It's just a suggestion but if I were you I would not go to those family functions of the in-laws for a while.
Why aggravate your wife?
Instead show respect for her feelings by not going for a while.
Isn't it enough that you work for MIL?
Stop trying to make her see how well you fit in and are loved.
Just do this for a while.
On the subject of having seen the kids for the last 20 days in a row.....I told you to set a schedule a long time ago and stick to it. Now this is going to be like starting all over for you AND the children. Also, the W should have been getting her feet wet all the way up to her friggin neck as to how it is when you're a single mom.
Quote: It's just a suggestion but if I were you I would not go to those family functions of the in-laws for a while.
Alright. Alright! I get it! Jeez. Nothing like a straight index finger poking me hard in the middle of the chest.
Quote: Why aggravate your wife?
No reason to. I just realized, with your help, that I am only helping to strengthen her resolve to D me. NOT what I hope to achieve.
Quote: Instead show respect for her feelings by not going for a while.
I am able to do that for her and for me.
Quote: Isn't it enough that you work for MIL?
In my own selfish thinking, I didn't give that angle much weight. Looking at it from her vantage point now, THAT is quite possibly her thinking on the subject.
Quote: Stop trying to make her see how well you fit in and are loved.
I wasn't trying to consciously make her see anything. But consciously or subconsciously, the net effect on her is that same.
Quote: Just do this for a while.
I will stop doing MORE OF THE SAME! Doing what I've been doing has not resulted in desirable results. Time for a new plan.
Quote: On the subject of having seen the kids for the last 20 days in a row.....I told you to set a schedule a long time ago and stick to it. Now this is going to be like starting all over for you AND the children.
Will absolutely feel like starting over. But, I really have NO choice at this point. MY WAY is simply ineffective. I will be moving into my place towards the end of next week. THAT will be my impetus for GAL. Hurray!
Quote: Also, the W should have been getting her feet wet all the way up to her friggin neck as to how it is when you're a single mom.
Yes, if I had more backbone, she would have. But that is my fault. I can't remedy the past, but I can set us off in a new direction for the future. Feeling the "single momhood" feeling is FAST approachin'! I can help her to see what she wants to achieve in as loving but firm manner. And again I read my verse:
Quote: God grant me the courage NOT to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless. Amen.
Quote: I see you have a schedule now, though.
Stick to it and start GALing.
My schedule will be set in stone, only to be upset by an emergency with my children. My GALing goes into full force in less than two weeks.
My four step process to get back into living MY life. STEP 1: move STEP:2: get settled STEP 3: take care of my children next weekend STEP 4: relax and GAL
Just poking your head in from time to time helps me to know that YOU, whom I know and respect, cares about me and my sitch. I feel lately like I am on a rollercoaster that is on a looooooong decline. I trust that the chains will grab me by my axle and pull me back up the hill to get a better view from the top of the mountain.
I have been taking to heart what GH, AmyC, and always_14 have said to me. GAL. Work on your issues, NOT hers. Well, today seems to be a turning point for me. It feels like I have started to let go of expectations of my W and of the outcome of my DB efforts. Tonight is an excellent example of the strides I am making.
At work, my W was being herself, doing things to push my invisible buttons, and I didn't react. I just stood my ground, kept my composure and walked away. I felt really empowered to act that way in response to her, rather than react (instinctively) negatively. Howwever, at one point I did step on her toes inadvertantly. I promptly called her back to own up to what I had done and to apologize. THAT conversation turned out to be a good one. I told her that my experience with her, especially lately, is that our interactions are regularly tension-filled. I asked her, is it even a remote possibility that the tone and aggressiveness I receive are unique behaviors towards me? Is that even a possibility? My W responded without answering that question, but by saying that she was sorry for treating me in a manner that made me feel that way. I said thank you for the apology.
Tonight is my evening with our children and I am still needing to care for them at her house. My W went out with a GF and I didn't dwell on who else might be there. Didn't really matter to me tonight. No torturing myself by speculating. At 12:30 AM my W called me to apologize for not being home yet. I told her thank you for apologizing, but I am not upset, I wasn't watching the clock and everything is fine. I told her that I have NO expectations of her. I also told her that I am happy that you called and that you are OK. Get home safe. WOW. I cannot explain how NICE those past two conversations were and how different they were from most of our recent interactions. I know this goes back to one person changing a R by changing their own actions in a conversation. I feel like I did that tonight and it feels great. WOW
One more thing. I have been praying that God changes my W's will. Your post made so much sense to me with respect to His power and grace.
Quote: One more thing. I have been praying that God changes my W's will
CHANGE ME, LORD
Dear Lord, change not Thy will in my life, Or trial and sorrows to be; Renew my faith and make me strong, Change not Thy will, change me.
Though teardrops fall when trouble comes, Like storms on a rolling sea; Let Thy beacon guide my ship to port, Change not the storm, change me.
When Thy Holy Word I don't understand And Thy glory I cannot see; Teach my eyes, give me sight and wisdom, Change not Thy Word, change me.
If the fruit Thou hast given me to eat, Taste bitter and sour, I plea; Let not my will but Thine be done, Change not the fruit, change me.
If sometimes I murmur and grumble, dear Lord, About the cross I carry for Thee; Keep it firm on my shoulders, but hold my hand, Change not the cross, change me.
If You change Thy ways to please me, dear Lord, I would soon grow cold and turn from Thee; That You may hear my prayers, dear Lord, Change not Thy ways, change me.
There's a valley that I must cross, Some day Thy face to see; Lest I forget what power is Thine, Change not the valley, change me.
Quote: I asked her, is it even a remote possibility that the tone and aggressiveness I receive are unique behaviors towards me? Is that even a possibility? My W responded without answering that question, but by saying that she was sorry for treating me in a manner that made me feel that way. I said thank you for the apology.
Again, pretty good stuff overall, but this exchange still proves that you are trying to verbally figure her out too much. Just observe and remain silent for awhile. You still talk too much. It's a gift I share with you, but I learned VERY early on that without fail, when I felt the biggest urge to talk, I should shut up, at least at the point in the sitch you are at.
I am glad things are feeling better for you. Keep it up!
I know you can detect when I get frustrated but I will spare you the necessity of reading through a long post and go ahead and tell you I am getting perturbed.
If I were to ask you what screwed up your marriage I would guess that your answer would be "the affair".
The affair is NOT what screwed up your marriage.
It began long before that and the only part you have any control over is that part that you contributed.
THAT is why this is about you and changing yourself.
You CAN pray that AS YOU ARE CHANGING your wife's heart will be turned back to you and your family will be restored but you can not pray that God will just magically change your wife's will. Our wills are largely formed by the things we like, dislike, want and need. I'm sorry but right now your wife doesn't like you a whole lot. Notice "want" is BEFORE "need"....because we often have to get burned by the fires from many of the things we "want" just to learn about what we REALLY "need"...
Do you even realize that you really do have some issues?
I am not being mean to you but every one of us that's here, has issues and are either in the very early process of discovering what they are or we are in the process of working through them.
So far, your entire goal is just to get your wife back.
Well, what the hell are you gonna do with her when she gets there?!!
You haven't changed.
Sure you have hurt, but that's not the same.
SHE sure doesn't seem to have changed much at all for the better.
YOU can't change her.
YOU MUST WALK through your own crap and clean it up.
You can't just ask God to let you track it back through the house!
Your wife has to do the same.
You CAN NOT assist her on her journey and keep pushing yours to the back burner.
Hasn't God gotten your attention yet?
He shaking the hell out of your cage and all He's getting in return is a prayer that He will change HER?!
Man, let Him change YOU.
What if you are the one that He planned to reach HER THROUGH???????
My GALing goes into full force in less than two weeks.