Andy -

It's REALLY GOOD to hear from a guy. I have a female friend that basically said I was crazy to stay with him if he continued to have contact with the OW at all.

My H has never had many female friends and I believe that if it was always just a friendship (with no SPARK) that I would be able to deal with this MUCH better. I am fearful that he is keeping her in the wings just waiting for me to screw up. I told H this ( I know, I know bad DBing) and he flat out said "NO I AM NOT". He was upset that I felt that way.

He is very open with me about what they talk about and the bad R she is in - I wonder if she knows he tells me everything BUT in the other direction, I feel uncomfortable thinking that he may be doing the same with her - I mean telling her issues he has with us.

She is 11 years younger than H and of course youth is attractive AND Crisis + rescue = affair

H tells me that she continually tells H that my changes will not last - that urks me to no end because I know she still wants him GGGGGRRRRRR.

But even the marriagebuilders site says that the spouse who had the A should stop contact with the OP - even if it means moving to another state to accomplish this so that trust can be rebuilt in the M.

Do you know any good books on trust & forgiveness?? I am also considering a phone consultation when I can get the $$$

One thing that I saw as a big step ---- even though H decided to no move out & work on M he never put his wedding ring back on. I asked him last week if he thought he ever would. He misunderstood me & thought I was asking him to put it on & got upset. I explain that I just wanted to know if the ring held to many bad memories for him to wear again. He said that it's not the ring that makes the M but the trust between the people in the M. I agreed & dropped it though I really feel that the wedding ring is an outward expression that you are not afraid of others knowing you are married (I know it may be a little weird but I do). Well, Monday I took my ring off & put it in my pruse. Didn't do it in front of him or anything - he didn't notice till last night at dinner. He really wanted to know why & asked if I threw it away. I told him that I understood his explaination and that i felt that if he was not going to wear his ring that I waas not going to wear mine. I wasn't mean, spiteful or anything. Then I continued with dinner, etc & didn't bring it up again.

This morning he did not have his ring on BUT it was not on the dresser either. This morning on the phone he told me he put his ring on. I aked him why & he said "Because it is important to you" I told him he should take it off if it wasn't important to him. He said "It is important to me, just not as important as it is to you" I told him thank you & ILY - which he returned.

I took that as a good thing - I thought he would not put it back on because OW at work. She will see it at lunchtime HA!!!

Well, they will be at lunch together in about 10 minutes - I need to make myself busy to keep my mind off them together at lunch.

I still feel fearful that I will not be able to do this permanently. I know that she will keep needling at him & trying to pull him away from me every chance she gets. She is not a true friend - just a needy, clingly, manipulative little girl. [Razz]