A couple of nights ago XW started a OR talk of sorts.She said that an intimate relationship isn't what she whats right now and what she was giving is all she could do right at the moment.I told her that I wouldn't give up tomorrow or next week but I couldn't promise that I could wait a couple more years and then she said that she may feel different in a week or it may be a year we would just have to see.I told her that I loved her and I was still here because I made a promise to her and my kids and her a piece of paper wouldn't change that.It did end on a good note
You are great DBer with incredible patience. Way to let her initiate the R talk. You are dedicated to the task so if your patience holds out you will reap the reward. It sounds like she is doing an "as if" routine of her own to help her come back to the R. I think you said the right thing about not waiting forever. That is a fair statement. She sounds so confused and will just have to figure it out in her own time. For your sake I wish she would become enlightened soon. You are doing things darn near perfect. You seem to be bumping right up against the "line" but not crossing it. For what it is worth, her comment about "could be a week, could be a year" means closer to a week than a year. What is she afraid of? I don't think she even knows. Best of luck Randy, you deserve it. Have a great weekend.
Thanks tbone, It was another together all weekend and it went alright.We did our regular stuff friday night and saturday went to eat.Sunday went to XW ballgame and then shopping,I told her it would be cheaper if we just bought groceries for 1 house and she said that I could buy hers then,she knew thats not what I meant.I asked her what was keeping her from coming back and she said she wasn't ready.I told her I was here today and I will be here tomorrow but I couldn't promise that I would be in this situation a year from now.She said I needed to be happy with what I'm getting right now.So the saga continues
So, sounds like you tested the waters a bit and it's lukewarm, but not icy!
Time for you to back off, get mysterious, and don't bring up the future around XW. Get yourself busy enough to keep your mind off the OR stuff. Just enjoy the moment and STOP mentioning the future because XW sees that as you pushing her. What she needs from you is time because she's working on figuring herself out. You cannot do that for her.
XW has given you many good signs. She's come a long way. Give her credit for that and support her efforts to stand on her own two feet. Obviously, she values your R or she wouldn't spend all the time with you that she does.
It sounds like maybe she hasn't resolved her issues about the A. She needs to figure that out and make herself strong again so that she feels like a whole, complete person that has something to offer her partner. I think that might be why she said she doesn't want to be intimate just yet. At least she didn't say never!
Channel your energy into being patient and supportive. This has been a long haul for you so keep hanging in there.
Think of XW as a rose - at first, the petals are tightly closed. Then, the petals open up one by one until the whole flower has bloomed right before your eyes. Then, look out, baby. I think that time will come for you!
Thanks violet, I know I need to take it slow,I think it is harder to do now that I think she is planning on working on things.I can't figure why else she would be doing all the stuff she is doing.I know I can't do this forever but I will do it for as long as I can.Sometimes I just need to be realined thanks for doing that.How are you?
Well, I'm just taking it one day at a time, too. Somedays I get frustrated and still want out of this M, then there are good days when we're more connected and I'm happy.
Glad to hear there are some good days at least,you deserve everyone you can get.I screwed up last night and got into an OR talk.She said I was pushing her and she wasn't ready for the kind of R that I wanted.I want her to be ready before she comes back because I know this is the only way it will work.But then she goes over to this guys house and stays really late and I called her but I didn't let her know that I knew.Things get back to me before she ever leaves in a town this small.She started to lie to me and just say she was at home but then she was like maybe I was talking to him about you,he is a mutual friend.Even after our middle of the night talk she seemed fine this morning when I dropped the kids off.I told her again that I will not share her and either she will have to decide to work on OR or act like we are D.She had done so many things in the recent past such as the pool and vacation that I don't think are normal for XWs that aren't at least thinking about coming back.She said she putthe pool in for the kids but then when I told her that if she wasn't thinking about working on us that there wasn't any use in me waiting around she said that if she wasn't working on it she wouldn't have put the pool in.She lets me get just far enough away that I could take that final step and then she pulls me back into the whirlpool.
My W also has "friends" that she talks to and says that it helps OR not hurts it (sound similar). She also says if she wasn't trying she would have left (sound familiar). You have pushed it pretty far with no negative results so that is great. I don't have a clue what else you could possibly do to help your R. I posted the idea of pushing things a little about a week ago as a 180 from the conservative approach you were taking. It sounds like you tried it and at least you know better where you stand and didn't move backwards. That has got to reduce the anxiety a little bit. We are living in parallel worlds right now as far as our W stalling at taking that next step. If I come up with any ideas I will post again.
Randy, My female viewpoint is that it CAN be a positive when a woman talks to a male (as a friend) about her R. When I do this, I'm trying to gain an understanding of "men" and my sit. from a man other than H.
Recently, I went out with some GFs to a yacht club party. My H was NOT happy about this, he never is. He says men don't want to be my friend. Anyway, it was an interesting evening and at the end of it, I was happy to go home and climb into bed with H. One guy talked to me for quite awhile and told me he was jealous of my H. That made me feel good about my M.
Another guy told me how much he loves his kids, not his W, and that he really wanted to have S-- with another woman. I told him maybe his W feels just as trapped as he does and maybe he should talk to her or do something different to make things better with her if he values his family.
Another one talked about how he hasn't had S-- with his W for 13 years (she was sexually abused.) They need professional help but it doesn't sound like they're willing to admit it.
Hmm, maybe my sit. isn't so bad and my M has more going for it than I give credit. We're soon going away for a long weekend that H planned (no kids!)
So, you know what to do. Back off and retreat and you know XW will step forward. How would she react if you went out and talked to a female friend until the middle of the night? The thing is, she knows she's still got you hooked because you're honest with her and tell her how you feel and that you'll wait, for now. So, stop telling her that. It's a fine line you'll be walking but if you retreat, I'll bet she'll charge forward.
You just confirmed what I was thinking. Yes, it may help to hear another man's point of view but it most likely will be skewed to aid his own agenda. A man can smell a vulnerable woman from a mile away and I agree that very, very few men are "looking" for a platonic relationship. They may accept that if it is all they can get and puts them in a position to advance but that is not what they are pursueing. My personal point of view is that all us H can hope for is that these "friends" are too aggressive and scare our W off. If a woman wants an accurate male point of view either talk to a male C or male relative otherwise I would truly question the info you are receiving. That is my "big" problem with talking to opposite sex "friends" about relationships. I understand that I made a pretty sweeping statement here and I would expect some for and against responses.
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