OK, pk. I’m gonna back up a post, and let you know what I think.

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If I continue to DB & act "as if" but I really can never feel right about this - then am I being true to myself? What if he get the opinion that it's just fine and them all the sudden there are SEVERAL FF on the scene - not just this one? He says he needs me to trust him & not be insecure. I told him that there is a big difference between insecurity & thing I do not think are appropriate.
What if there are SEVERAL FF who emerge? He’s not going to accumulate a harem. They’d be friends. Would there be more danger of an A if he hung out with a gang of people – even if they happen to be female?

You hafta take the leap and trust your H, pk. He says that’s what he needs, and that’s what you hafta give him. He needs several friendships. The most important thing for your R is for you to be the most important friend he has – regardless of gender. I firmly believe that you cannot truly love someone who is not your trusted friend. You cannot love someone who you do not respect.

In order for him to trust and respect you, you have to trust and respect him. I know you’ll say that his inappropriate behavior does not show respect for you, but you have to bear in mind that he does not see it that way, and therefore, he will not change his behavior. Since you cannot change him, it is you that must change. I know this sucks, but unfortunately, it’s the way things are.

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She told him he had to choose between us but then when he did choose me she did not back off or go away, she is still hanging on.
This is not a bad thing. This is a good thing. Her thinking and behavior (which is also out of your control) means nothing! Your H chose you. Remember that.

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I am trying to take Andy's advice and not bring it up but rather work on US and being a good friend to H. Give him lots of things to talk to FF friend about that we are doing together.
Actually, my advice is that it’s OK to bring up FF. It’s the context of the conversation that I’d be concerned about. You could ask how she’s doing – not to snoop – but out of concern for one of his friends. Don’t bring up his relationship with her. That’s a minefield. But, you know that she’s having problems and that she discusses them with your H. Show empathy for her. Wouldn’t that be a 180!

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BUT - letting my H see that I am unhappy about this may just give him the ammunition to continue this friendship with her & I don't want that.
Absolutely right! If you want an intimate relationship with him, you cannot appear – in any way – controlling. This is especially true when it comes to his individual things such as friendships. He chooses his friends. He will not ask your permission to hang out with this person or that person. He will continue his friendship with her, and if you try to interfere, it won’t necessarily draw them closer together, but it will put a wedge between you and him.

It’s all relative. You’ve gotta be his best friend.

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So I still am trying to figure out how to DB thru this but still be true to myself and what I believe is appropriate or not.
You be true to yourself by changing your perception – not yourself. You don’t have to twist yourself in knots to please him. You just have to accept him, show him respect, and realize that his perception of what’s “appropriate” doesn’t necessarily jive with yours, mine, Lily’s, or anyone elses.

Having said that, I have to admit that this is – after 1 � years of DBing – still a problem for me. Takes a lot of work. Lot of effort.

As to the whole rose thing…

Try not to be provocative – in the sense of provoking confrontation about how he behaves with “furball.” The other kind of “provocative” is great, though [Wink]

TTFN,
Andy

Andy