Need Help Staying on my Feet, pt. 3

[Still_Standing]

...this is the first time I have read your thread....you're incredibly strong and have come around from some crazy stuff.

Thank you for saying I am strong. I often feel weak in the face of the crazymakinng in my life, my own and others.

I understand your feeling to fix....

I have always felt the need to be perfect to get approval and affirmation. THAT comes from my childhood, as does the feeling that no matter what, I just will NOT measure up.

Wishing "if only H would see his problems, now that I have seen mine" or "how could he do this to me, ruin our M..."

In looking back at myself honestly, I always lugged along a mountain-sized bag of crap on my back, crap about me. Since looking at the speck in someone else's eye is always easier.... I am really great at picking out someone else's shortcomings. THIS has really shown through to me during my sitch. I am only recently realizing that my only job is to grow my faith and love my W unfailingly.

The truth is, I never put my all into the M either....this is his way of being lost, of being in pain.

Before your post, I always gave myself credit for being in my M 100%. I broke my own d*mn arm patting myself on the back. Jesus is still waiting for me to swallow my big bite of humble pie. I am still choking on it, but it's going down.

Can I forgive someone for stepping out of line to save themselves...even if it hurts me?

Again, before your post, I would have said NO. But now, I will willingly step aside in my M if that is what is God's will. All that I ask is that God help me to see or hear that THAT is His will and I will let go. My faith does not belive that THAT is God's will, but my faith also allows for any Godly possibility to emerge in my life.

Can I let go of my notion of M and being together for a while so that I and H can heal? Yes.

I think you are saying that you CAN let go of your M for a while to let yourself and your H heal. I am willing to do the same. I would not take back our M as it was before without the possibility and convicition to make drastic and dramatic changes in ourselves, our M, and our family.

I think now, as AmyC and others say, it's time to focus on YOU. You have done so much toward that end, but now is the time to stay calm, still and focus on yourself...on being mindful and conscious about everything in your life, and the impact it has.

This is the mosts difficult part of my journey personally and in my M. I have alsays been a human"doing", not a humanbeing! In my doing, I have wreaked havoc on my own life and the lives of others because I have too often not thought actions out sufficiently nor the impacts of those actions. Sitting calmly, quietly, and still will allow me to listen to what God said about me in the beginning and will allow me to know the kind of man that God always intended to be.

Here is what I did that really kicked the doors open for me to heal/change and grow....I let go of attachments to the outcome.

Great tactic.

This doesn't mean you stop trying or fighting, it means that you love yourself and others and God to let go of your panicked desires for the outcome...

I work every day to not give up on what I think is right even though I think it hopeless.

...before I was always fixed on the outcome, doing anything to not let it go.

Have you been sitting on my shoulder? D*mnit!

Let your W be. Let her grow.

Ugh! YES IT IS!! Turning everything in my life over to God is terribly difficult. I struggle to do so every day with my own propensity to work on trying to control as much as I can in my life.

It's painful, but stop being tormented by the details...look at this as God's way of tearing the whole thing down so you can really rebuild. Not on a foundation of crap, but one built on love and respect.

Oooohhh. I like that. Yes, God, please tear the whole thing down so I can really rebuild.

This is your time to clear your heart, to heal, from your mistakes and hers. This is your time to grow, to find yourself, outside the role of married man.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Time is precious, don't waste it. Start focusing on yourself....you will be amazed at how much you can influence by living mindfully and consciously of YOUR OWN life.

Time IS precious. I have wasted enough of my time in my life, especially lately focusing on the crazymaking in my life. I will, as you say, live MY OWN life mindfully and consciously.