This is my first time posting on this website. My husband left me one year ago after only a three year marriage. We had our share of problems. I worked while he went to college. He inherited my twin teenager sons and had never been married or a parent before. He has A.D.D. which means he escalated our conflicts rather easily and could focus on only one thing, his studies, to the exclusion of all else. He didn't really involve himself in family life, but I accepted this. I have depression and we both thought I should wean off my anti-depressants, but this turned out to be a mistake...I became a real downer. We began to fight and when he left me, I was shocked. We also had a fabulous connection, being we're both writers, he's an actor, I'm a singer. We appreciated each other's whacky sense of humor and we jogged together.
He left with the understanding he needed time to figure things out, but I was so hurt by him leaving, I became extremely angry. I was left with all the finances, had to re-finance the mortgage and still had $30,000 debt. While married, I paid all mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. I filed for divorce out of deep hurt and conviction this man did not value me at all.
He has tried to contact me to talk but I've been very angry with him. The one counsellor we went to was a dud, he told us his only regret was he didn't leave his marriage sooner
Recently, almost one year after our separation, he's attempted to talk with me again. I was finally able to tell him my anger was a cover for the very deep hurt I felt for him leaving. He told me he still thinks we could reconciliate, and why enter a new relationship when we are such a good match. He apologized for not being involved in family more and for getting so angry during our conflicts. I felt really hopeful. But when I asked him about counselling, he said he's not interested in this, because he feels he's changed.
Then I asked what our next steps are, toward reconciliation. He was suddenly aloof, stating he "doesn't mind" going for coffee or a movie now and then, but that we should take things slow, no pressure, chill, etc. That we don't want to go back to things the way they were.
I was left feeling very hurt at this "no plan" reaction of his. And I therefore, am allowing our divorce to go through in a month. I feel so re-hurt that he wouldn't match his nice words with A-C-T-I-O-N.
Should I play it his way? Or am I just being a useless hanger-onner? I think he's commitment phobic and a conflict avoider and both those things make reunion impossible, in my view.
I posted my conundrum on Royce's Relationship Resource and had a couple men tell me I was an "incredibly foolish" woman for not accepting my husband's offer which I thought was rather insensitive, considering I love my husband tremendously, I didn't leave him, he left me. They made it sound like the "walk away spouse" is the one who is in the right and had good reason to leave, which I think is insane. My husband is not used to balancing family and career and when the going got tough, he left. But I would take him back if he was willing to PRIORIZE our relationship. But instead he puts his acting career first and has barely any energy left for me.
Should I just walk away, or should I play it his way, and casually 'date' him for god knows how long?
