A few things happened this week while I was with my children all week. First and foremost, one thing GH said and one thing Amy said came rushing to the forefront of my mind.
First, GH's posted that I (and my W) need to quit trying to be right and just love one another. In looking back, I have been judging my W's path instead of loving her, praying for her, and being patient with her. As you have told me, just because I read it and/or someone said it to me, doesn't make me right or what I am trying to do righteous. Ouch. But I needed to be smacked hard in the nose with a sledgehammer to knock me off of my self-made egotistical pedestal. I need to focus on loving my W no matter what path she is on. I realize my M may not survive, but if it does not, she will leave our M knowing that I love her b/c I showed her 'til the end. THAT I have control over b/c I have complete control over me and what I do. I have gotten sidetracked with anger that was subtle enough that I fooled myself into thinking I wasn't angry but not so subtle that YOU and my W didn't recognize as being an a$$. Thank you for calling it to my attention and calling me on my own ability to lie to myself. Ugh. I am so far from where I need to be and I appreciate your honesty in being willing to tell me what I need to know about myself.
Amy, you have been trying to tell me that I cannot do this by myself. I cannot change myself enough on my own. I cannot heal my W, myself, or my M. To use GH's phrase, I have been too "pat myself on the back." That realization is awful and tonight it all came together like a ton of bricks right on my overinflated head. My dear, you have been my most powerful spiritual guide and I will be forever indebted to you. With time, study, dedication, perseverence and prayer I hope to get from where I am spititually to being much closer to God and much stronger in my beliefs and faith. I often feel so weak in my faith, but I am encouraged by your words about my seeking Him. Thank you.
My decision tonight, is to focus on being happy and NOT worrying about being right in my M. I need to continue being myself. I suck at trying to be someone I am not. I like the person that I have become over the past 4-5 months and I need to focus on being that person. Should my W not like the person that I am now, then I can live with her decision. I won't like it, but I like ME. I can't make her like me. I have faith in God and I believe He will get His message through to my W. The end result, though, is that she does have free will and may choose to continue to dance with the enemy. I know that I do not have the power to heal my W's wounds and I do not have the will to make her hesitate or stop in the path she has started. She is a grown woman. She is a smart woman. She is a Christian woman. I hope and pray she remembers who she is. My job is to act in a manner that SHOWS her that I love and accept her for who she is. I will do that.
Thank you all for reading my posts. You comments and your positive thoughts and prayers for me and my sitch are greatly appreciated. Thank you again. 'Til tomorrow.
