I have been reading your thread and have culled so much great information about you and your sitch and so many other great ideas I will be able to put into use immediately. TWO jump out at me right now.
FIRST: You seen in your mind your H praying on your side of your bed. His prayers brought you out of the wilderness and into the light. The story of your husband's strength and determination made my heart sing. I am re-invigorated. Gives me goose bumps. My prayers begin again in earnest with Amy's H's prayer regimen as my template. My W WILL allow me to come home. My W WILL welcome me with open arms back into our M. <shiver>
SECOND: Amy chimes in:
Quote: What the heck is going on here?
Look, MY will was to divorce my husband. There were no ifs, ands or buts about it. There is only ONE thing, ONE time in my whole life that I EVER fought anywhere near as hard as I am fighting now and that was when I fought to get OUT of this marriage. THAT fight is ONLY overshadowed by my fight to SAVE it. God showed me EXACTLY what turned the tide for me. It was my husband's prayers. I SAW it in my mind, my husband PRAYING BESIDE MY SIDE OF OUR BED. The furniture is completely moved around now. Even the bedding and wall hangings are different. When God showed me my husband praying I saw things as they were WHEN I WAS LOST. His prayers for me THEN are what got God's attention. His prayers, when I was hell-bent on divorce, started the course for the change of my OWN will. I only know that now. I had no clue what was going to happen. Everything I lived, did, said or planned was as a woman about to be happily divorced from her husband. I had NO IDEA I would EVER find myself standing for the restoration of my marriage.
I don't know what my husband prayed. But when I pray, I pray "WHEN he comes home....." NOT "If". "If" is a lack of faith.
I daily THANK God for the resoration of my family. I don't SEE that yet. But I will.
Things can happen to alter a person's own will. When they are walking separated from God, as I was, all that is needed is an intercessor. Someone to stand FOR His will, which is the salvation of our marriages.
New in his faith, my husband stood for the first 8 months we were separated and then 15 more when he came home. Unfortunately, I was still lost. But then things slowly began to change. And now, here I am.
Restored & standing and you better BELIEVE I AM CLAIMING God's WILL for my family. I will not leave a loophole by saying 'if', as if to leave an 'out' if it doesn't happen.
That is a complete lack of faith!
'WHEN' my husband comes home...NOT 'if'.
-------------------- "I must go through the valley, to stand upon the mountain of God". Third Day
THANKS FOR ALLOWING ME TO HIJACK YOUR THREAD AMY! To me, she is standing on her Rock of faith and believes wholeheartedly that her H WILL come home and does not pray "if" he will come home. I LOVE that. THAT is my kind of Rock solid faith that I need to rebuild my M and family on.
HH, this is the first time I have read your thread....you're incredibly strong and have come around from some crazy stuff.
I understand your feeling to fix....I myself am realizing that a lot of H's behavior is his childhood and ways he deals with things that were part of him BEFORE me. It frustrates me, but is his own to work out. Part of MY need to fix comes from how I was raised and MY childhood....my parents are very intrusive, controlling, and always take charge when they think things are going wrong and panic and all that bad stuff. They also have a habit of making us feel bad for "ruining" the outcome and the family for choosing alternative ways.
I realize, even in more subtle ways, I have this. Wishing "if only H would see his problems, now that I haev seen mine" or "how could he do this to me, ruin our M..." The truth is, I never put my all into the M either....this is his way of being lost, of being in pain. Can I forgive someone for stepping out of line to save themselves...even if it hurts me?
Can I let go of my notion of M and being together for a while so that I and H can heal? Yes.
I think now, as AmyC and others say, it's time to focus on YOU. You have done so much toward that end, but now is the time to stay calm, still and focus on yourself...on being mindful and conscious about everything in your life, and the impact it has.
Here is what I did that really kicked the doors open for me to heal/change and grow....I let go of attachments to the outcome. This doesn't mean you stop trying or fighting, it means that you love yourself and others and God to let go of your panicked desires for the outcome....before I was always fixed on the outcome, doing anything to not let it go.
Let your W be. Let her grow. It's painful, but stop being tormented by the details...look at this as God's way of tearing the whole thing down so you can really rebuild. Not on a foundation of crap, but one built on love and respect. This is your time to clear your heart, to heal, from your mistakes and hers. This is your time to grow, to find yourself, outside the role of married man. Time is precious, don't waste it. Start focusing on yourself....you will be amazed at how much you can influence by living mindfully and consciously of YOUR OWN life.
If you have been reading my threads from the beginning, you have seen the times I have stumbled and outright tripped and fell in this walk I am on. Sometimes I had to lay there a while and let God
deal with me about my own issues and then let HIM raise me back up. Lately it seems I am literally up one week and plummeting the next. Sometimes even more often.
Sometimes I give up and get back up multiple times in the same freakin day.
Bottom line though, I haven't yet earned the right to give up and walk away.
Not after everything I have put my husband through.
I owe him MUCH more fight than I have put forth to date.
And so I press on.
Just last week I was shown yet another way in which I failed my husband. So obviously God is still working on ME, which means I am not ready for my husband to come home, no matter how ready I may think I am.
Until you meet God on His terms and surrender to Him entirely you will battle uphill and never gain the power to put this mountain under your feet where He means it to be.
Quote: ...this is the first time I have read your thread....you're incredibly strong and have come around from some crazy stuff.
Thank you for saying I am strong. I often feel weak in the face of the crazymakinng in my life, my own and others.
Quote: I understand your feeling to fix....
I have always felt the need to be perfect to get approval and affirmation. THAT comes from my childhood, as does the feeling that no matter what, I just will NOT measure up.
Quote: Wishing "if only H would see his problems, now that I have seen mine" or "how could he do this to me, ruin our M..."
In looking back at myself honestly, I always lugged along a mountain-sized bag of crap on my back, crap about me. Since looking at the speck in someone else's eye is always easier.... I am really great at picking out someone else's shortcomings. THIS has really shown through to me during my sitch. I am only recently realizing that my only job is to grow my faith and love my W unfailingly.
Quote: The truth is, I never put my all into the M either....this is his way of being lost, of being in pain.
Before your post, I always gave myself credit for being in my M 100%. I broke my own d*mn arm patting myself on the back. Jesus is still waiting for me to swallow my big bite of humble pie. I am still choking on it, but it's going down.
Quote: Can I forgive someone for stepping out of line to save themselves...even if it hurts me?
Again, before your post, I would have said NO. But now, I will willingly step aside in my M if that is what is God's will. All that I ask is that God help me to see or hear that THAT is His will and I will let go. My faith does not belive that THAT is God's will, but my faith also allows for any Godly possibility to emerge in my life.
Quote: Can I let go of my notion of M and being together for a while so that I and H can heal? Yes.
I think you are saying that you CAN let go of your M for a while to let yourself and your H heal. I am willing to do the same. I would not take back our M as it was before without the possibility and convicition to make drastic and dramatic changes in ourselves, our M, and our family.
Quote: I think now, as AmyC and others say, it's time to focus on YOU. You have done so much toward that end, but now is the time to stay calm, still and focus on yourself...on being mindful and conscious about everything in your life, and the impact it has.
This is the mosts difficult part of my journey personally and in my M. I have alsays been a human"doing", not a humanbeing! In my doing, I have wreaked havoc on my own life and the lives of others because I have too often not thought actions out sufficiently nor the impacts of those actions. Sitting calmly, quietly, and still will allow me to listen to what God said about me in the beginning and will allow me to know the kind of man that God always intended to be.
Quote: Here is what I did that really kicked the doors open for me to heal/change and grow....I let go of attachments to the outcome.
Great tactic.
Quote: This doesn't mean you stop trying or fighting, it means that you love yourself and others and God to let go of your panicked desires for the outcome...
I work every day to not give up on what I think is right even though I think it hopeless.
Quote: ...before I was always fixed on the outcome, doing anything to not let it go.
Have you been sitting on my shoulder? D*mnit!
Quote: Let your W be. Let her grow.
Ugh! YES IT IS!! Turning everything in my life over to God is terribly difficult. I struggle to do so every day with my own propensity to work on trying to control as much as I can in my life.
Quote: It's painful, but stop being tormented by the details...look at this as God's way of tearing the whole thing down so you can really rebuild. Not on a foundation of crap, but one built on love and respect.
Oooohhh. I like that. Yes, God, please tear the whole thing down so I can really rebuild.
Quote: This is your time to clear your heart, to heal, from your mistakes and hers. This is your time to grow, to find yourself, outside the role of married man.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
Quote: Time is precious, don't waste it. Start focusing on yourself....you will be amazed at how much you can influence by living mindfully and consciously of YOUR OWN life.
Time IS precious. I have wasted enough of my time in my life, especially lately focusing on the crazymaking in my life. I will, as you say, live MY OWN life mindfully and consciously.
Quote: If you have been reading my threads from the beginning, you have seen the times I have stumbled and outright tripped and fell in this walk I am on. Sometimes I had to lay there a while and let God
deal with me about my own issues and then let HIM raise me back up. Lately it seems I am literally up one week and plummeting the next. Sometimes even more often.
Sometimes I give up and get back up multiple times in the same freakin day.
I also am often up and down several times in the same day. Where I fail is in staying calm and still and asking God to help me to my knees, then to stand, then to walk. I have serious control issues with regard to me and what I am able to do for myself. Grrrr. I hate that personality trait of mine. I sturggle to ask for help, especially when I need it most.
Quote:
Bottom line though, I haven't yet earned the right to give up and walk away.
Not after everything I have put my husband through.I owe him MUCH more fight than I have put forth to date.
And so I press on.
Nor have I. Not after what I've put my W through. I also owe my S much more as I struggle to stay strong and on my feet in my fight for what is right.
Quote: ...God is still working on ME, which means I am not ready for my husband to come home, no matter how ready I may think I am.
So many sitches are so poignant and pointed, like yours. Often I am touched and brought to tears and back to reality that no matter how much I want restoration and reconciliation, THAT will only come on HIS time and when HE deems I am ready.
Quote: Until you meet God on His terms and surrender to Him entirely you will battle uphill and never gain the power to put this mountain under your feet where He means it to be.
I hear you, sister. THAT is my quest. I have tried to live my life on my terms in vain and have failed so miserably in so many ways. My walk with the Lord is just beginning and I have so much to learn; so much control to give to Him.
AMY, one side note:
I read your thread that you posted to mine. I was struck hard by two posts. The first was The Anchor Holds. I loved that and it reminded me that I need to hold steadfast in the face of uncertainty, terrible storms and hopelessness. I will
Second, was the post regarding your stay at home alone. The loneliness enveloped you. You wrote:
Quote: THIS is what I put my husband through when I made him leave the house...and therefore the kids.
I asked God to gorgive me for that.
I wonder if the silence in his life was deafaening?
It was for me.
I cried when I read that and did again when I posted this. THAT is what I have to look forward to when I move. The loneliness and silence. To make matters worse, I get a double whammy. I cheated on my W and my W asked me to leave, so now I spend many a night without my beloved family. Pray with me, if you would.
I read your thread that you posted to mine. I was struck hard by two posts. The first was The Anchor Holds. I loved that and it reminded me that I need to hold steadfast in the face of uncertainty, terrible storms and hopelessness. I will It's a song. A man at our church sings it sometimes and it has really been coming into my mind a lot lately.
Second, was the post regarding your stay at home alone. The loneliness enveloped you. You wrote:
Quote: THIS is what I put my husband through when I made him leave the house...and therefore the kids. I asked God to forgive me for that. I wonder if the silence in his life was deafening? It was for me.
I cried when I read that and did again when I posted this. THAT is what I have to look forward to when I move. The loneliness and silence. To make matters worse, I get a double whammy. I cheated on my W and my W asked me to leave, so now I spend many a night without my beloved family. Pray with me, if you would.
You will have the kids with you a lot though and the rest of the time you WILL be getting a life. That'll make it easier. That was ONE night that the kids were with their Dad. Last Friday night. I guess I had not yet been without them since ending coming out of the tunnel. They were ALL at his parents house and I felt so damn EXCLUDED. It was a part of this valley that I had to pass through, though. Praise the Lord, it is done! See even this far into it, almost 9 months now, I am STILL being shown the effects of my MLC. It'll take as long as it takes. For both of us, HH.
[quoteIt's a song. A man at our church sings it sometimes and it has really been coming into my mind a lot lately.
Quote: I NEED to hear that song. I'll figure out who the artist is and buy that CD.
Quote: You will have the kids with you a lot though and the rest of the time you WILL be getting a life. That'll make it easier. That was ONE night that the kids were with their Dad. Last Friday night. I guess I had not yet been without them since ending coming out of the tunnel. They were ALL at his parents house and I felt so damn EXCLUDED. It was a part of this valley that I had to pass through, though. Praise the Lord, it is done! See even this far into it, almost 9 months now, I am STILL being shown the effects of my MLC. It'll take as long as it takes. For both of us, HH.
I will trust my angel Amy. Yes, I do have our children a lot. Today is the first day in nearly 3 weeks that I will not see them. I am so sad. But, I'll survive to see them tomorrow. This weekend will be a butt kicker, as I have been blessed by their presence so much lately.
The things you mentioned that I'll be doing will make being alone easier, but easier than what I've been enduring is of little comfort. Plus, the silence is going to be torture. Work helps. As does calling my 5 year old angel every evening to say goodnight.
I am just entering the valley and believe this will be the most trying time of my life, but I also believe I will make it through, stronger than ever.
I am really hitting a rough spot in my psyche. I have had the pleasure of my childrens' company for 20 straight days and I don't see them tonight and it feels like a punch in the gut. I have had the wind knocked out of me. This weekend is going to be more of the same because it is not my weekend with them.
Yesterday, on the 4th of July, I spent the day with them at a local park. It was a beautiful day all around. I must say, my W and I make the most beautiful children. They are both so perfect. I often lament the fact that we were able to make such angels together and jacked up our M. Ugh.
I took our children to my MILs house for a 4th of July party. The party was fun and the people are nice, but I felt the constant aching feeling that my W absolutely did NOT want me there with HER family. At one point, my W was covering her face to whisper something to my brother-in-law. I asked her if I could talk to her and she said NO. I made the mistake of ASSuming that she was saying something negative about me to my BIL. Regardless, her entire family is nice to me and accepting of me despite our marital woes. I do know that THAT irks my W a great deal. Other than to just disappear, I do not really know what she wants from me.
I am taking always_14's advice to let go. I am also taking the advice to work on ME and not on HER. Novel concept. I truly do cause myself more pain and heartache by ASSuming I KNOW what is happening and what people are thinking and saying about me. I don't take good or neutral happenings in my sitch at face value. I have the sadistic need to hurt my own feelings. I'm working on changing that though.
My DB/DR brethren always stoke my fire to begin again anew.
