The thing about thinking about what she's saying as she's saying it is, to me, a problem in that I try to anticipate too much. I try to anticipate what she's going to say next, to anticipate which pattern of behavior this comment will predicate, or to anticipate how she'd going to attack me. I focus on what I think and not what she's saying. So much for listening.
In a recent therapy session, I finally conceeded that this time I was not going to talk about what I thought, only about what I knew for a fact. The C said "good. That's a good start, because then you are dealing with the facts at hand, and not the worries and concerns you manufacture in your mind." Wow. That hit me. I was just being flip with my comment, not knowing that I'd hit on something big. Facts on their own, not what they are after my mind processes them.
On Oprah 2 weeks ago (don't imagine you see it over there, but you can buy and download the transcripts), Dr. Phil did a show on communication. A comment the really hit for me was when Phil had a woman stand up, face her husband, and tell him from deep down what she needed without criticism, with out negatives, just needs. He implored the man to just look her in the eye and listen. Listen. Don't look around, don't be thinking about the hidden meanings he thinks she has, don't be thinking about what he's going to say back to her. Just listen. Hear her, and hear and feel her pain. I still can't do it that well myself, but I understand the direction and see its wisdom. And, I taped the show and got W to watch it with me. I felt some progress there.
