HH, this is the first time I have read your thread....you're incredibly strong and have come around from some crazy stuff.

I understand your feeling to fix....I myself am realizing that a lot of H's behavior is his childhood and ways he deals with things that were part of him BEFORE me. It frustrates me, but is his own to work out. Part of MY need to fix comes from how I was raised and MY childhood....my parents are very intrusive, controlling, and always take charge when they think things are going wrong and panic and all that bad stuff. They also have a habit of making us feel bad for "ruining" the outcome and the family for choosing alternative ways.

I realize, even in more subtle ways, I have this. Wishing "if only H would see his problems, now that I haev seen mine" or "how could he do this to me, ruin our M..." The truth is, I never put my all into the M either....this is his way of being lost, of being in pain. Can I forgive someone for stepping out of line to save themselves...even if it hurts me?

Can I let go of my notion of M and being together for a while so that I and H can heal? Yes.

I think now, as AmyC and others say, it's time to focus on YOU. You have done so much toward that end, but now is the time to stay calm, still and focus on yourself...on being mindful and conscious about everything in your life, and the impact it has.

Here is what I did that really kicked the doors open for me to heal/change and grow....I let go of attachments to the outcome. This doesn't mean you stop trying or fighting, it means that you love yourself and others and God to let go of your panicked desires for the outcome....before I was always fixed on the outcome, doing anything to not let it go.

Let your W be. Let her grow. It's painful, but stop being tormented by the details...look at this as God's way of tearing the whole thing down so you can really rebuild. Not on a foundation of crap, but one built on love and respect. This is your time to clear your heart, to heal, from your mistakes and hers. This is your time to grow, to find yourself, outside the role of married man. Time is precious, don't waste it. Start focusing on yourself....you will be amazed at how much you can influence by living mindfully and consciously of YOUR OWN life.