OMG, if he has to stop calling you queen Amy, you both have to stop acting as if I actually KNOW something. lol...anyway...
Quote: My most pressing issue is gathering the strength to pull away from my W and love her from a distance. She is off doing what she is doing believing what she is doing is right. I know, in my heart of hearts, that this house of cards and lies she has built around herself is going to come crashing down on her head like a ton of bricks. I strive to be able to be there for her to lovingly pick her up and nurse her back to health both physically and spiritually from her misguided dance with the devil (no, not OM, the actual devil).
I think you have made the shift, as I suggested before, from someone fighting for their marriage in the face of issues THEY largely caused as the one who strayed, to fighting for it in the face of some things SHE'S doing. Sure, she's acting in the name of righteous vengeance for what you did, but that's not really an expression of love, is it. I digress. HH, I think you fight the fight as long as you can, and the one more day just for good measure. You want your marriage and even if you had to do your OWN dance with the Devil to find that out, you did it and now understand the power of what you did, and what she's doing. You CAN make it through this, but as usual, I caution you not to get too far ahead of yourself. My only concern for you, and I think Quee...er...Amy alluded to this today, is that even when you are self-critical, you seem a little too "pat myself on the back" about a lot of things. In the end, you both are flawed human beings doing what they THINK is right, but it's only when one or really BOTH of you stop trying to be right and just be loving that things will change. Unfortunately for you, it seems like the road will be long for her to get there, and for you, it's a matter of staying the course, even though you are just in a holding pattern around the goal. YOU know where you have to go but may run out of gas before you are cleared for landing. She's not even sure if she wants to fly yet.
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Tell me that my staying open to reconciliation and continuing to love my W is the RIGHT thing to do! I know that the great GH will always steer me to the patch of right and righteous (whether he says he believes in righteous or not). You, kind sir, are my Jiminy Cricket, my conscience, like it or not. Stay with me in my battle to defeat the enemy and re-claim my W.
Again, I over stated my position. I never said I didn't believe in righteousness, just that it's not something I normally discuss with people. In any event, I think you have the same problem I do, and BTW, it's a different problem than many here. We both think we KNOW we want to save our marriages but falter sometimes in the execution of our plans. Some people constantly struggle with the "want to" part of DB/marriage saving. I know even though you ask that question of me, you really don't need me to answer it. You know, just like I do, that you can fight the good fight because not to do so only speeds up an potential outcome, and outcome that may or may not be at the end of this path no matter what we do...so, WTH, fight the good fight and either get your marriage back or lose it, but do either as the man you want to be, fighting the fight you know you need to fight.
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Tell me, as Queen Amy does, that I need to straighten my spine and stand up for myself and STOP taking "stuff" from my W because of my guilt. I am changing every day. I know that what I did was wrong. I am working to make amends, but keep reminding me that being a whipping post is NOT making amends, it's making myself a punching bag and a doormat and who the hell wants to have THAT for a H?!?!?
Ok, this one was addressed to Quee...dammit...sorry...er...Amy, but I will take a stab at this.
Your feeling that you need to atone for your marital sins are as natural as the LBS's desire to kick the WAS to the curb after an affair comes to light. To me, the saddest situations are when (ahem...sorry to play my own sad fiddle) the LBS does all the right things (or tries anyway) and the WAS still doesn't "get it" or doesn't want the marriage, no matter how much the LBS changes. Also sad is when the WAS repents (as you have) and the LBS can't/doesn't/won't see it and allows anger and resentment to rule their decisions.
You feel the need to atone because you did wrong, and if your W recognized that but simply trouble trusting you or more "issues" to work out before getting back with you then fine, atone away and make her feel the love.
What she's doing now is premeditated pain affliction and while I DO think there is room in the equation for you to take that and not be a doormat, I think it's closer to the truth to say that at the least your atonement needs to be put on hold while you defend yourself from her "stuff".
I'm not too sure you need a spine so much as just to realize that no matter what YOU want right now, she doesn't want the same thing and that is a HUGE block towards progression.
Take a step back. Try to release some of YOUR anger and understand that things will not always be this way, for better or worse. What you do now should be in keeping with your own moral compass and out of love for yourself, the kids and yes, your W to some extent.
You're right, being a doormat is not what most people want in a spouse, but really, sad to say, not much of anything about you is what she wants these days so do what YOU want to do, speak and act integrity and I think you'll do fine.
I am just about out of cliche and run-on sentences so I'll leave you with that...
