THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER

[2Learn]

Ya know, I've seen your name here lots of times before and never looked at it carefully...enough. I always read it as something like pfgladfly, pfladgly, pfradgly, pfripgladerdo, pfrapladechino...isn't it amazing how something can be there so obvious and you just don't see it, eh, froggerino?
2L, formerly ALTL (alottolearn)

[2Learn]

Like sometimes the answer for how to handle a problem is r i g h t t h e r e but we just can't see it. I keep thinking I got it figured out then I go for a loooong, surf board style ride on some banana peel and land on my butt. Ah well, that sweet Matilda has it right, it's just part of being human.
2L

[healedbutscarred]

Been awhile since I posted on my thread so thought I'd update. Got past another "mile stone" without too many unhappy thoughts. The 4th of July marked a year since H had any contact with the XOW. He had stayed in touch with her by email since ending their A back in March (2001) because he said he "felt guilty about using her and hurting her..thought that to avoid hurting her anymore when she asked if they could be "friends" he thought it's be ok"...duh-h-h can you say "didn't have a CLUE!!!!"!! I didn't mention the A or XOW or anything to H but I think he could tell I was a tiny bit sad. It wasn't as bad as I was anticipating though. Now I am hoping and praying that the next "anniversay" of the "discovery" and the "final breakup" of the A won't be more than a fleeting memory.
Speaking of anniversaries.....this Sunday marks the 34th anniversary of my H and my 1st date!! We have found this neat little log house in Arkansas that has a fireplace,jacuzzi tub with glass wall behind it,a screened in patio with ceiling fan and sits on the banks of the Red River. We have rented it for 3 days and 2 nights. Sunday night we are going to grill steaks,eat on the screened in patio,share a bottle of our favorite wine,light some candles,put on some soft music and make use of that jacuzzi tub !!!!

[montana_kl]

pfroglady,

Hope you have a great time in Arkansas. I, too have spent time in a cabin on the Red River. As I look back on it, the W and I had a great time there together. Took the boat, caught some trout, grilled them along with some steaks outside the cabin one night.

You have brought back a good memory of mine. Now that I think about it, it was probably ~6 months after the A ended. She seemed so pleased and happy to have all my attention to herself for the few days we were there. Guess thats all she ever wanted from me in the first place.

Dont forget the mosquito dope when you go. As I recall, they had some big enough to tote you off that river at night.

[healedbutscarred]

Thanks Montana! My H and I love to trout fish. When our boys were young we did a lot of camping and one of our favorite spots was JOHN KENNEDY PARK. We'd fish off the bank or take a boat out. My H's cousin owned a place on the river for awhile and we spent some time there even back in the days when we seemed to be drifting apart. Seemed like those trips hepled a lot! Now they mean so much more. We really love getting away together and we feel even closer when we can. I'll let you know if we catch anything !! Pat

[bluedogg]

Hello Pfrog -

I just read through this thread and am happy to make your aquaintance....congratulations on having reached this place in your marriage. I wish you the best for the future with your H.

That TOW site is a real eye-opener isn't it? What a group of mostly non-introspective people! It's worth reading though to get the insight and also to see that there are some marriages out there that really aren't worth saving......

In regards to your earlier question about sex/love and the differences between men/women I would have to say that for myself the most satisfying overall sex happens when I have a strong emotional connection too. Sex can be fun when there is little emotional involvement but it's no good like that for a loving committed relationship. FYI I never cheated on my W even though I occasionally considered it.

I think it's important to try to avoid generalizations about male and female behavior in terms of thinking that one gender is more likely to cheat than another (not that I think you are saying that!), or even that men want sex without committment and women don't....I've been involved with my share of women who are afraid to open up emotionally in a relationship ( like my stbx, for exmaple ).

The Mars/Venus book is pretty good: it shows us some of the differences in how our brains are wired. But I see this as differences in how we interpret feelings and situations.........I think fundamentally our human-ness is the bottom line and that we all want mostly the same things.......to love and be loved, to be close and have connectedness to family and friends.

Ed

[healedbutscarred]

ED,thanks for replying to my thread. I was happy to read that you had never cheated on your W!! I know that there are men out there like you and they are to be commended!! I also feel that there are W out there who can have relations with men withoug loving them. I personally couldn't ever have sexual relations without love but that is my choice. Everyone is different and those differences are what makes this world an interesting place to live. Things happen in life that make people react in hurtful ways toward other people. It's how you choose to handle those hurtful things that can make you or break you and your R. If you go back and read all my story (first posted on INFIDELITY/JEALOUSLY) you'll see that my H had an A...I chose to forgive him because I quite simply loved him too much not to. I may never really understand why he did what he did but I have come to understand how he felt at the time. I am not responsible for his having an A but I am partially responsible for the condition of our M at the time he did it. Anyway I enjoyed reading your post and I appreciate the comments. Take care and much happiness to you!
pfroglady

[tielbeagle]

pfroglady, I've read quite a bit of your stuff here and on others threads that you've replied to. Congratulations on your sit. just getting better and better. A rundown of my story is at the "I need Support" BB, on page 2 now entitled "is he coming around". I too hope to be able to consider our sit. getting and better and better. My H is attentive and affectionate a lot of the time lately. There was EA (I think,anyway)but he swears they were (are) just friends and that she would say the same. According to him they don't communicate anymore. I don't like that he was talking to this person about us ( he says she did most of the talking and it was about her screwed up stuff). But I do have to take some of the responsibility for not being there for him when I should have been. I am now!! I compliment him and show appreciation all the time. I took "us" for granted for a long, long time but no more. I still have feelings of insecurity sometimes and my imagination gets away from me when I think of "her". ( I don't know her). I need to shake this thing I guess. I just figure that I'm the one he lives with and comes home too, and sleeps with and everything else. the intimacy never stopped between us, even when he was claiming to not love me anymore. He never moved into a different room either or out of the house. I'm the one who did that! Like I said on my post, I'm trying to be more of a girlfriend to him now. When we first married he continued to refer to me as his girlfriend for quite a while. Not because he didn't respect me being his wife but because he still felt that way. I want that back! I've been DB'ing for 5 months now and it has paid off. He has noticed the changes and the first few months of this "crisis" he told me that he didn't think it would stick and that people don't just change. I told him then that maybe he wasn't counting on me changing because it makes it harder for him to D me. He said not one word to that. I think I hit the nail on the head with that comment. Any insight for me since you seem like a wiser? Take care, Lisa

[healedbutscarred]

Lisa, Just got back this afternoon from our little get away and finally got a chance to sign on and catch up on everyone.
I too have times when my imagination runs away with me..even after a year! I hate it but I am learning to deal with it. I don't mention it to my H. I see no sense in that since there is really nothing he can do to make me not have those thoughts. He has been doing great and I have no reason to suspect he has had any communication with the XOW since July last year. He has this uncany ability to put things away in his mind and never bother with them again (sure wish I had that nack!). I know he hates talking about the A and the XOW and I really don't feel the need to discuss it with him anymore but if I ever do I know he will listen and talk to me if it's what I need. If you've been DB'ing for several months now and you have noticed changes,then you are doing something right so I'd say keep doing what you're doing and things should just keep getting better!! My H said that it took him several months to really start feeling like things were really going to work out. He said that he wasn't sure how far apart we had gotten. I had immediately started making changes in the way I treated him and the way I did certain things (started the night I confronted him about the A and we had a long talk). I am sure he was a bit uncertain that I could keep this up. I was equally uncertain as to whether or not he was going to make changes. But I knew that I could keep them up. Somehow I had changed inside. When I knew for sure that he still loved me and wanted to fix the problems and that he never loved this XOW,I felt a sense of great relief and my heart felt lighter for the first time in a long time. Because I knew we loved each other enough to make it work I was determined to show him that I could and would change and maintain that change. Oh,there are times when I get down and feel sad but he understands. I really don't know what to tell you other than to keep DBing and give it time. It's not easy and there will be times when you feel that the pain is never going to stop and times when you feel like there has been no progress but hang in there,it will get better. You will also have "relapses" but don't beat yourself up over those! You are human!! Take it one day at a time,one step at a time...the prize at the end of the road is worth it....a happy,loving relationship!! I'm here if you need me...my thoughts and prayers are with you!
Pat

[tielbeagle]

pfroglady, your reply to me was so sweet and heartfelt it brought tears to my eyes! Yes, I do believe my DB efforts have paid off and continue to do so. I had to change my act, I was on a collision course and didn't even know it! I would have sworn just 5 minutes before my H's "bomb" that he loved me. How naive. I was really wearing blinders. Never again. Thanks for your encouragement. Lisa