Tbone and Violet I agree with some of both you're points.I haven't been friends with very many women that I didn't end messing around with and I think this is pretty natual since thats how you develope R.She did say that maybe she was talking to him about us and she may have been.He is a fairly good friend of mine and we have talked alot about his X and mine.I have been trying to back off and she did ask me to go to her game and then she stayed over and ate supper when we got back.It's so much more than in the past but not anywhere close to what I need.She did say that some days she thinks she is ready to get back into the R and then other days she feels no way.My goal to give her more of the I do days.
Tbone, I can see your point of view. I wish I had a male relative to talk to but I have no brothers and my father died long ago. When we went to C she was also a woman. C helped keep us together because when we went, I had no intention of staying in M, yet here we are, still M. H's father also died long ago so there is no older male role model on either side of the family. It's probably better for me to come here to the BB when I'm looking for input!
Randy, don't let XW slip back into dreamland. Keep it real!
Violet thanks,she said again last night that when she has more yes days than no days than that would be good.She started a semi OR talk because of some things broughtup earlier and I flat told her that I was the one that was still here and wasn't the one that was treating her like crap.She also said that she forgave me for the mistakes that I made in our M and I told her she didn't or else she could get past them and quit bringing them up.They wern't that big of a deal mostly not wanting to take 2 kids under 3 on vacation and hunting too much.I tried several times to get her to go away together for a couple of days but she is too scared to fly and didn't want to stay that close to home for a short trip.It all ended well and we sat and just talked before I left.I did tell her that I couldn't promise anything about how long I would wait because I didn't know,alot of it depended on whether she asked me to and how much she gave in return to the R.Then today she called and asked me to lunch.later
I wish I could get better at this,you would think that after 2 years I would have it down.XW had the kids over at my house swimming in the pool she just bought and right after I got there she left.It pissed me off so I called her and asked her what the deal was since I had been giving her some space and we almost got into an OR talk but she ended up inviting us to her house for supper and .I told her no thank you the first 2 times she asked and she asked again and I broke and said yes.It seems like she pushes me away so far and then pulls me back.She can't tell me she wants me to wait but she can't tell me to go or break it off.I guess I am waiting for me to be ready to leave.Some days are good and some days suck.You would think that after going on a great vacation and spending so much time together at her request that she would be moving forward faster.I have got to learn to put a smile on my face when she leaves.
Another weekend has gone by and it wasn't to bad.I tried to concentrate on my PMA and avoid OR talks.Xw spent quite abit of time at the house so I hope in the long run it helps.I think they need another section on how to DB after D.Maybe Michelle has special advise for these sit.
I am now in your shoes. I have pushed pretty hard for the last couple of days and to no avail. Time to back off and keep DBing. Your sitch confused me and now my own sitch has taken confusion to a new level. It stinks but the only smart option is to wait them out. I hope your patience is better than mine.
Hey Randy, Thought I'd stop by and check out the territory and to thank you for the coaching over at my place. MUCH appreciated... really!
Frankly, I can't say a thing about your sitch... it is beyond my own frame of reference. IT is confusing and confounding me too, and I am not even living it. Sounds like you are handling things well though for the most part.
Prime directive says... if it's working... keep on doing it , if it's not...stop. Pretty simple. Keep that in mind. Stop by any time! I plan to have some frozen margharitas in the fridge any time now! Phoenix... can't keep enough of them around for her, and the rest of the bunch ... well you know... between that and the munchies in the pantry... it's always a party!
take care... offer up your comments any time. nice to meet ya! tree
Tbone and tree Nice to hear from both of you again.Yes it is really confusing,I am just trying to stay close enough so that I will be there if she comes around.I guess I will know when I am ready to quit in my heart.I have probaly done a better job so far this week of giving her space than about any time in the past.I don't understand what she expects or wants.So all I can do is wait her out and see if she does like we talked about the other day.I told her that if she wanted me to wait she needed to give as much as she could and I would give her the space she wanted.
Another ok weekend,XW spent quite a bit of time at my house,not as much as usual because some friends she knew were in town.I started to backslide into an OR talk but pulled myself out.I went to her apt. for lunch yesterday and then to her game and then she stayed at my house for awhile.I think she is trusting me a little more and feeling more comfortable,I just hope I can wait her out.She says she isn't ready for an intamite relationship so she won't date.I'm not asking to have sex with her right now I just want to spend some one on one time.I told her that all I can do is promise her things until I get a chance to show her.By the way her brother remarried his XW a couple of years after their D,so I am hopeing she remembers it's possible.She must feel pretty safe she moves my furniture and things like that and most of her stuff is still there.
As I was reading through your previous posts to get caught up, something stuck. What you said about the time during your M when you had 2 kids under 3, no vacation time together, and too much hunting. It sounds like you pinpointed the time when you both started feeling alone and some resentment started to build. It's common for that to happen to a couple once the kids come along. (Not that kids are totally awful for the M, or anything, but the R does change.)
Anyway, it got me thinking that maybe that's still what's holding your XW up now. She doesn't see how things will change. But if she's not willing to work on ways to make the changes, you'll both keep spinning your wheels. Can you get her to verbalize the changes she wants and do you know what you want changed in order to have a future together?
Maybe it's time for a phone consultation with a C from DBs - with or w/out XW. The C might be able to give you some new ideas - the suggestions you want to read about in the new chapter you want Michelle to write about DBing after the D. You two are still in limbo and somebody's got to do something different for it to change. It's not like you're asking XW to recommit to you right now for the rest of her life, but to commit to making some agreed upon improvements to the R you have right now. And, you do have a R right now, even if XW doesn't choose to see it.
I just hate seeing you in limbo for so long. You have the patience of a saint, but how long can you go on like this?
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