This past weekend I had a talk with my W about OM. She tells me she is going to San Diego and I question why she is going. She tells me to be with OM. My W also tells me that she needs for me to be with our children T-F. I told her that I am scheduled to move this week/weekend and she tells me that she doesn't believe I will move. I tell her that she is selfish, self-aborbed and self-centered. The discussion ended up with me agreeing to be with the kids all week. I am really having trouble standing up for myself and saying no when it comes to her.
The great thing is I will be in my new place VERY soon and it is my intention to stick with the schedule unless the children are sick. I am confident that I am ready to put my foot down and take care of myself.
I spoke with my counselor today and she told me that she didn't see any reason why I had ANY discussions with my W other than about times to exchange our children. I am hanging on to my hope for my M and for my W by a thread. I have normally been doing pretty well, but this weekend and today have been low points for me.
I am huring so deeply in battling for my M without my W. She is off doing what she's doing, lost in the newness of her R with OM and I my knees are wavering under the weight of my sadness. I look forward to GAL and moving on. There is a whole world out there for me to enjoy with our children.
I am just having trouble seeing the horizon b/c I feel like I keep getting kicked in the nuts and I keep getting up and allowing it to happen over and over again. I am learning, but NOT fast enough for me.
Quote: I doubt the neighbor expressed any such thing to your wife. I'd be willing to bet she just said you'd had a nice chat and you're a great guy and that pissed your wife off because it made her feel guilty for not taking you back and so she jumped on you and made up all that crap.
NEWSFLASH!! BULLETIN!! She didnt't say a thing. My W told me that she(my W) said that she (my W) wouldn't put it past me to flirt with friend/neighbor. She said that ALL of her female friends told her that I flirted with them and she had to "put up" with that. Outright lies!! She used her best friend and our ex-neighbor for examples. Her best friend I can't stand and our ex-neighbor was ALWAYS telling my W how other men were flirting with her; ALWAYS. This is the kind of crap I get to endure with my W. She is always making sh*t up about me in her mind, telling me about it, and when I question her further, she recants and/or changes her story. Hmmmm....
Anyway, it's good to see more evidence that my W lies to suit her needs, even to our children. Sad. It makes me see everything more clearly and reminds me that I need to be stable and together for myself and our children.
I really feel like I see how all of this is going to shake out with my W and it's not pretty. I just need to pray and be strong. My W is lost in lala land thinking she is in love and all is perfect w/ OM. Everything is going to shake sooner or later, hopefully sooner.
Quote: I feel the same. Why do they insist on pushing us down everytime we seem to get up on our feet?
Makes it easier to stand up and see the carnage of their actions and feel makes them feel superior. Since they feel the they are superior, we must be ...yep, inferior. Makes it easier to pick on and treat an inferior poorly. Inferiors are objects, not people.
I am so upset because of my interactions with my W. She is clearly working diligently to throw me off my game. Unfortunately, I keep allowing it to happen. I hope that once I am moved our interaction will be limited to our children, but I doubt that. She calls me at least twice per day regarding work issues and I don't really have the option of tuning her out. Well, I always have options if it gets to be too much for me.
My W went out tonight to do a signing and then to dinner with a friend (truly). When she got back I asked her if I could talk to her for a minute and she rolled her eyes. I just left. I called her a bit later to ask her to find out the particulars of our D5's dance recital on Sat and my W was "put out" about that request. Why, I do not know, but tonight makes the 3rd request for the information. The recital is this Sat.
I then asked her which items she was OK with me taking from the house and she got agitated again. She said she wanted to be at the house when I took items from the house. I told her that I would prefer that she not be there b/c she had already been very clear on what was OK for me to take.
I told her maybe we need to really limit our conversations to the chilren in the future and she pulled "my W" move and just hung up on me. When I finally got thru to her she said that she was tired of how I was treating her. I told her, I'm sorry, would you please explain. Her answer, "Everything." I told her that's too vague for me to understand would you please just pick one thing. She then tells me that she's done. I told her I asked you about the dance recital and what I could take from the house, nothing else. She then got a call on her cell phone and needed to hang up and said she would call me back. Hmmmm.... I'd say transparent. Whatever. I am GAL and letting go so that she can do what she's wanted to do forever while I recharge my batteries and make a life for my 2 children and myself.
I will stay open to reconciliation as long as I can, but I truly don't feel she has our childrens' best interests in mind. She has her own interests at heart and often puts her selfish needs ahead of our childrens' wellbeing and gets pissed when I call her on behavior.
For the longest time I had the strange feeling that she really wanted to be single and childless. If she's not careful she may make that a reality and then she can truly be selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered 24/7/365. I hope the best for her. I pray for her. It's up to her.
My counselor told me today that I spent our entire M trying to make my W look good and make her happy. I truly did do that, and I still am. I am really struggling with putting a stop to finding my happiness in my W's happiness b/c everyone who has known her much longer than I have all said she has always been an unhappy person.
I am reading 5LL and I truly see my wife in the "in love' stage, which is exactly what our MC told her about herself. She is addicted to the "in love" feeling, the newness. Unfortately, being "in love" has a predictable life cycle of 2 years. Oh, well, she has to find her own way and I need to find mine along with raising 2 happy, healthy, whole children. Please send your positive energy my way and your prayers. Thanks.
Hopeful_Husband, been reading your posts and we can change our names, your wife acts just like mine, new love, exciting, fresh, in love, its all b/s, it will get old. but they have to figure it out on there own, i try to see my children as much as i can, but what kills me is that her OM probably see's them more than i do. nothing you can do, just work on your self and your children, my prayer will go out to you, everyone here knows how you feel. be strong for your self and your children, and don't let her step on you anymore, i think it make them feel better, i just started say NO to her, i won't be her punching bag anymore, if she has to, or needs to complain and bitch, i don't want to her it anymore. tell it to the OM. i'll also stay open to reconciliation as long as I can. its in god's hands. just be good to yourself and i wish you luck and happiness
I can't help but notice how the roles in your sitch have now almost completely reversed. You are not the LBS and she the WAS. Strange. Not that good for you I guess, but in terms of you applying the DB principals and really dropping a lot of the initial guilt you felt for being the "cheater", it applies.
You seem to be saying all the LBS stuff, and her the WAS stuff. It's as textbook as all the rest of our sitches, it just started out flipped.
So, welcome to the other side. While you still haven't earned your way out of your marriage, you have earned your way to feel kinship with us, on this side of the fence (as if you didn't already, lol).
Sorry you have been having a hard time with W. She seems really hell-bent on sticking it to you right now. Hopefully that will pass.
D5 has a dance recital and you need the details. Call the school she dances for.
Your wife has nothing that you need but YOU need to stop talking to her about anything other than picking up the kids. I really wish you would stop letting her walk all over you where they are concerned. As I told another poster last night, Dads are NOT free babysitters.
You are bending over backwards to pacify her every freakin whim and it is about time you said "ENOUGH!". I don't care about the history. This is now a matter of self-respect, which you claim to have but your actions suggest otherwise.
Get your guilt and your groveling under your feet.
Grow a spine and show it to her.
Do you honestly think that just because you had a brief affair, her actions in the time since finding out are justified? Hell no, they are not! You are remorseful, you have at least made an attempt to grow beyond the mistakes you made and also in spite of them. SHE has done nothing and you know what? EXACTLY HALF of the burden for repairing and overcoming lies on HER shoulders.
Stop talking to her unless it has to do with the kids.
Get a life.
Get moved.
Believe me, once you make yourself scarce she'll take notice.
DO IT TODAY.
LET HER GO.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU HAVE A CHANCE OF GETTING HER BACK.
Quote: Hopeful_Husband, been reading your posts and we can change our names, your wife acts just like mine, new love, exciting, fresh, in love, its all b/s, it will get old. but they have to figure it out on there own, i try to see my children as much as i can, but what kills me is that her OM probably see's them more than i do.
Me too. Except for the part about OM seeing my children more than I do. I am fortunate to see them LOTS. My W already introduced our D5 to OM and then had OM over for dinner. My D told me about the dinner and then put mommy on the phone to tell me who OM is. My W tells me he is a friend.
Later on, my W tells me that our D is pissed at her because she is dating OM. I told my W, NO, she is pissed at you b/c you flat out lied to her (told her OM is a friend). I also told my W that her bevavior sucks, with regard to our children. I told her that she is selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed and she absolutely does NOT put our childrens' needs and wellbeing ahead her own, especially with regard to chasing a man. She did not like that but I told her change your behavior and it won't be true. She and I had agreed months ago that introducing our children to people we are dating was inappropriate until we figured out where if the relationship looked like it was going to be long term. My W made that determination after 6 weeks and then invited OM over for dinner with my D present at 8 weeks. At this point, my wife said "maybe" I should hold off on having OM and our D5 together for a while. I told her no, not maybe, definitely. I told her, get the the honeymoon, new, butterflies, "I don't even really have any idea who you are (& vice versa) stage and THEN come and talk to ME about putting our children in your mix.
My W tells me that she didn't think she did anything wrong. I told her that she wouldn't be defensive if she was 100% convinced that she did the right thing for our D. She responded that she may have rushed the introduction. I told her not maybe, definitely. I asked her, so when I start dating someone you would be OK with me introducing that woman to our children. She answered yes. I called her a liar. She did not protest. She knows I am right. She'll be beside herself when I get to the point of dating someone.
Quote: nothing you can do, just work on your self and your children, my prayer will go out to you, everyone here knows how you feel. be strong for your self and your children, and don't let her step on you anymore, i think it make them feel better, i just started say NO to her, i won't be her punching bag anymore, if she has to, or needs to complain and bitch, i don't want to her it anymore. tell it to the OM.
I am with you, brother. My children are my focus and my bright light in the stormy marital seas of my life. They have kept my head on straight and on doing what is right.
Quote: i'll also stay open to reconciliation as long as I can.
Me too.
Quote: its in god's hands. just be good to yourself and i wish you luck and happiness
Thank you, I need to have the kindred spirits I have found her in DB.
