I am really hitting a rough spot in my psyche. I have had the pleasure of my childrens' company for 20 straight days and I don't see them tonight and it feels like a punch in the gut. I have had the wind knocked out of me. This weekend is going to be more of the same because it is not my weekend with them.
Yesterday, on the 4th of July, I spent the day with them at a local park. It was a beautiful day all around. I must say, my W and I make the most beautiful children. They are both so perfect. I often lament the fact that we were able to make such angels together and jacked up our M. Ugh.
I took our children to my MILs house for a 4th of July party. The party was fun and the people are nice, but I felt the constant aching feeling that my W absolutely did NOT want me there with HER family. At one point, my W was covering her face to whisper something to my brother-in-law. I asked her if I could talk to her and she said NO. I made the mistake of ASSuming that she was saying something negative about me to my BIL. Regardless, her entire family is nice to me and accepting of me despite our marital woes. I do know that THAT irks my W a great deal. Other than to just disappear, I do not really know what she wants from me.
I am taking always_14's advice to let go. I am also taking the advice to work on ME and not on HER. Novel concept. I truly do cause myself more pain and heartache by ASSuming I KNOW what is happening and what people are thinking and saying about me. I don't take good or neutral happenings in my sitch at face value. I have the sadistic need to hurt my own feelings. I'm working on changing that though.
