"How DARE you tell me what to do and what YOU want from this. YOU are the one who DID this to me, I am only living the life YOU made for me. Please, stop trying to control me and understand that I am FINALLY doing what I need to do for myself, just like YOU did!"
This is option/reaction #4 of sorts, HH. Please, you KNOW I think you are genuinely good, and your actions since that one particularly BAD action have been those of a loving husband, willing to go the extra mile for his wounded W, but I think you still believe you know best, and that she can't possibly know what the hell she's doing with her life or else she'd be with you, not doing all this horrible, self-destructive crap to everyone in her life.
HH, my point, and I sincerely hope it's not too strongly made, is that you are REALLY far along in making the changes you need to make for your own sake but your W is likely still stuck in that place where her decisions seem pretty good to her, even if only for the revenge factor. She is NOT wrong in her own head and I think she's spent a LOT of time validating herself on that fact, armed with the pain of what YOU did.
She NEEDS to just let go of that at some point, for HER sake but I think unfortunatly, she will have to come to that point on her own.
I think DB has given you some GREAT tools to do what you need to do in all this but in the end, she will have to get her own tool belt, strap it on, and learn how to use what's there. Until then, I fear your efforts MAY be met with resentment and anger.
I HOPE I am wrong, I really do. I PRAY your gut is right and that she's somehow close to understanding that her way, at least the way she's going about it now is NOT going to bring her the happiness she wants so badly, and that YOU offer probably the best chance at that, ESPECIALLY since you have realized the error of YOUR ways.
Take care HH, and keep following your gut/heart/head. That's really all you can do until they finally begin to let you down, then the REAL tough work begins.
