I ran across this post from Michelle on the "I'm Thinking About Leaving" forum. I haven't read the complete thread yet, but the original poster was in a situation we've all been all too familiar with - his wife wasn't getting that the marriage was in trouble.
Here are some excerpts:
"Although I can understand why your wife might have written off your complaints early on because she just believed that your commitment to the marriage would be steadfast and that all marriages have their ups and downs, for the life of me, I can't understand why she still holds that position. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. Your heart has been screaming for validation and for her to care enough about you to look inside herself and undertake personal change for the sake of the relationship. It's terribly unfortunate that she has blamed everything on your depression. I simply do not understand how it is possible that you've been going to therapy with her and she still hasn't gotten it. I really question the therapist's skills. There is no way that your wife could be in denial about her role in the demise of the relationship had she been working with me or one of my DB coaches. Generally, when someone wants to save a marriage, which you claim your wife really does, s/he is willing to do just about anything to turn things around. If you read the posts from the great people here, you can see how willing they are to accept responsibility for things having gone awry. If your therapist(s) haven't helped her to look inside herself, you're wasting your money, you should go someplace else. You see, even if you end up divorcing, she will not have learned anything about herself and that would be a real tragedy. Divorce is a tragedy in and of itself, but it becomes totally senseless when people don't learn from their mistakes."
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For those of us who have been hitting our head repeatedly on the same marital brick wall:
Michelle writes:
"For a long time you've been trying to get your wife to hear you, to understand your unhappiness. For some reason, you haven't been too successful in getting through to her. I feel certain that since you are a gentle soul, you probably could learn a thing or two about being firm about your needs. I know you think you have been firm, but I agree with others who have questioned your actions. You have let your wife get away with blaming you for a long time. You blame her for that, but I think that if you had more skills, she couldn't have stayed so dense for so long. You would be more effective in helping her understand your pain. I know you don't believe that, but I have seen marriages change dramatically when people learn better relationship skills."
