I have to say one thing about “the voices.” I wasn’t exaggerating when I questioned whether or not I’m in some way handicapped. When we were kids, who ever heard of ADD? Anyway, rest assured that I’m not making excuses, and I’m doing all I can to quell the voices. BTW, it’s not just a man thing. My daughter is like that too (heredity?)
Fille,
Yes, I am a perfectionist. My first 180 was to stop this – especially wrt communications. I used to interrupt W all the time to insert the “perfect” word or phrase to finish off her idea. But, I did stop doing this. If there’s one thing that I’ve been very conscious of, it’s not to speak until she’s finished. We used to think it was “cute” that we could finish each other’s sentence. We all know that there comes a time that this becomes irritating instead of cute.
I agree with you that we have to learn each other’s language. In my case, it goes beyond mars/venus. Her mother tongue is French, while mine is English. When we met, she had high school level English while I had high school level French. Perhaps it was out of necessity that we started correcting each other. Anyway, in addition to our gender differences, our communications styles are a result of language differences and cultural differences.
quote:Originally posted by Fille: So last point you were hitting was close but I think you may be digging too deep. How can she feel as though you are listening to her? What can you do to convey that to her? What would she then do to show that she sees you doing it?
Yes. I think my last point is the biggy. I guess the real issue isn’t whether or not I hear the words, or even understand her POV. The issue is that she feels that she’s had to accede to my wishes for our entire marriage. She doesn’t want to “take turns” though. In other words, it’s not her turn to have her way all the time. One of my initial 180s was to give in to her all the time. I’m still doing that to a degree, and will continue to do it until she stops viewing me as a road block to her desires. I’ve started to voice my objections, but back off rather quickly. She still wants to win me over to her POV, and senses that though I relent, she hasn’t convinced me. In some cases, she’s right, in some cases, she’s wrong.
Guess it’s just a matter of time ‘til she sees that I’m not a doormat or a roadblock.
I disagree with you, though, wrt the importance of fatigue. Sleep is an important part of that, but it’s really fatigue that I’m talking about. I’ve mentioned before that we have 4 kids and our youngest is autistic. This is stressful beyond imagination. Try to imagine waking to screaming fits at 5:30AM seven days a week. Then, after starting your morning like that, packing him off to school knowing that upon his return, he’s quite likely to continue in that vein until 8:30PM.
That’s the worst case scenario, of course, but it happens, and it’s exhausting. W and I have both burned out at some point, and the accumulation of all of this plus the “normal” day-to-day stuff is immense.
Perhaps this is why I’ve never ascribed “alien” behavior to my W. I can not and will not blame her for wanting to jump into the escape pod.
Zebra,
My W watches Oprah a lot. I don’t know if she has been in the last little while, but I don’t think she’s ready to do anything as intense as the exercise you mentioned.
Esperanza,
I have to disagree with you on something. I don’t believe that true intimacy is about sharing everything. There are things that my W told me over a year ago from which I still bear the scars. I think true intimacy is knowing what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. It also entails a mutual trust that what is left unsaid does not damage the R.
Lily,
Thanks for the tips. My W has, in the past, been tested for thyroid. Is it time for a re-test? Perhaps, but you and I have already had that discussion. I cannot bring it up. That’s one of those “private” things for her. However, yesterday, we did discuss vitamins, calcium, etc as sleep aids.
We’re both trying the humour thing. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it hits a nerve, but we’re both regaining the ability to laugh – even at ourselves.
