I don’t think that the value of what I have to say is because I’m a guy, but rather because of the similarity of our sit’s. Here’s a link to my latest thread:
It has links to my other threads. Waaaaay too much reading, but if you read the initial posts on each one, you’ll get the idea of what I’ve been through.
My W detached from me and became close with a MF. Though a lot of DBers thought otherwise, there was never any EA. I was lucky enough that both W and MF have the strength of character not to let things go that far, but I had to act in a way so as not to let it happen.
Though the lack of EA made things easier for me, I still think that the advice I give you has merit for your sitch.
Firstly, please change your mindset. You saw how upset your H got when you implied that she is a potential OW. He’s open with you about what they talk about. You don’t want to lose that, and even more important – like you said, Crisis + rescue = affair. You don’t want to draw a line in the sand with them on one side, and yourself on the other.
She’s not an OW. She’s only a FF.
That’s what your H says. You hafta believe it. Fake it ‘til you make it, but work towards making this your reality. It’s crucial.
Secondly, realize that you cannot change his behavior, and that trying to do so will only drive a wedge between you. He will not stop contact with her, and he will resent any attempt by you to interfere with his friendship.
As to her not believing that your changes will last, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that your H believes it. Even his beliefs are not as important as it seems since it’s normal for the spouse to disbelieve the changes. It takes time. The longer you persist, the more irrefutable the evidence is that they are permanent.
Be careful about game-playing. You removed your ring. Why? If you didn’t feel right wearing it, then you had a good reason. But, you removed it to make a point. It worked this time, and I can’t argue with success, but don’t make a habit of game-playing. Sometimes, game-playing is necessary. I’ve played the games myself, but the more you do it, the harder it is to get out of it.
It’s nice that he put his ring back on for you. Your H is capable of thoughtfulness. Nice.
quote:Originally posted by purplekat: I still feel fearful that I will not be able to do this permanently. I know that she will keep needling at him & trying to pull him away from me every chance she gets. She is not a true friend - just a needy, clingly, manipulative little girl.
You can do this permanently. You must convince yourself of that in order to convince your H. You’ll read a lot of posts in which people talk about how they pushed their SO away by being needy, clingy, and manipulative. The fact that his FF acts this way will work in your favour.
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