Lily, I agree that we have to stop trying to read each other’s minds. The kicker is that we don’t seem to talk enough. We hide things from each other. This leaves the other trying to mind-read in order not to get blind-sided when the issue eventually comes to the surface. And I agree with Matilda 100% that we have to make ourselves crystal clear. But, like Fille said, it’s a goal, and cannot be accomplished overnight.
So, how slowlee is slowlee? A month? Two months? Six months? A year? I don’t have the answer to that question except to say that it’s more than 16 months for me (and counting). Yeah, Fille. I know. There’s no magic formula. Just gotta keep trying eh? Slowlee.
Hey. That sounds kinda familiar…
We can even grow beyond these things. I just need you to know that I'm trying. Please share with me, but try not to attack or judge me for these wounds I carry. And I will try my best to do the same for you. Then holiness will be served here, and the relationship can deepen.
Forgive me, if you can, and I vow to try to forgive you.
--From Enchanted Love : The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships, by Marianne Williamson. � February 2001
In a practical vein… Yes, Fille. I do form my thoughts before she’s done talking. I do not, however form an opinion. I suppose my delay in opinion forming is to counteract my propensity for thinking ahead. Call it a handicap. Try as I might, I cannot silence the voices in my head. Believe me, I do try to, but it is a weakness that I simply cannot overcome. I’ve told her that I think while she’s talking, and I have to concentrate on what she (or anyone else) says very hard to keep it above the “head talk.”
I do not start talking the second she finishes. I suppose that this is what she wants. Instead, I digest what she’s said, and if necessary bring it up again later. Sound like I’m too analytical?
Given that W has told me that I “never” listened to her, I feel that I had to pay particular attention to what she said. I had to figure out what she meant. A lot of times, she wouldn’t clarify herself. She was just too frustrated, and didn’t want to get into a pissing contest. This left me to figure it out on my own.
To wit:
Lately, W has been sleeping very poorly. She wakes up often, worrying about “something.” What does she have to worry about? As far as I know…
My attitude,
my job security
do I blame her for my unhappiness
will I try to stop her (particularly via emotional blackmail) from attaining her goals (such as her bike)
So, I ask her what’s wrong. Why can’t she sleep. She doesn’t want to talk about it. This is what I want to get away from.. The adversarial mindset. I want to move towards one where we can discuss things, ask for clarification, and truly understand “what’s in each other’s head.” Compromize. Negotiate. Relate.
All I can think of to do right now is to be available if she wants to talk, and whenever she does talk, to listen and react calmly but honestly.
