ELIZA...I posted a reply to your post to Anna's on infidelity/jealousy so you can check that out. It's good to know that in some small way I have helped you. It does feel good to talk to others who have been hurt and are healing. My H is the type that doesn't like to keep bringing up things once they have been settled. He did talk to me about the A whenever I felt the need but now I feel that I no longer need to talk to him about it. He may not understand it but it does help me to talk about it. As I said prayer and faith has gotten me where I am now.
I think what I did was transfer my anger toward my H to this OW. I dealt with the anger toward him when I first discovered the A. The hurt was much worse than the anger. I dreamed up little scenes involving this XOW and thought of what I'd say to her if I met her face to face!! We took a couple of trips to the area where she lives and I even had my H take me to the club where he met her. Part of me wanted her to see us together. I wanted her to see him holding me and touching me and kissing me!! We went there 3 times and never saw her which I thought ws strange because that is where she "hangs out". I finally realized that God does works in mysterious ways. It dawned on me that He didn't think that I needed to met her,He didn't think that it was a good thing for any of us involved to confront one another. I accepted not meeting her as God's will. I still ocassionally think about it but now it just doesn't seem important. I have more important things to think about. She is not woth my time and my thoughts. She means less than nothing to me and she means nothing to my H. I think back on when he called her and broke off the A. I remember hearing him tell her "I love my wife,I never stopped loving her...and because of this love I want to stay with her and work on our marriage". I now realize how that hurt her. She had told him numerous times of her love for him and not once had he ever told her he loved her or even had any strong feelings for her. She had to realize in that moment that he had used her. At first I didn't care..I was glad she was hurt..I wanted her to feel just a fraction of the pain I was dealing with. Now I just don't care...it has been a year and a half..nothing I can say or do now will matter either way to her and it won't do me any good. Letting go is hard and I think I used her and my anger toward her to help let go of the pain and let go of the anger toward my H. Don't know if that makes sense but aiming all that hostility toward her helped me keep it from spewing out toward my H while we were mending our R. For a long time I felt that I didn't get "closure" with her but now I find that I don't need it. Can't really explain why other than after much praying I am at peace within my self. I feel light inside..like a weight has been lifted. She does not have the power to hurt me and the memory of her has no power to hurt me. The had part was forgiving my H,dealing with the pain and mending our R. If I could accomplish all those things then the act of putting this XOW out of my life could also be accomplished.
I know that if you were strong enough to forgive your H and you were strong enough to work on your R with him after what he did to try and destroy it,then you will be strong enough to eventually put this XOW in the past where she belongs.Just take it one step and a time and one day at a time!! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Your Friend Pat (if you'd really like to "talk" you may email me. pfroglady@aol.com)
