I think it applies to most of us on this forum including myself.
I have wondered if we don't run our issues through our heads almost continuously often leaving us with the false impression that we are actually conveying to our spouse the depth of the issues and/or misery with which we are dealing. I ran across a post (which supported that opinion) from a woman (on that same thread) whose husband left and she wrote,
"I noticed that you talked about how long you think things through before making a decision. My H is exactly the same way. Let me give you the other side of that coin, then. Many times, I think that he has abandoned an idea, never realizing that he is still "thinking it through." I think and talk all at once. He saves his words for when his thoughts are clear. Many times, by then, I am way on to another thing. I think that he is, too. For this reason I don't always comprehend the seriousness of what he said. Yeah, he said it, but then he didn't talk about it again. I guess I then pushed it out of my head, thinking that he would continue with it if it were still an issue. I see now that I missed a lot of clues along the way because of this. No one is at fault here for their own styles of communication, however, it IS up to us to figure out how to make them work together.
Also, in thinking so deeply about things, my H sometimes mistakenly thinks that he did discuss it with me. See, he will get an idea in his head, then run through the various conversation possibilities that will come of him telling it to me. He plays all the possible scenarios out in his head so that he can be ready for what will really happen. Unfortunately, by doing so, he sometimes decides what my reaction will be without giving me the opportunity to have it. Or, he thinks about it so much that he gets to the point that he feels he DID have the conversation. "
We often marry young and only start discovering how strongly we feel/think/react to some things long after we've made an oath/committment. I had saved this quote some time ago from a lady who posts on another board.
Too bad we usually don't have our own boundaries so strongly in hand before the relationship is cemented.
Here's the Quote:
" I also include other core agreements that me and my H have made. Basically, I consider anything that would lead to ‘chronic unhappiness’ for either of us a boundary in this marriage. It’s a pretty high standard, but I’ve found that aiming high has been a pretty good strategy.
Here are some of my boundaries:
- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am chronically unhappy and my needs are not to be met. That means I am not going to languish here in this marriage if there is going to be no effort to meet my EN’s after I’ve stated them and communicated them clearly. This marriage is a partnership. That means that if I have a problem concerning the marriage then WE have a problem concerning the marriage. I don’t expect him to accept my proffered solutions; but I absolutely 100% expect him to get on board and help me address any issues that I uncover whether they are bothering him or not. And, that works both ways. Just because it doesn’t bother me doesn’t mean that I don’t dedicate 100% of my resources to fixing whatever he doesn’t like. (This is essentially POJA.)
- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am not permitted to communicate freely about ANY subject or topic. That means that there is no topic that is a LB to bring up. That includes any ‘problems’ or ‘issues’ that I have with the marriage and how I would like to be treated. Obviously, I am willing to negotiate when and how such topics are discussed. But, either we find some way to communicate about difficult or sticky issues or the partnership will break down.
- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am abused in any way. I am not willing to be yelled at, cursed at, called derogatory names, physically manhandled, threatened, intimidated, financially starved, sexually abused, or any other type of abuse. My mental and physical health and well being is put before the needs of this marriage at all times. It is never, even once, OK for my health and well being to be threatened by this marriage. I draw strong boundaries around abusive behavior because I simply have no tolerance for it. Not all the boundaries I draw include leaving. For example, if I’m being yelled at, then I will simply remove myself. Other types of abuse would generate a much stronger reaction.
- I will not remain in a marriage in which retributive or vengeful behavior is used on EITHER side. That means that constructive ways of dealing with problems and issues WILL be used. I am completely uninterested in playing ‘head games’ with my husband. If something is bothering either or us or makes us angry, I expect us to use conventional communication methods to convey that information. Engaging in ‘tit for tat’ type of behavior simply drives me insane. My FOO was really accomplished at this. I put up with it for 20+ years. I am unwilling to bring that nonsense forward into the rest of my life. (This is essentially Radical Honesty and also incorporates eliminating DJ’s.) I refuse to guess what’s wrong with him. Nor, do I ever expect him to figure out what I’m thinking. If it’s relevant, then it’s communicated in direct, respectful, English.
- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am not the primary partner. That means that, while I don’t expect him to compromise his core beliefs and sacrifice himself on my behalf, I come before his mother, his job, his friends, the dog, the cat, the hamster, the fish, the lawn, the housework, etc. When we make marital decisions there are exactly two (2) votes. In laws don’t get a vote. Friends don’t get a vote. The latest Gallup poll does not get a vote. This is not a marriage by committee. I’m not going to compete. Thankfully, affairs have not been a problem in my marriage, but this would also cover that possibility. This also addresses getting the 15+ hours of time together each week. I’ll admit that I’m pretty ‘high maintenance’ and I like a lot of time. The way it works in our relationship is that I get first choice of his time and then everyone else gets to share him after that. It works out pretty well, though. Since I’m confident that I won’t be put second, I can usually afford to be pretty easy to ‘convinced’ to share. (offer me a deal which I can be enthusiastic about).
All these agreements (boundaries, “hills”) do set a very high standard for our marriage. They’ve worked very well for us over the years. I’d say we’re very happy and both seem to rate our martial satisfaction very high."
End Quote.
You know, reading through it again, instead of thinking of it as an individual boundary, it's more of a absolutely-needed *foundation* for marriage. Anything less foundationally leaves us with wildly tilting marital walls, cracks and tumbling down buildings.
