THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER

[healedbutscarred]

HI! I am feeling so great this morning I just had to let everyone know!!!! Last night I planned one of my "infamous" indoor picnics. Since the weather is too nice for a fire in the fireplace,I put candles all over the fireplace,spread out a quilt,iced down some drinks and prepared a picnic. After the meal (and a few drinks !) H was in the mood to talk (and other things which came later !!). I told him all about how I am chatting with all of you and how much it has helped me. We got to discussing what went wrong with us and naturally the XOW came up. Anyway,H was telling me that he was so depressed and unhappy at the time he started the A that he didn't care about anything or anybody and didn't care if he lived or died! So I asked him did he have any feelings for the XOW (knew he didn't love her and had never told her he did but have never been real sure what feelings he did have for her). He told me that he really didn't feel anything for her,she wasn't important -she was just his escape from everything and he used her! Boy,sure do wish she could have heard all this!! I discussed my fears with him and he reassured me on all of them. He told me that I have made him so happy and he feels so alive now. The pressures are still there at work but he says because I am so understanding and I go out of my way to help him relax when he gets home and I make him feel like a "king" when he gets home, that he can handle all the stress better now. It felt good to hear that I am appreciated. He never used to ever tell me things like that so I stopped doing things. We had a long,enlightening and informative conversation. We talked about feelings which is hard for my H but he really opened up last night! He also said several things that I tought were enlightening. One thing was that men have this uncanny knack for separating "sex" and "love". He said that man can love a woman very much but still hurt her. He said having the A didn't mean that he loved me any less. He said that even though it wasn't just about sex with the XOW it definately wasn't love or even caring about her. He said that most men,if they "fall in love" with the OW will walk away from his wife and go to the OW. He said that the expression "Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus" is very true. Men and women think so differently about so many things. A woman always seems to connect "love and sex" and a man doesn't. Would like some of your thoughts on this (men and women). I told him that I think I haven't had "closure" with the XOW. I think I have had "closure" with the A and him but not her. He asked what it would take for me to achieve that "closure". I think that the trips we make to where he met her have helped as strange as that sounds. I have replaced all my "bad memories" of that place with lots of REALLY HAPPY ones! I still have this feeling that I need to either confront her or call or write her. He says to do what I have to do in order to make things right with me. I am going to think long and hard before I do anything. It has been so long now that I'm not sure I should contact her. I am afraid that if I do she will see that as a reason to get back in touch with my H and I sure don't want that to happen!! What do you think? He says now if she does get in touch with him that he will either delete the email or throw away any correspondence unopened. She didn't send him a birthday card which was a good sign. I just don't want her trying to worm her way back into our lives!! H told me that when he wrote and told her that they could not be friends and that ALL communications had to stop because he was hurting me and hurting our chances to fix things,she sent him an email that said GOOD BYE but he deleted it without opening it. At first I doubted this (I was still trying to learn to trust again and it was hard)but I had a way to find out for sure (even he doesn't know about). And he did delete it unopened. Well,after the long talk we had a really really amazing time and this morning I feel like another weight has been lifted from my heart and will probably have a smile on my face for the rest of the day!! Sorry this was so long but I just had to tell all my friends that things are really and truly getting better and better!!

[shell]

Hi Pfroglady, I'm so happy things are working out for you and your husband.I wouldn't try contacting the ow it's not good for you in the healing process let that go. I know your husband said to do what you got to do, but I think she knows that your husband wants you and she was just a toy he used when he thought the other toy was broken:) My husband and I have been back together for 8 months after his 4 month affair. He has told me he is truely sorry for everything and wants me to put it behind us. Iam I have forgiven him although I will never forget it. But the problem with us now is that I'm on egg shells and so is he. He is in Japan now for work just a week he will be home on Wed. He calls me everyday and we talk and say we love eachother but I feel as though he is not trusting me, he asked me what have you've been doing I tell him the truth I have three kids I'm doing the normal mother routine. We just got done talking and he was really kind of cold on the phone. I know he has not talked to her since July. Because I still ask him questions, and he says believe me you would know your a great PI. But he is in Japan and he could easly talk to her. Because the way it ended was I made him call her in front of me and he told her that he has some bad news for her that he is with his wife right know and I am making him call her in front of me. Told her that he hasn't given us a chance and he owes that to me and the kids.Needless to say she was at the ended of our street three days later and said she loves him, I really don't know what he said to her. He told me he told her it was over and she needs to go back to her husband and work things out.Don't know if that was all that was said he told me that he saw her so I guess I have to believe that. I talked to her husband that day and he said she is upset because he promised her so many things.I asked my husband what he promised her and he said I never promised her a damn thing.See my husband makes great money and we live in a beautiful house that she has seen when I was up north with the kids,when the affair was going on,she also seen how much he made.She don't live in a nice house and she always complained at work that her husband didn't make nothing. They worked at the same shop,my husband and her. Needless to say when this affair was going on she got fired, because my fatherinlaw owns the shop. My husband paid for her insurance for a month until her husband insurance went int affect. He told me he did that because if anyting would of happened to her or her kids or her husband he would feel guilty. My question to him was didn't you feel guilty messing around with there mother. I feel he could of cared aless about me and the kids. We were also going through a divorce. We both filed in the beginning of June. He came back to me the second week of July.So much more but I have already bored you with enough. Thanks for reading. God Bless any advice??????????

[healedbutscarred]

Shell, Thanks for the input. I will have to admit that I am definately leaning toward NOT contacting the XOW. Several times in the last year I actually wrote her letters but never mailed them. I emailed her when I first found out about the A but she deleted it without opening it. I did call her when I discovered that she and my H were still emailing after the A ended but she wouldn't talk to me. I called and left a message on her answering machine. It has been a year and a month since the A ended and 10 months since they last communticated. Oh,I know I could say things to her that might hurt her and I could tell her what I feel about her but really what would be the point? I question if it would even make me feel better. My H also called the XOW and broke off the A with me on the extension. Luckily she handled it pretty well and didn't beg or lose control. I could tell she was crying but she had her suspensions that something was up because he hadn't had any contact with her for several days and on that Monday when she had called him at work he saw by the caller ID that it was her so he didn't answer and when she emailed him she asked him why he hadn't responded to her email. I am fortunate in that my H and I never separated and also I am fortunate that the XOW lives in another state. You mentioned that when you talked to your H he acted like he wasn't trusting you. What did you mean by that? You say you aren't really sure that he hasn't talked with the OW. Trust is a very hard thing to get back once it has been betrayed. My H and I talked about that last night again. He says he understands that it was hard for me to trust him and he is doing all he can to show me I can trust him. But the bottom line is I have to decide when I can trust - he can't do that for me. My heart is telling me that I can. I told him that I may have forgiven him but I will never forget. It happened - we can't change that fact - so what we have to do is try to put it behind us and continue to move forward. The pain was so horrible for so long but it does dull with time. I told him that eventually it will just be a distant unhappy memory but because it caused such pain there is no way I will ever forget it happened. Besides if you could forget it completely it would be like it never happened and things might get back to the point where it could happen again. Does that make sense? I hope that in time you will be able to completely trust you H. It is harder for you because the XOW did work with him and is still where you are. Just remember that your H has chosen to come back to you and that shows that he does love you. You have forgiven him which should show him that your love for him is strong. Stay strong,keep the lines of communication open (if he is willing to talk about the A do so)and I also feel that it shouldn't be "thrown in his face" everytime you have a disagreement about the A or any other problem. A person can take just so much beiong hit over the head with something before they just can't take anymore. Talking about what happened is one thing but constantly throwing it up at your spouse will only cause more problems. Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Let me know how things are going. Pfroglady

[matilda]

Hi, Pfroglady.

It's good to see you have your own thread. This is a great place to be, isn't it.

You know how happy I am for you re your evening last night. I can "feel" that smile all the way across country!! Good for you. Good for you H to be open and honest with his feelings. I know how hard it is for our H's. They're very much alike.

This is for you, too, Shell, but Pfroglady, as far as "closure" with the OW, you're the only one who can figure out what's best for you and what you need. Most people here will tell you to just forget about her -- she's out of the picture and not worth your time or trouble. Well, you've read my story re my confrontation with OW. It was what "I" needed to do. She "went after" my H. He would never haver pursued her. That does not in anyway excuse him or let him off the hook in the least, but I felt I needed a face-to-face with the B to make "myself" feel better. And, quite honestly, I felt GREAT about that confrontation. Still feel like I kicked ass. I told our MC all about it last week. You should've seen his face!! His reply, "You DID?" I think there as a certain amount of admiration there also.

I was never afraid of her trying to get back into my H's/our life. She can do whatever she wants. H is done with her. He has been done now for along time. That is one thing I am absolutely positive of. He now sees her as a temptation from Satan to test his faith, and he failed miserably. He has come to hate her because of all we've learned about her. Even when he told me about the A originally he told me that even if I threw him out then and there, he would never go back "there" again. The very thought of her makes him ill. So, I really didn't care what she tried to do. Now, as before, it is really up to him to make sure she stays out of our life. And, besides, I made it very clear to her that H has told me EVERYTHING, and that if she ever tries to contact him again, H will immediately tell me. I really don't think she wants to take that chance .

As far as the sex w/o love and having sex with someone else didn't mean he loved me any less thing, my H and I and MC have been all through that. I just can't accept that. I told my H there are plenty of men out there who would never cheat no matter what. It's called integrity and honor. I am really disappointed that he turned out to be the kind of man who uses women for his own sexual gratification, who hurt so many people because of his selfishness. And, yes, even though I have no empathy for the XOW and believes she deserves everything she got (or didn't get) in this whole thing, it really disappoints me to know my H is the kind of man who would take treat another person the way he treated her. I'm not sure I'm making myself clear here, but it's the best I can do right now.

You're a great inspiration to me, Pfroglady, in the art of forgiveness. Our MC said it's a process, a little at a time. I'm still going through that process, but am making progress.

Your H is a very lucky man. I'm so happy for you that he realized that before making matters worse.

Love,

Matilda

[healedbutscarred]

THANKS MATILDA!! Saturday night was one of the best talks my H and I have had. He really opened up more than he ever had. I too told him some things that I hadn't before. I told him that not only did he rip my heart to shreds by cheating but he "let me down,disappointed me and showed me he wasn't the man I had thought he was"! The look on his face was one of pain and kind of a shock Don't think he'd ever thought of that before. Anyway,I told him that this talk really helped me a lot and that I really felt good that he opened up like he did. I kind of feel like we won't have to have another one of those talks again! I will keep coming here though and keeping up with all my friends and keeping them up to date. This is so great and so helpful. I thought a lot about the XOW yesterday and have decided that she isn't worth my time! Contacting her at this point in time won't accomplish anything. I doubt she'd even read a letter or email from me anyway (she'd probably forward them to my H trying to cause trouble -never realizing that I would have already told him what I was doing and even showed him what I had written). It helps to call her names and think evil thoughts about her! I even have these little thoughts in my head about ways to confront her and what to say to her. Matilda,I know that if my situation had been the same as yours then I would have done exactly what you did! If she had kept after my H once he broke things off then I would not have hesitated to "let her have it"!! When I found out they were still communicating some I did call her at work but was told she was not in,called her house and left a nice message on her machine and then called her cell phone but she told me that we had nothing to talk about and hung up. I then emailed her and she forwarded it to my H and claims she never read it -just opened it and forwarded it. Then when my H wrote and told her that there was no way they could be "friends" and that it was completely over she sent him a last "good bye" and we haven't heard from her since. But I think she know that if she ever tries to get back into my H's life she will have to "deal with me" and I won't be as nice as I was the last time !! If and when we ever go back to the place where he met her and we see her I'm not sure how I will react. It has been so long now that maybe I won't even feel the need to say anything or do anything. Who knows. But I do know that if we do see her and she comes up to us she'd better be VERY CAREFUL!! I am usually quiet and easy going and it takes a lot to really make me angry but when I do get angry WATCH OUT!! But for now I am just going to consentrate on me,my H and our relationship and try to finally put her face out of my head. I was a bad girl and I did keep the picture of her that she sent my H (didn't tell him -he thinks I shredded all the pictures ). I think now I will bring it out of it's hiding place and do something naughty to dispose of it - any suggestions? Maybe that is what I need for closure instead of confronting her. Take care and keep up the good work,Matilda!! You are an awesome lady!! pfroglady

[matilda]

Pfroglady,

About that picture of the XOW, how about having it blown up and then going to the park and picking up dog poop with it

I know things will "just keep getting better" for you two. I do hope you'll continue to drop by and lend your ear to those of us who are still in the process of piecing it back together.

Please read my thread about my conversation with H last night. I wish I could make my H feel like a king when he comes home. I've tried -- even through all my pain, I've tried, but apparently he sees me as a daily reminder of who he "really" is. Not my fault, he says. It's all him. I don't know. I just don't know.

Matilda

[matilda]

Hi, Pfroglady.

I hope you're still out there somewhere. You haven't visited me on my thread in a while. I sure miss your input.

Hope everything is going well.

Matilda

[healedbutscarred]

Well,H has been out of town for 3 days and almost 3 nights now and I am actually doing a lot better than I thought I'd be doing at this point! He called me the first night when he got to the first leg of the trip to let me know he was there safe and to see how I was doing after my visit to the doctor. I think he was very surprised that I didn't bring up my insecurities before he left but he wouldn't bring it up either. Then when he called he asked if I was ok and I told him other than missing him like crazy I was fine. We had a nice long talk. Then he called me last night when he got to the place where they'll be staying until Sunday (in B**CH country !!). He told me that they'd be going out to dinner when everyone got showered and ready. I was determined not to ask where and then he volunteered the info that they were either staying there and eating at the casino or staying in the town. He said that if any of the guys wanted to go all the way into Biloxi they could but he wasn't going anywhere. He said everything we need is right here close. Bless his heart I know he was trying to reassure me without actually "getting into" it. One thing that has helped my brain from going places I don't want it to go is the medication the doctor put me on for my sore shoulder and arm. Those pain pills and muscle relaxers sure do relax you - I sleep like a baby!! During the day I stay busy and when I take the pills at night I start watching tv or reading and the next thing I know I am out like a light. Sure helps me make it through the night!! Anyway,here's hoping I can keep it up tonight and the next 2!! He'll be home Sunday evening. My sons,their wives and my grand daughter are coming out tomorrow night and we are going to go out to eat and then play games. They will be spending the night which will be a big help too!! Wish me luck getting through the rest of the week!! I packed H notes,cards and letters. He has one to read every morning when he gets up and every night before bed. He calls and reads the one at night while on the phone with me. Tonight he is going to be in for a "shock".....I put a very very naughty fantasy in the note!! Can't wait to see how he deals with that one !! Got to go...thanks for listening and thanks for all the support!! Lonely this Week, Pfroglady

[montana_kl]

Well as much as you have encouraged me here lately I wanted to say you are doing great this week, and with the company coming over tomorrow night Sunday will be here before you know it. Keep your head high as you have done thus far, and everything will be fine. You're a great inspiration.

Montana

BTW....Your Hubby is being a good boy, rest assured.

[matilda]

Dear Pfroglady,

I knew you'd be doing okay. You're a very strong lady and your man knows it. Montana is right, he's being a good boy. That's because he loves you and realizes how close he came to blowing it. He's probably just a lonely without you as you are without him. I'll bet you're planning a very nice time for Mr. Hubby when he returns Sunday night, knowing you . Thinking about acting out that naughty fantasy you wrote about? You H probably can't wait until Sunday

I do expect you to tell all on Monday

Matilda