interesting note today. My W called me and asked my to go to lunch with her. I gladly accepted. When the time came, my W told my her mother was going to lunch with us. Funny thing happened. My MIL asked my W why she was being so nice with me. Later, I asked my W what her mother meant by that and my W told me that her mother thinks that we flirt with each other ALL the time.
I don't know what any of that means, but it means something. Good or bad? Who knows. After we got back to the office, my W walked in and I was typing this post. I asked her if she was wondering what I was doing on the computer? She said she wasn't and told me, "You want to tell me so tell me." I did, b/c I didn't want her wondering despite saying she wasn't. I also told her this BB is on DivorceBusting.com.
Since I had already backslid that far, I also told her that I don't want a divorce and that I love her. Of course, she didn't respond and I told her quickly that I didn't expect a response. She just sat there pleasantly and we said goodbye.
Anyway, at this point my missteps and backsliding seem to be occuring more frequently. What I need is "a serious talking to" by my DB/DR compatriots on staying the course and NOT spilling my guts about what my W already know ! ! ! GH has told me that she focuses on me when I make myself the focus. And, if the focus is on me, then she cannot focus on herself, healing and forgiveness.
We will see. I am getting the feeling that I need to be hit by a bowling ball to back off and let God do His work in my life and in our M.
Quote: I asked her if she was wondering what I was doing on the computer? She said she wasn't and told me, "You want to tell me so tell me." I did, b/c I didn't want her wondering despite saying she wasn't. I also told her this BB is on DivorceBusting.com.
IMO, telling her about this BB was self serving and foolish. Do you think she will be thrilled to find out all that you have said about her here? It will likely not be a good moment if she does. I could be wrong and I would love to be. I don't have time for this now because my ceiling is sitting on my living room floor but I will try to come back later and post more.
Quote: IMO, telling her about this BB was self serving and foolish.
Perhaps. I didn't think it was self serving then and I still don't. The foolish part is most likely true.
Quote: Do you think she will be thrilled to find out all that you have said about her here? It will likely not be a good moment if she does.
No I don't think she would be thrilled, but everything I have said here is simply recounting actual experiences I had with her. My C told me this, and it really stuck with me; if I am simply telling a story involving my W factually with no embellishments, then I am NOT throwing her under the proverbial bus. I have actually grown to accept that as my truth.
Quote: I could be wrong and I would love to be.
I would love for my entire sitch to resolve lovingly and completely. I do know that I would not accept my R with my W as it was under any circumstances, unless dramatic changes were on the horizon and were being worked toward in a solution-oriented diligent fashion. I want it ALL, but I am ready to celebrate each small victory along the way to my ultimate goal which is still such a loooong way off.
Quote: I don't have time for this now because my ceiling is sitting on my living room floor but I will try to come back later and post more.
May the Carpenter come to be the Foreman of the workmen who come to fix hour roof/ceiling. I await your coming post with baited breath. I welcome your and GH's willingness to tell me, "Whoa, boy. You're getting ahead of yourself." I know I have a tendency to do that because of my impatience (my worst trait).
I honestly DO care if my W were to read my thread, but, as I said, nothing I have posted here is made up. She may not like to read it, but it is all true. And true today is true tomorrow. I have truly changed my view of the world and my own litmus test for my own behavior. For me, right is right, always; for me and others. If I have done something today and it was the right thing to do, I will be able to look myself in the mirror and be satisfied that I did my best with the available information. I know that makes me sound self righteous, but that is how I have decided to live my life going forward. That my not work for everyone, but it is the path I have chosen
I am not going to go back and re-read your thread(s) (already did that once today for someone) but I don't think you have ever really posted much to be ashamed of or that would set you back months if your W read it. I think you come off as a pretty nice guy, who surely loves his W but that made a terrible mistake, one he recognizes and is working to repair the damage it caused.
I don't think anyone should really recommend that their spouse read the things they post here, but now that you did in a way, I don't think it would be as bad as some of the threads here. Who knows, maybe since she IS the LBS in this case, she could even get help.
Amy, I do agree with you that in that respect, it WAS self-serving because in a way HH, you were not only trying to prove that you're really trying, but you were also trying to get her to get help here, consciously or unconsciously. I can't say I blame you on either count. You thought you were doing the right thing.
I hope it works out for you, and HH's W, if you are reading this, I think you have a good man here, who if given the second chance at marital life, would be a rock in your life, one that truly understands the gift of marriage and how to keep giving that gift for eternity.
Quote: I am not going to go back and re-read your thread(s)....
LOL, neither would I. I am one long-winded guy.
Quote: ...but I don't think you have ever really posted much to be ashamed of or that would set you back months if your W read it.
I am so sneaky I didn't even realize I was doing something self-serving. But in light of my two Jiminy Cricket friends telling me it is so, it must be so.
Quote: I think you come off as a pretty nice guy, who surely loves his W but that made a terrible mistake, one he recognizes and is working to repair the damage it caused.
I take your comments as high praise, Sir Grasshopper. Thank you. I am certainly working to make the % of time I spend in the "nice guy" mode much higher. Throwing bombs in your own life is dangerous and extremely hurtful business. I don't recommend it.
Quote: I don't think anyone should really recommend that their spouse read the things they post here, but now that you did in a way, I don't think it would be as bad as some of the threads here.
Uhhh, thanks, I think.
Quote: Who knows, maybe since she IS the LBS in this case, she could even get help.
Anyone who WANTS help here will certainly find it. The problem for a lot of people, I am sure, is KNOWING you need help and WANTING that help. I came here on a quest, as have others I have had the privilege of "talking" with.
Quote: Amy, I do agree with you that in that respect, it WAS self-serving because in a way HH, you were not only trying to prove that you're really trying, but you were also trying to get her to get help here, consciously or unconsciously.
I promise, it was subconsciously. I certainly am not that good at planting seeds, although my W may disagree.
Quote: I can't say I blame you on either count. You thought you were doing the right thing.
I did. I did.
Quote: I hope it works out for you, and HH's W, if you are reading this, I think you have a good man here, who if given the second chance at marital life, would be a rock in your life, one that truly understands the gift of marriage and how to keep giving that gift for eternity.
I would and I do. I doubt she will seek out this thread. If you do, honey, "Hi."
To add to this convo a little, more about me than you though, I often wonder what W would think if she read all this. As many of you have pointed out about me and others here, my W does NOT see me as "this" person that you all see. I am a MUCH better writer than speaker and since she hates for me to write to her, I get stuck talking and then get in trouble. So I understand your reasons for telling her. Again, I wonder...
GH, I handle both equally well. The benefit of writing, to me, is that I have the ability to re-phrase anything to craft my words to what I want them to be. I get the benefit of a "do over" on DB b/c we have to submit, submit, submit so much to get our "stuff" to post. Too bad life doesn't work like that .
Quote: I get the benefit of a "do over" on DB b/c we have to submit, submit, submit so much to get our "stuff" to post
That's what I meant. I too can talk a good game, but when I write, my emotions (well, you wouldn't know it from today's spewing) are removed unless I WANT them not to be. That's the difference.
You truly are my brotha from anotha motha. We are so much alike in so many ways. Please keep posting on my thread and offering your perspective and insight. I ruly enjoy our conversations. Too bad we don't live in the same city...but then again, you'd probably want to kill me.
The past two days I am really feeling the pain of the hurt I caused my wife from my A. She is doing what she's been doing all along, but I am surrounded by voices that tell me to get away from the work and her for my own wellbeing and sanity. I feel like I am doing fine, then one more thing comes along and kicks me in the gut and takes the wind out of me.
I rely on my faith to get back up and keep fighting the enemy for my W, my M, my family, and myself. I am really struggling to find what God said about me in the beginning. Doug01 talked about quieting the other voices in quieting my mind so that I will hear His voice. I struggle with that every day.
I truly believe that the enemy is working throught my co-workers and even my family. All of them tell me I should quit. That they don't want me to hurt. That they know what my W is up to and that they don't want me to set myself up for more hurt.
I keep on keepin' on because that is who I am. I have truly determined what is important in my life and what is not. Right now, I have no higher purpose than to grow in my faith. After that, I believe that God's will is for my W to be healed, my M to be restored and reconciled, my family to glorify Him in our "new" nucleus, and I am to be redeemed. I was lost, but now I'm found! I have hope. I pray.
Today, I had one of my co-workers doing overtime work for the enemy, telling me to quit and give up. Telling me I am only going to be watching actions that will hurt me. I know what to expect, and I am steeling myself for the enemy's full onslautht on my mind and spirit. On of my other co-workers, whom I love dearly, told me, GO SLOW! YOU WILL GET STRONGER! Be like a turtle. Put your shell on you back and let those voices bounce off your back. When you are stronger, when more time passes, you will see you path clearly. You will then know if you need to leave." I love that man. He tells me that what I am doing is correct. I know it is correct. It is right and righteous. But I also know that my W has free will and is the one who will make or not make decisions to change our currrent path.
I am hoping for more references to scriptures that will help me to solidify my faith, weather my storm, stay the course, silence the voices, keep on keepin' on, strengthen my spirit and resolve, fight the good fight, and re-unify my family.
All help and direction would be greatly appreciated.
GH has told me that she focuses on me when I make myself the focus. And, if the focus is on me, then she cannot focus on herself, healing and forgiveness.
Please keep posting on my thread and offering your perspective and insight. I ruly enjoy our conversations. Too bad we don't live in the same city...but then again, you'd probably want to kill me.