Need Help Staying on my Feet, pt. 3

[Still_Standing]

I can't help but notice how the roles in your sitch have now almost completely reversed. You are not the LBS and she the WAS. Strange.

I tried to explain my feelings b4, but not sure I mad myself clear.

You seem to be saying all the LBS stuff, and her the WAS stuff. It's as textbook as all the rest of our sitches, it just started out flipped.

Feels sh*tty, but having a clear direction to be heading is helpful.

So, welcome to the other side.

Uhhh, thanks, I think.

While you still haven't earned your way out of your marriage....

Again, uhhh, thanks, I think.

...you have earned your way to feel kinship with us, on this side of the fence (as if you didn't already, lol).

One last time, uhhh, thanks, I think.

Sorry you have been having a hard time with W. She seems really hell-bent on sticking it to you right now. Hopefully that will pass.

Yes she is determined to stick it to me. Whenever her venom gets to the overflow point, I get the spillover. Lucky me.

QUESTION: What does any of her pissy behavior towards me mean? She constantly tells me that she IS divorced, and yet regularly accuses me of dating "someone" and flirting with ALL of her friends and my co-workers. It would seem to me that in being DONE with me she would not care at all about what I am doing and who I am seeing at this point. Especially since she tells me she IS divorced. I don't know. I've stopped trying to figure it out.

[Still_Standing]

D5 has a dance recital and you need the details.
Call the school she dances for.

I got the info., but more importantly, I don't know which dance school she goes to b/c my W changed the schools and I NEVER took her there b/c she goes during the day when I am at work.

Your wife has nothing that you need but YOU need to stop talking to her about anything other than picking up the kids. I really wish you would stop letting her walk all over you where they are concerned. As I told another poster last night, Dads are NOT free babysitters.

Amen, sister. I actually told her this last night, sans the dads as babysitter portion, regarding limiting our interaction to the pickup/dropoff/swap of our children b/c our interaction had become VERY strained and I did not want that type of R with her. I also told her that since she wasn't OK with how I had been treating her lately (calling her on her BS regarding our children), I told her that she would not be subjected to questions or comments regarding her life unless her actions directly impacted our children.

She then tells me, you must be seeing someone. Again!! Sheesh! Whenever I am not behaving in accordance with her beliefs about me, I must be seeing someone. Of course. I tell her that I am not seeing someone and ask her why she says that. She tells me that I must be seeing someone otherwise I wouldn't be so OK with her dating OM or going on a trip to see him. I tell her, let's ge something straight right now. I am NOT OK with you dating OM or anyone else, for that matter. I am NOT OK with you taking a trip to see him, either. I asked her to repeat to me what I had just told her and she did. She heard me and she understood me. I told her I don't even have someone on the horizon that I am considering dating. I would tell you I was dating, if that was the case.

My W tells me that she is confused about how I am handling her behavior. I only tell her that I am proud of my behavior in response to her behavior. I tell her that I have given her space, not intruded on her time, have focused on our children, have stayed out of trouble, etc. She is convinced that I am finding my center in another woman as she searches for her center in OM. Who knows? She tells me regularly that she IS divorced, but for someone who says that why the hell is she so concerned with me dating someone else?

You are bending over backwards to pacify her every freakin whim and it is about time you said "ENOUGH!".
I don't care about the history. This is now a matter of self-respect, which you claim to have but your actions suggest otherwise.

Get your guilt and your groveling under your feet.

Grow a spine and show it to her.

I am growing stronger every day. I have needed to take "baby steps" to strap my jewels back on, but I like the fit and how I feel when I am "outfitted." Every day I grow stronger in putting my foot down and being gently assertive more and more.

Do you honestly think that just because you had a brief affair, her actions in the time since finding out are justified? Hell no, they are not!

I am with you, sister! NO, I do not think her actions are justified, as mine were not. Thank you for reminding me I am not on a team of 1.

You are remorseful, you have at least made an attempt to grow beyond the mistakes you made and also in spite of them. SHE has done nothing and you know what?
EXACTLY HALF of the burden for repairing and overcoming lies on HER shoulders.

I am a man who is changing in God every day. I am repentant for cheating on my W. And you are absolutely correct. She has done nothing except to run around trying to find happiness in a new R and in any OM.

Stop talking to her unless it has to do with the kids.

Get a life.

Get moved.

Believe me, once you make yourself scarce she'll take notice.

My biggest fear is that as I GAL, move on, and really let go, she will have a change of heart and I will have truly quit by then. I think I will just need to rely on:

God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless. Amen

DO IT TODAY.

LET HER GO.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU HAVE A CHANCE OF GETTING HER BACK.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

I will. I will. I know. I will. Thank you for your encouragement and direction, my Angel Amy.

[AmyC]

Quote:
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Your wife has nothing that you need but YOU need to stop talking to her about anything other than picking up the kids. I really wish you would stop letting her walk all over you where they are concerned. As I told another poster last night, Dads are NOT free babysitters.


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Amen, sister. I actually told her this last night, sans the dads as babysitter portion, regarding limiting our interaction to the pickup/dropoff/swap of our children b/c our interaction had become VERY strained and I did not want that type of R with her. I also told her that since she wasn't OK with how I had been treating her lately (calling her on her BS regarding our children), I told her that she would not be subjected to questions or comments regarding her life unless her actions directly impacted our children.

YOU TALK TOO MUCH!
Sorry, but it is the truth.
You know that saying about beating a dead horse?
You've done that, now it's 6 feet under.
STOP TALKING.
JUST DO IT.
You don't owe her any further explanations.
She wants you out of her life, you're out.
Make your arrangements for the kids.
Follow through but don't be a doormat ANYMORE.

HH, you are not going to win her back by being at her beck and call, patting her head when she hurts or taking the kids everytime she wants to hit the streets. You're going to win her back by being the man that God created you to be.
I assure you, He never intended for you to lose your "jewels" but since you willingly gave them up...here's the mason jar, reach inside and grab them and be the man that you are: redeemed, resurrected and restored to live out HIS will for your life. Not HERS.


I'll put it to you like this: there's a time to fight, you're fighting for your respect and dignity, neither of which she acknowledges you deserving or possessing - so embrace your inner jackass and let him out if necessary.
DEFEND YOURSELF!
WITHOUT WORDS.
It means stop taking her crap!
WALK AWAY.
Not from her, but from her behavior and treatment of you so if that means you walk out of her presence, SO BE IT!
You DON'T DESERVE to be treated this way but only can change it.
She'll ride this thing as long as you will let her.

STOP TALKING.

GAL.

When you stay grounded in His Word you won't totally let go because you will be constantly claiming His WILL for your marriage. It will become your very breath.
SHE doesn't need to know any of that for it to change HER.

[Still_Standing]

YOU TALK TOO MUCH!
Sorry, but it is the truth.
You know that saying about beating a dead horse?
You've done that, now it's 6 feet under.
STOP TALKING.
JUST DO IT.
You don't owe her any further explanations.
She wants you out of her life, you're out.
Make your arrangements for the kids.
Follow through but don't be a doormat ANYMORE.

I will make it so, starting NOW.

...you are not going to win her back by being at her beck and call, patting her head when she hurts or taking the kids everytime she wants to hit the streets.

You think? I know Queen Amy.

You're going to win her back by being the man that God created you to be.

I know. I need to continue to change my behavior to what I know is right. I will.

I'll put it to you like this: there's a time to fight, you're fighting for your respect and dignity, neither of which she acknowledges you deserving or possessing - so embrace your inner jackass and let him out if necessary.

Unfortunately desperately necessary.

DEFEND YOURSELF!
WITHOUT WORDS.
It means stop taking her crap!
WALK AWAY.
Not from her, but from her behavior and treatment of you so if that means you walk out of her presence, SO BE IT!

Amy, where have you been all my life to guide me on determining what is acceptable treatment to accept from my W? I can tell in your posts that you feel frustrated in encouraging me to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I am frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. My W always called that the definition of insanity.

You DON'T DESERVE to be treated this way but only you can change it.
She'll ride this thing as long as you will let her.

I know. I know. I am still so desperately afraid of losing her to a D. For some strange reason I am not quite accepting that I am already on that path with her. Doesn't make any sense to me are anyone who knows me.

STOP TALKING. GAL.
When you stay grounded in His Word you won't totally let go because you will be constantly claiming His WILL for your marriage. It will become your very breath.
SHE doesn't need to know any of that for it to change HER.

I know I talk too much. Doing something different for me would be to shut up. I will stop talking about anything other than the children right now. Thanks again Amy for encouraging me to change my R by changing me.

[AmyC]

I'm sorry to be so harsh but it was due.
She's walking all over you and it's not right.
I'm not going to let her start to make you believe you deserve to be treated with anything less than the SAME respect that you have shown her.

It's a snare.
Recognize that she is not the orchestrator, just the vessel.
It's about guilt.
Your accuser stands before God daily, telling Him what you have done but JESUS stands there saying it is under the Blood. That's a spiritual reality and it's REALLY happening.
You can say you know you are forgiven but I know what happens in your head because I have BEEN THERE.
DO NOT drag that guilt around.
DO NOT give place to the enemy.

NOW, as for getting a life...
You have to do that so you can survive this time in the wilderness but also so she can SEE that you WILL live on without her, if she makes you. If she is not the ice princess she usually represents herself to be, she will take notice and THEN there will be a positive change.
First and foremost though, you have to do it for you.

Just one more thing:
I'm no queen and certainly no angel.
I took the same route to this board that you did.
I'm just trying to keep your head above water so you don't travel the same hard path to self-forgiveness that I did.
It IS all under the Blood and the voices that whisper otherwise late at night, are from THE LIAR.

[Still_Standing]

Amy dear,

You are both a Queen and an Angel. Thank you for your kind words, your caring, your encouragement. If you would, would you please re-read my previous post? I was editing it while you were posting. Thanks.

[AmyC]

I know. I know. I am still so desperately afraid of losing her to a D. For some strange reason I am not quite accepting that I am already on that path with her. Doesn't make any sense to me are anyone who knows me.

I'm going to share something very painful with you.

When I came out of the so-called "tunnel" of MLC, God had me on my face in the floor of my bedroom every night for those first 2 weeks. I would put my kids to bed and literally crumble in tears before I even got to the door of my bedroom. Then I would just lay there with my face to the carpet crying and praying. I remember it so well and it still hurts 8 months later. To say I was "broken" seems like an understatement when I think back to that time.
I distinctly remember that there came a point, when I physically felt all that I had put my husband through and it just devastated me. But when I got to that point and I felt HIS pain, I truly began to ask God to take care of HIM, to forgive me for hurting him, but mainly just to take care of my husband, EVEN if that meant he would divorce me. I REALLY became willing to let him go if that was the best thing for him. Other than that night that I became willing to do that though, I have not ever again felt that that would be required of me. Somehow my WILLINGNESS to set him free though, played some kind of role. I have yet to know how or why, but I feel it.

I told you that because you are doing the practical things and you have sought forgiveness but I don't think your feet have really been held to the fire over your part in the destruction of your marriage. Before you can be raised back up and boldly claim what is yours, you have to be brought lower than ever before and let Him deal with you, One on one. Seek Him. No matter the TEMPORARY pain that that may cause. He is THE Healer and THE Waymaker.
But you're going to have to stop strategizing long enough to hear Him knocking.

Thanks again Amy for encouraging me to change my R by changing me.

No.
Wrong again.
YOU aren't going to be able to change yourself sufficiently for this walk.
THAT is HIS job.
ONLY His grace is sufficient.
Let Him in.
For real.
No more lip service.
He's not going to let you do this HALF WAY.
Not when it is to glorify Him.

Put it all in His hands.
He is more capable than you are to restore your family.

Don't build your house on sinking sand this time.
Build it on the Rock.

[Still_Standing]

Thank you so much for your gut level honesty. I have so far to go, don't I? I keep searching, but so often I don't know what I'm searching for or where I'm going. Since I am so lost in my own sitch trying to find "something" or get "anywhere" is a fruitless endeavor.

I feel so helpless and powerless in my own life. I am frozen into doing the same thing even though doing the same thing is a sure recipe for disaster in my life and for my M. Plus, my walk with the Lord is relatively new (in a real sense) and completely giving control of my life to God is entirely foreign. I try, then I snatch it back, over and over even though I have failed in so many ways at running my own life.

Again, I am not clear on how to better my life as a Christian and how to improve my understanding of His word and my faith in His will. As you said, I need to figure out how to do that so that I will be able to truly understand the hurt and devastation I have caused to my W, our M and my family. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction with regard to my praying for my W's healing even though it may make our D a reality. I long for God to hear my knocking and I long to be able to hear His word.

[AmyC]

Faith comes by hearing so go to a church where the Word is preached without reservation. Stay away from the ones that preach to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy. We need the raw Truth of what He said if we are to succeed throughout this life and be walking with Him.

The Bible says "You will find Me when you seek Me with your whole heart".
You have to want Him and ALL His Truth more than you want anything else.
Without Him, all is fleeting anyway, as we now know first hand.

It is a matter of time and prayer. When you sit down to read the Bible, ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand what you read. Which version of the Bible do you have? If you want to eliminate all the "thee's & thou's", try the Amplified Bible, which also provides the context in which the scriptures were written, who wrote them and to whom they were speaking. I also like The Message. However, a LOT is lost in translation. If you are just beginning, simply praying beforehand will help in your personal reading.
The desire to understand will get you half way there.
The rest, He will take care of.
Do make sure to attend church.

You are not helpless OR powerless.
Because you are seeking Him.
When you stand on HIS Word and on the Name of Jesus, all of HIS power is behind you. As you learn and grow, you will soon find that you have that "peace that surpasses all understanding" no matter WHAT is going on around you.
He WILL reveal Himself to you.
Start looking for Him in everything you do.
When you are talking to people, listen. He will show up.
I guarantee it.
Those little things will slowly but firmly build your faith and before you know it, there won't be anything that can ever convince you that He is NOT REAL.
You'll just know, that you know, that you know!

Time seems to be a problem for you.
You feel under the gun.
Like if you don't pull it together now, it will be too late if you end up divorced.
It is never too late for God.
My husband's parents were divorced when he was a teenager. His father had a MLC and had a short term affair.
His parents remarried a few years later though and are still married to this day and they are in their 70's.
It is never too late for God and He does not work on our schedule. He knows better than we do.
That's why we trust Him.

Earlier I was thinking about your sitch and I know that the enemy is angry because of all I have told you tonight.
That is just too bad though because you and I are on a very similar path, as far as what we did that screwed everything up . But don't you agree that you would have went along blindly, never upsetting the apple cart and never striving for something deeper or more fulfilling? That's what I probably would have done, had things not gotten so completely out of hand via my MLC.
So we're on the same road now, you and I.
I just happen to be a little bit ahead of you.
Don't worry, I can end up behind you with terrible road rash in the blink of an eye .
Just don't hate the valley, HH.
It's where we learn the things that really matter.
PRAISE your way through.
You have two kids that are going to grow up very blessed because Daddy wasn't too proud to slow down and take some instruction from HIS FATHER.

Hang in there.
Finish the race.


Amy

[Still_Standing]

The Bible says "You will find Me when you seek Me with your whole heart". You have to want Him and ALL His Truth more than you want anything else. Without Him, all is fleeting anyway, as we now know first hand.

I am in my quest for truth in Him and in Him I will also find lasting peace and true happiness.

It is a matter of time and prayer.

Here is my biggest problem. I know that I need to pray to Him for patience to be the man He always intended me to be.

When you sit down to read the Bible, ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand what you read.

This I will do.

Which version of the Bible do you have?

NIV. I didn't pick this verson for any paricular reason, but I do like it and find it a relatively easy read. I may try The Message. If Queen Amy likes it, it must be good.

If you are just beginning, simply praying beforehand will help in your personal reading. The desire to understand will get you half way there. The rest, He will take care of.

I will trust you and I will trust Him.

Do make sure to attend church.

I do most Sundays and I try to take my children even when they are with their mother for the weekend, if she is not attending church herself and will allow me to pick them up.

You are not helpless OR powerless.
Because you are seeking Him.

I know. I am impatient though b/c the enemy whispers in my ear constantly to instill fears and doubts.

When you stand on HIS Word and on the Name of Jesus, all of HIS power is behind you. As you learn and grow, you will soon find that you have that "peace that surpasses all understanding" no matter WHAT is going on around you.

I look forward to progressing in my knowledge and faith to reach this point. I know that I cannot achieve this peace on my own.

He WILL reveal Himself to you.
Start looking for Him in everything you do.
When you are talking to people, listen. He will show up.
I guarantee it.
Those little things will slowly but firmly build your faith and before you know it, there won't be anything that can ever convince you that He is NOT REAL.

More to look forward to in my jouney with the Lord.

Time seems to be a problem for you.
You feel under the gun.
Like if you don't pull it together now, it will be too late if you end up divorced.
It is never too late for God.
My husband's parents were divorced when he was a teenager. His father had a MLC and had a short term affair.
His parents remarried a few years later though and are still married to this day and they are in their 70's.
It is never too late for God and He does not work on our schedule. He knows better than we do.
That's why we trust Him.

I love reading your posts Amy. I do feel under the gun. I feel like time IS running out. I feel like I need to have control over my sitch even though I know I don't have control over anything except what I do. Ugh.

Amy, you are so inspirational to me. I know that I put my W on the path that she is on by betraying her and destroying her trust. I also know that she needs to do what she needs to do in order to come back to me. She also needs my love, understanding and prayers. I am not mad at her. I am extremely sad that I hurt her so badly that she feels the "need" to seek healing and happiness in the manner she is choosing. I am working to love her through her journey and I believe that we are MEANT to be together with God as the focal point of our M and family. Your prayers for your H to be taken care of by God (your last post) really touched me and is a wonderful roadmap for me because I have been lost in my journey.

I prayed tonight for God to take care of HER and to keep her safe and heal her in her journey while we are apart. I am also willing to let her go if that is His will. I have prayed in the past that if His will is not what I wish for that He help me to understand that His will is what is best.

...you and I are on a very similar path, as far as what we did that screwed everything up . But don't you agree that you would have went along blindly, never upsetting the apple cart and never striving for something deeper or more fulfilling?

Absolutely. I was miserable in my life loving my W and being thoroughly ignored by her. Neither of our needs were being met. I didn't want to upset the apple cart. Oooops, that's just what the hell I ended up doing with my A, isn't it? Dumb a$$ that I was. In a strange way though, a lot of good has been coming towards me and happening to me since I stepped on my A landmine. I never thought I had friends. My W would ask me about this and I would always tell her that I have a lot of acquaintances, but friends, NO. I have been so low in dealing with my sitch, and all of these male "acquaintances" it turns out truly care about me and what is happening in my life. I, in fact, do have LOTS of friends. I have stopped minimizing those relationships. I have also kickstarted my walk with God. THAT is the most important change that has come to me and happened inside of me. I have also realized that the BS that led me to an A was all unimportant. I lost focus of my W and her love for me and my love for her. I also lost my focus on my children to keep me doing ONLY what is right.

My wife told me that I have made dramatic changes in the time that we have been apart. I don't know what that will translate to for us as a M couple, but at least she has noticed lots of changes.

So we're on the same road now, you and I.

And so it would seem.

I just happen to be a little bit ahead of you.
Don't worry, I can end up behind you with terrible road rash in the blink of an eye.

We will both reach our goals together, dear.

Just don't hate the valley, HH.
It's where we learn the things that really matter.
PRAISE your way through.

I am learning tons, but is it OK to at least really dislike the valley??

You have two kids that are going to grow up very blessed because Daddy wasn't too proud to slow down and take some instruction from HIS FATHER.

It is b/c of those two angels that my head is on straight and I haven't done anything crazy or destructive during my sitch. I actually have been quite proud of myself and my W is completely perplexed. She truly does not have any idea how together her H is in a crisis or how strong I am. I think she thought she was going to crush me when she started on HER journey. I just keep thinking about last night and her telling me that I must be dating someone because I have been handling her dating OM and going to see him. I will never forget how calmly I told her that I am NOT OK with her dating OM or anyone else for that matter and I am NOT OK with her going to see him. That took some real growth for me to calmly speak my truth to her. I am changing and growing in God.

Hang in there. Finish the race.

I will. I am not letting the enemy have my W. She will continue to be in my prayers daily and I will remain open to reconciliation until He tells me to stop.

Thank you, my Angel. You know, we are BOTH long winded