I think one of the dynamics we miss often in sitchs like yours (all three of you) is one we always tell each other as LBS's, which is that the marriage, if looked at with honest reflection, was NOT good for either of us, it's just the WAS/cheater who DID something about it first.
Our M was not a happy one for a long time. Both of us had unmet needs and we were unsuccessful in communicating those needs and the other S was either unwilling/unable to hear and/or meet those needs.
Quote: As LBS's, we have to learn what WE didn't like about the marriage and then start the hard work it takes to not only mend ourselves and address our personal issues, but all to make sure we don't even go back to that "bad" marriage again.
I am well aware of what MY needs were that were not being met, and I have said from the very beginning of my sitch that I would NOT take THAT M back. We need to make a ton of personal changes for our M to survive and thrive. I have been in the soul searching stage and as you have seen, I get too "pat myself on the back" in my work on me which is neither useful nor productive. I am reflecting on what I did to help along my W's unhappiness in the M. A fertile ground for honest reflection and deep soul searching.
Quote: How does this apply to your sitches?
Sorta. I have know from VERY early in my M that my W wanted a D because she told me often. My true thought is that being a W and a mother cramped her style, or at least what she thought her style was.
Quote: Well, my thought was that in all three of your sitches, it seems like your spouses have taken the bad news and run like hell. I think it's entirely possible that unlike me (or maybe just like me, who knows) your spouses were unhappy before your affair and the revelation of it is their "get out of jail free card".
Have you been talking to my W and getting her to tell you her deepest secrets??
Quote: They may be reluctant to come back not ONLY because of the pain they feel over the betrayal by you, but also because maybe they were looking for a way out, or at the very least, questioning their own happiness in the marriage. Now, with this transgression, they are free to explore their options.
GH, I gotta know, how did you get ahold of my W and get her to tell you what is going on with her? She is definitely looking at my A as a get out of jail free card AND a get out of guilt free card. That works for her now as she explores her options and looks for her happiness in OM. What keeps me hopeful is that I know her and believe she will grow tired of running from her M and from herself. Her true feelings will return. The question is when?
Quote: The good news is that if this is true, and they were unhappy before, then you know that DB, and it's ideas about identifying the problems in your marriage BEFORE the affair, your personal issues, and then working to solve what's solvable by you alone, CAN work in your sitches to improve things.
We both had issues in the M. I suppressed mine until the bomb. What a dummy! I was thoroughly afraid to talk out MY problems with OR because of her regular "I want a D" mantra. As HA said, I didn't want to upset the apple cart any more than it already was.
Quote: You still have to overcome the affair and it's own set of "issues" but maybe if you look past that, as we LBS's have to, to the REAL issues of the marriage, you can find something to work on while he/she comes around.
Even thought it was MY A, I do know that while I pray for her to "get over" my A, I need to work through ALL of my issues that led me to such an awful breach of trust and commitment in my M. I dropped the bomb on myself, my W, and our family.
Quote: Their anger WILL NOT last forever and maybe if some of the underlying issues are addressed in the meantime, and mainly I mean YOUR issues that contaminated the marriage (and God knows THEY did too, so I'm not saying you are 100% to blame) you can make progress.
Thank you for reminding me that my W's anger will not last forever (even thought it feels like it will)and that my job right now is to weed out MY issues and truly determine what I did/did not do that undermined the foundation of my M. I am truly an imperfect human, and I am truly fertile ground for God to "work on" to remind me and to help to make me the man that HE always intended me to be.
