my side. Maybe one wheich he willuse someday to help me grow into a much better eprsonthan Iam right now (It wouldn't take much at this point in my life. I was always so upbeat and laughed all the time, now I feel everything has been sucked out of me. I know its prorbaly only temporary but its been an LONG time and I still am struggling with the A and the betrayal. I suppose I will fro a long time but I'm not about to give up. I jst am prayiing for the will to start to really live again, and have actual joy! What a happy day that will be for me.
When I can stop askig my H for reassurance it will make both of us happy I think. THe last itme I talked to him about it I asked him to please reasssure me from time to time that there has no contact wioth her nad that I can totally trust him. HE said he would try. I am still wiating for him to do that, but its only been 4 days, so I will not give up hope yet. I would think he would want top reassure me, but I guess its a painful remainder to him of what he did and is so ashamed of. I'm off to read a little before he comes home. I asked him to tryand come home early-he would not promise but siad he'd try. We'll see! Rachael M.

[healedbutscarred]

I have tried to tell my H so many times that his actions will show me that he loves me,appreciates me and the things I do for him and show me he has completely put the XOW out of our lives. But there are times when I just need to hear the words. Oh,he tells me everyday several times a day "I LOVE YOU" but I mean I like to hear him tell me "thank you or I appreciate what you do". I am past the point where I need him to tell me the XOW hasn't been in touch but there are times when I need to discuss our R and that sometimes includes talking about her and the A. A lot of men are like my H...they hate talking about things over and over but they need to try and understand that they hurt us deeply and in order for us to heal and learn to trust they must discuss the things we need to talk about. Yes,sometimes it hurts and the answers I get hurt but that helps heal. Hope you are feeling better!! PAT

[RMC]

I'm stickig to the No talk of the OW for 21 days-that is unless he brings it up which is HIGHLY unlikley, or our MC will bring it up topmorrow night. SHe usually chekcs in about it. I'll just let him answer and see what he says. I Thin k what you said about them showing us they love us by thier actions is great! I will have to tell him that one. I know he'll say "well, don't I"?
HE tends to get defensive very easily so I have to know how to come back after he asks that.
HE does show me,but he could do alot more. I'm still waiting for that unasked for reassurance from him that he said he would do. I think he does not like to bring the past up,but he has toknow I still have to deal with it from time to time and he can help me through it. He's got a 5:30 appt. close to where she lives tonight. I know the people-but I
ve only et them once, but we hung out with them for a long dayonthe lake once. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him. HE said do you think that's the thing to do? I said why not? I know them. I guess He did not think we knoew them well enough and iot would not look professional bringing his wife along although I'm sure they would not mind. dropped it-we'll see what he says later whenthe time comes. HE knows what I'm thinking. I know he won't go by her house or anything its just those old insecurities creeping in-he'll say I'll call you when I'm leaving there. WEll if he stays for 2 hrs I am going to be freaked out, and trying to keep my PMA up. THe other thing we can do is he can drop me off at his brothers and sister in law on his way there-they live real close and I can stay there while he goes and meets withthen and then we can all go out to eat afterwards. At this point I still have to do what I need to do to keep from tail spinning into a panic attack. He should know its still so raw that I need to know this is going to be safe. I'm going to the Dr. about my meds this morning. ALthough they help, I still have way too much anxiety. The more Adrian shows me in little ways he's REALLY back and that he loves me the less anxiety I have. I hate it being connected to how he treats me but that's just the way it is right now. What so you think I should do about the Appt. tonight? Any thoughts? I'd apprecaite the feedback! Thanks, Rachael M.

[RMC]

Pat-I was reading WAY back on Matilda's old thread, and read something you wrote that got my attention-you said when you and your H first got back together the sex was great fro while and then it died down some and then went back up. That is waht is happeneing to us! At first we were intimant almost every night. Now he is not initating much and when I do it takes him longer to respond and get aroused when all I used to have t o do was say something or touch him. It really makes me feel insecure and makes you wonder what;s going on with them. IS he thinking about her? Is he talking to her? All questions I have no answers for. He tells me he loves me but I feel he has backed off from when he first came home-he was trying so much harder then to be reassuring. It just feels like he's not totally present with me, and I don't feel safe enough to tell him for fear of him getting defensive thinking he is doing so much and I tell him it's not enough. When do we get the trust back?? When do we know that these actions are not about the OW? I need so much love from him right now and he just deos not seem to be able to give it to me. I jst keep coming here to post so I don't call him and say something that would set us back months, We have MC tonight so I do plan to address my feelings. I'm just not sure ho at this point. IT sounds like you went through so much of this with your H. My main concern of course is that the OW is not involved in any way. HE sawears she's not and maybe its just the withdrawal thing and I need to back off and not be so needy although I try not to be I'm sure it comes through, and he's afraid he can never be all I need. I have the same fears! Can I be all he needs after the A? I think so-I just need to remain calm and let the R take its course. This is soooo hard!!! Rachael M.

[lily]

Lady Frog, need to borrow your thread a moment.

Thank you.

Rachel, re the intimacy.

After our bomb I became the persuer. I didn't know that this was typical behavior. I did know that I was feeling better (thyroid meds were at optimum) and I had a libido again.

Sage stopped initiatiang but would respond to me.

In May when I screwed up he told me that he had low libido and no desire for me. I wasn't aware at the time that he was having second thoughts. I thought he was 'just' in withdrawal.

So during C session when he disclosed the 2nd thoughts (C said it's ok to have 2nd thoughts, even normal, and we all experience ambivalence about many different things every day. Thing is to handle these feelings in a grown up approprate fashion. Affairs are not appropriate LOL).

Well, that was a hit to my ego.
It bothered me that Sage would not orgasm. Was it hormonal, passive anger, WHAT??????

It bothered me that he was no longer as receptive to my advances. Eveything was being colored my my 'overhearing' him tell C that he was having second thoughts and considering rekindling a R down the road.....

I had to deal w it. I eventually told Sage that it was difficult for me to approach him sexually if I felt as if he would say no thank you or if . . .you can imagine the rest.

I did not mention ow. I did not mention my needs. I just expressed that I needed him to be more emotionally available. I told him that it was not that I didn't desire him. It was not that I did not want him. It was that I was feeling intimidated and didn't want to get burned.

Our R has only improved.

Sage seems to be relaxing that the ow 'shoe' won't drop again. He sometimes say's "just let it go"---his mantra.

In time, like 10 months,
He reached for me and seduced me and . . .he was fulfilled.

I did not pressure him. I was emotionally and physically available, ready and willing to initiate but not willing to be 'needy' and pushy OR condtional. Hope this helps.