Need Help Staying on my Feet, pt. 3

[Still_Standing]

I know you can detect when I get frustrated but I will spare you the necessity of reading through a long post and go ahead and tell you I am getting perturbed.

I can! Thank you for caring enough to continue to post. I know that a lot of my problem personally and as a result, maritally are because I don't see myself or my actions very clearly way too often.

If I were to ask you what screwed up your marriage I would guess that your answer would be "the affair".

The affair is NOT what screwed up your marriage.
It began long before that and the only part you have any control over is that part that you contributed.

Yes, that would be true. I would have said that before. But, in the past 5 months I have begun taking a hard look at myself and my actions that contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. THAT did not happen overnight. I never worked to separate from my W to GAL during our M to nurture myself and allow her the opportunity to want to be with me. I truly believe that is the largest error I made because my needs were not being met b/c I was smothering her and she was running from me to "relax." I have only recently owned THAT.

THAT is why this is about you and changing yourself.

I didn't SEE it until you hit me over the head with THIS sledgehammer of a post. Sometimes I truly cannot see the forest for the trees.

You CAN pray that AS YOU ARE CHANGING your wife's heart will be turned back to you and your family will be restored but you can not pray that God will just magically change your wife's will. Our wills are largely formed by the things we like, dislike, want and need. I'm sorry but right now your wife doesn't like you a whole lot. Notice "want" is BEFORE "need"....because we often have to get burned by the fires from many of the things we "want" just to learn about what we REALLY "need"...

Again praying for outcomes. It is so frustrating that others can see my follies so clearly and I am the one making the darn mistakes and can't see what I am doing in time to STOP. I don't know if that is common to others, but it sure as heck is a problem of mine.

Do you even realize that you really do have some issues?

I thought I did realize the extent of my issues. WRONG! Then I read your post and it has looped in my head like a runaway freight train carrying all the noisy, annoying, troubling issues I have dragged around for a lifetime. I truly thought I had dealt with more of my issues, but today I have backslid a lot and have had kind people who care about me kindly rub my nose in my "stuff."

I am not being mean to you but every one of us that's here, has issues and are either in the very early process of discovering what they are or we are in the process of working through them.

So, I am really one of many and have just realized I am in the club?

So far, your entire goal is just to get your wife back.

Yes.

Well, what the hell are you gonna do with her when she gets there?!!

I know, short-sighted and lacking a plan is no way to go through life. Thank you for pointing my foibles out to me.

You haven't changed. Sure you have hurt, but that's not the same.

I thought I already had. Does that count for anything? W/O humor now, I truly see my misdirected efforts to DB. I have neglected to focus on the one person whom I have complete control over. ME! I have instead chosen to focus on my W's (in my opinion, of course) areas of needed personal work. The other area I have chosen to focus on is our M. Can I say DUMMY? I didn't even recognize how far off base I was from where my true target needs to be.

SHE sure doesn't seem to have changed much at all for the better.
YOU can't change her.

I get it! Finally. Focus on changing me. Going forward I will focus on me and my journey. THAT I will do.

YOU MUST WALK through your own crap and clean it up. You can't just ask God to let you track it back through the house!

No, I cannot track it back through the house. I will walk through my crap. Dirty and stinky as it all is.
Your wife has to do the same.

You CAN NOT assist her on her journey and keep pushing yours to the back burner.

I am finally clear on that point.

Hasn't God gotten your attention yet?
He shaking the hell out of your cage and all He's getting in return is a prayer that He will change HER?!

He got my attention today, throught his angel messenger AmyC. Thank you. As I stated, my focus is now firly planted on me.

Man, let Him change YOU.

I will pray for the changes to be the man that God always intened for me to be. I will listen for His word and look for His signs.

What if you are the one that He planned to reach HER THROUGH???????

NOW that question knocked me to my knees. I had NEVER even considered THAT possibility! Me?!?!? Being an instrument of God?!?!? WOW! THAT. WILL. PREACH.

Wake up.

I am awake NOW. Thanks to a kind, caring friend who is courageous, bold, and forthright. Thank you!