I had wanted to reply to you before you left on your little get-away. Wasn't in the mood, sorry. I hope your time alone with your H was wonderful. You deserve it.
I feel like so many of you are my close friends now. Odd, since I've never met any of you. But, we've certainly shared some intimate details of our lives, haven't we?
Leaving for vacation. Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your concern and your friendship. You've been a great comfort to me.
I'll be back in a couple of weeks. As with all my friends here, I'll continue to pray for you -- please do the same for me.
LILY.... Thanks for stopping by!! How are you doing? What's going on with you? I've been trying to catch up with people since I got back from my short (but FANTASTIC trip !!). We had a very good time and it was romantic,relaxing and just plain FUN!! I managed to get through the days with no bad thoughts and made lots of happy new memories to knock the bad ones even further to the past!! Now I am looking forward to our big major vacation this September!! That will last a week!! We'll be heading to Florida. Let me know how things are going with you!! Your Friend,Pat the pfroglady
Hello Pfroglady, This is my first time here and I have been blessed reading so many of your postings...I think you and I and our painful experiences have been on a similar timeline. My H and I do love each other so much, and he is doing everything in his power to help me trust him again. I try so hard to forget what he did...he didn't love the OW, I know and believe that...but it still hurts so much that he did what he did and deceived me about it. He acknowledges responsibility for the problems we used to have in our relationship...he always refused to go to counseling then, but now he has gone several times (we haven't gone for quite a while now) and things are really, really great. Actually, in a strange way, now that things are so great, it makes thinking about what he did even more painful. Do you have any suggestions for putting the painful thoughts out of my mind? I hate how much I still think about it. I have thoughts of wanting to humiliate the OW in some way, even though I know I will never do it. I wish she knew how much my H loves me and loved me even when he was with her...I want her to feel hurt, even though I know she probably is hurting...I just wish I could forget it all!!! I think trustin God each day, and doing lots of praying are probably the key. Anyway, it feels good to "talk" with others who have suffered too. You have such an inspiring spirit in your words!
ELIZA...I posted a reply to your post to Anna's on infidelity/jealousy so you can check that out. It's good to know that in some small way I have helped you. It does feel good to talk to others who have been hurt and are healing. My H is the type that doesn't like to keep bringing up things once they have been settled. He did talk to me about the A whenever I felt the need but now I feel that I no longer need to talk to him about it. He may not understand it but it does help me to talk about it. As I said prayer and faith has gotten me where I am now.
I think what I did was transfer my anger toward my H to this OW. I dealt with the anger toward him when I first discovered the A. The hurt was much worse than the anger. I dreamed up little scenes involving this XOW and thought of what I'd say to her if I met her face to face!! We took a couple of trips to the area where she lives and I even had my H take me to the club where he met her. Part of me wanted her to see us together. I wanted her to see him holding me and touching me and kissing me!! We went there 3 times and never saw her which I thought ws strange because that is where she "hangs out". I finally realized that God does works in mysterious ways. It dawned on me that He didn't think that I needed to met her,He didn't think that it was a good thing for any of us involved to confront one another. I accepted not meeting her as God's will. I still ocassionally think about it but now it just doesn't seem important. I have more important things to think about. She is not woth my time and my thoughts. She means less than nothing to me and she means nothing to my H. I think back on when he called her and broke off the A. I remember hearing him tell her "I love my wife,I never stopped loving her...and because of this love I want to stay with her and work on our marriage". I now realize how that hurt her. She had told him numerous times of her love for him and not once had he ever told her he loved her or even had any strong feelings for her. She had to realize in that moment that he had used her. At first I didn't care..I was glad she was hurt..I wanted her to feel just a fraction of the pain I was dealing with. Now I just don't care...it has been a year and a half..nothing I can say or do now will matter either way to her and it won't do me any good. Letting go is hard and I think I used her and my anger toward her to help let go of the pain and let go of the anger toward my H. Don't know if that makes sense but aiming all that hostility toward her helped me keep it from spewing out toward my H while we were mending our R. For a long time I felt that I didn't get "closure" with her but now I find that I don't need it. Can't really explain why other than after much praying I am at peace within my self. I feel light inside..like a weight has been lifted. She does not have the power to hurt me and the memory of her has no power to hurt me. The had part was forgiving my H,dealing with the pain and mending our R. If I could accomplish all those things then the act of putting this XOW out of my life could also be accomplished.
I know that if you were strong enough to forgive your H and you were strong enough to work on your R with him after what he did to try and destroy it,then you will be strong enough to eventually put this XOW in the past where she belongs.Just take it one step and a time and one day at a time!! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Your Friend Pat (if you'd really like to "talk" you may email me. pfroglady@aol.com)
I'm all over this board today because I'm in such a bad spot and trying toget advice from those who have past where I am now. Here's the problem. I can't help wondering if he's still talking to her even though he says he's not. I don't thing my H would do all those things you said yours did with you Pat-Go by her house, go to the club where she hangs. He does not want to hurt her anymore than he already has. She was very nice to him and there for him when he really needed her he says and although he says he does not love her he does not wish to hurt her. No..my problem is beleiving they are having NO contact. He swears they aren't but I'm in a terrible place right now where I just don't beleive it. Oh, I Want to beleive it, and pray to be able to let it go, but it haunts me daily. I NEED to be able to trust him and how can he prove to me I can? I really need to move past this or I will start to portray a person to him that he would not like much-I don't like me much! What do you have if you can't feel the trust is really there?? I'd love to see his cell phone bills to see if there is any contact. I can't get ahold of them and he has been acting loving and atentive but there is this knawing feeling that he has talked to her. I need to know. He just called! I could not resist. I calmly asked him if she has tried to contact him and he said no. I told him It was just hard for me to believe That after so long she would not try to call him. He said he had thought the same thing,but that she was really upset with him when he broke it off. I asked him "how elese could you have done it, What other way could there have been"? HE said probably none,but that they had been friends for such a long time before the affair. I told him that once the affair started it could never go back to just being a friendship. He agreed with that. I guess maybe she thought it could, or at least wanted it to. I asked him if he had the strenghth not to answer the phone if she ever called and he said yes. I told him it would really help me if he would tell me that he has had no contact with her what so ever and that I can trust him without me asking him. I asked him if he could do that and he said yes. So, We'll see. I can tell he still feels bad about hurting her,but he did say he does not want her to call him. SO...I'm reassured for now-unless he is a relentless liar and I know he's not. What I want is to tell by our conversation that he has NO feelings for her anymore-I don't think its that he loves her-I think he just feels bad about hurting someone that loved him. I told him he hurt me too. I think he thinks since he dumped her and is with me that is why He feels bad for her. I have a hard time with that. I want the day to come when he does not care about how she feels, only what he did to us,but I guess its a process he has to go through even if he does not want to be with her. Just like for me, it's just going to take time to heal all of this mess. Rachael M.
It takes time to recover from an Affair. The thing is that your H has to have the personal integrity to behave appropriately w regard to her. The ideal would be to move away. Realistically , no contact is the healthist way to go. If there is professional contact it should be w others present and just that-professional.
Your change is to let it be on him, his responsiblity, to do the right thing because he wants to and not because he has too. Big difference.
You asked him about her today. Can you challenge yourself to go 21 days before allowing yourself to mention her again?
Lily, I'll take that challenge. 21 days. You may have to get me through some of them but I think I cna do it-I've gone at least 14 before with no mention of her. I can do this. HE has made the commitment of no contact. I just have to let it go and beleive him. Sine we talked about it today tomorrow will be day # 1 ok? That means until August 22. Wow, that seems a long way off but he will appreciate it and I will also get to see if he does what he says he will do which is reassure me without mew having to ask for it. That will be a stretch for him-but a good one. Thanks! Rachael M.
GOOD LUCK RACHEL!! I know you can make it 21 days!! I am pulling for you!! I know what you mean about your H not wanting to hurt the XOW anymore than he already did. My H felt guilty when he breoke off the A and tried to remain friendly with her when she emailed and asked if they could be friends. He thought I'd never know and he said he thought that it would be ok since he wasn't seeing her,just responding to the ocassional email. Well,I did find out and he ended up hurting me more! I explained to him that yes,she was hurt but she went into the A knowing that he was married and she knew she was risking her heart (her own words in a letter to him). She got hurt but now she has to move on..get over it and get a life!! I explained to him that it was ok for him to feel guilty for hurting her but he has to get over it and work on making it up to me for hurting me TWICE!! He was being emotionally unfaithful,whether or not he understands that. He told me it was completely and totally over. He swears he has had no contact with her since last July. Now how can he proove that? There really isn't a sure fire way he can so now it is up to me. I have to either accept his word or not. He can't make me believe him. It is a matter of me listening to my heart. We went to the club because it was the best place in town to go dancing. We discussd it before we went. He swore to me that it didn't bother him if she saw us together.He said the place held no special meaning to him. The only thing he was worried about was that if she was there with her firends or her D,someone would say or do something to upset or hurt me. He said we had been having so much fun together,he didn't want anything to spoil it. I knew he was reluctant to go but it was something I needed. As strange as it may seem,it was a part of the healing process. I made new and happy memories in a place that was the cause of some unhappy memories. Now when I think about that place I think of the fun WE had instead of his being there with someone else. Anyway...you GO GIRL!! Let us know how you are doing!! It's hard but I have all kinds of confidence in your ability to make it!! Pat
Thanks Pat! Wow the e-mail thing would have hurt me too. Luckily my H hates it and does not even have it. Your right though-it was wrong, and your in the same boat as me as far as choosing to beleive they are being honest. This is BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Ok....21 days! Since he was so nice in reasurring me today I want to be extra attentive to him tonight. HE has this need to be appreciated (don't we all?) so what are some little things I can say or do that let him know how much I appreciate him. Not sex...he suspects I use that as a tool, but he's beginning to understand that I've really changed in that dept. Come on, I know alot of you have been creative in showing your appreciation in different ways! I need some ideas please! Rachael
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!!). We had a very good time and it was romantic,relaxing and just plain FUN!! I managed to get through the days with no bad thoughts and made lots of happy new memories to knock the bad ones even further to the past!! Now I am looking forward to our big major vacation this September!! That will last a week!! We'll be heading to Florida. Let me know how things are going with you!!![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif){kind=icon}