Well, yesterday was emotionally exhausting. I had a huge issue tht needed to be discussed with my wife and my W did not want to accept responsibility for her selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed behavior of placing her needs to date ahead of our children's needs and their wellbeing. I truly feel that what is right is right and conversely, what is wrong is wrong. We had ALWAYS seen eye to eye on how to properly raise our children and for her to unilaterally change OUR agreement because the need to see her BF caused her to throw her responsibility to be careful with our children's wellbeing through me for a loop.
I needed to get my message through to her and I believe I did, but I may have come on too strong with someone who was probably not too happy with her own behavior with regard to our children. I also think my pointing out how she has been behaving with regard to our children hit home with her. I hope so. I only hope that God will help my message make it through to her heart and have an impact on my W behaves with regard to our children going forward.
I told my W that I am not upset that she is dating. I told her it hurts me and makes me sad but that I understand dating is her right since I dealt our family the hands we all hold with my A. I also told her that I don't ask her questions because I don't want to know the particulars from a self preservation standpoint. I did tell her that I am pissed about her NOT sticking to our agreement and deciding she was going to do what she was going to do with OUR children. Well, I got my poiont across and I think I was understood, even if she did not agree and/or own up to her behavior. She kept wanting to say she mad a mistake and wanted me to let it go. I seriously felt letting her apologize and me letting it go would have been me dismissing myself and my feelings regarding our children.
Later in the evening, we talked again, trying to wrap up the earlier conversations. I finally told her that I would just take her word for understanding my concern regarding her behavior towards our children. I was a bit quiet. She asked me what I was doing. Again, I am feeling that our M is slipping away and my window of opportunity is slowly closing so...I told her I was coming by to see her (I wasn't). She said why? I told her because I want to look into your beautiful blue eyes and tell you I love you more than ever. She was silent for a moment and asked me again where I was. I told her again, I'm on XYZ Street, I'll see you in just a minute. She asked me again, why are you coming over to which I told her again I want to look into your beautiful blue eyes and tell you I love you more than ever. I was quiet again and she said what's up? I balked at telling her. She kept asking and finally I told her I miss you. I miss my family. I want us to work on our M. I want to come home. She went quiet and finally said she needed to get to bed. I told her goodnight.
Well, boys and girls, I really felt like I had nothing to lose and a lot to gain by telling my W where her husband is emotionally since I have been so reserved towards her during our sitch. I will know the impact of my spilling tomorrow when I see her at work and when I see her tomorrow evening when I am with our children.
I know ther are 3 possible outcomes from my spilling: 1. She is receptive and makes a positive decision. 2. She is unsure and nothing happens. 3. She is not receptive and I am right back where I was before. Me telling her I love her and want to come home and work on our M ONCE isn't the end of the world is it?
I went with my honest to goodness feel for my W and her receptiveness, IMO. I have had reasonably good intuition so far, regardless of her maintaining her current path. We have had one really good interaction after another and if I was going to push the envelope, I wanted to cash in on some of the goodwill that we have built during our "getting along" times. If I am wrong, I am wrong. I went with my gut and my gut usually serves me well. I hope my gut didn't fail me now. In looking at my list above, 2/3 of the possible responses to my spilling are either neutral or positive. I like those odds. Time will tell
Any thought from my DB/DR brethren. I wouldn't change anything about it except to be a little soffter, gentler, milder in delivering my message. Unfortunately, my W putting my children's needs and welfare behind her need to date disgusts and angers me.
One last topic, our D5. My W began talking about her and how difficult she is. I told my W that I am soorry thta that is your experience. I know she can be difficult, but D5 explains it by saying she needs attention. I then dote on her more that usual to reassure her that she is loved and all settles down. My W then tells me more negative feelings about our D. In listening to her, I ask her, are we being truthful? She says yes and I proceed to tell her that she always told me when she acts of sounds like my MIL because my W has serious issues with and damage from being raised by her mother. I tell her that she is behaving and sounding like her mother. I tell her you still carry the emotional scars from your childhood and how you were raised. I told her that my job is to raise a happy, health, whole D and I ask my W do you want to scar our perfect child the way your were scarred with scars that NEVER go away? I continue on telling my W your were not raised by MIL at age 61, you were raised my MIL at age 31. I then asked her rhetorically, how old are you again (she's 31)? On Monday my W told me that I know her better than she knows herself and that I often point out the "obvious" facts from her behavior before she even recognizes it and the "hates" me bacause I call her on her stuff. This goes back to the positive aspect of relationship of having known each other as long as we have. THAT coud be a positive, depending on how she views it. We'll see. The ball has not been in my court for SOOO long. Ugh. I love her. Ugh.
Any thoughts on my rant are greatly appreciated. i am too tired and my eyes are too blurry to edit. Night.
